Lesbian Chronicles Coming Out Later In Life

[Janne Desir]

Iam typically very generous with my time and emotional labor responding to those messages because I remember what it was like to be in the thick of such a tumultuous transition. I remember the confusion, doubt, grief, pain, disbelief, and the constant churning of my mind trying to make sense of what I was feeling in my body. But since it seems like my DM requests are only going to keep growing in number alongside my follower counts, I thought I would do Future Me a favor and put together a written resource I can (1) send to folks who are desperate for answers and hoping to feel less alone, and (2) continue to add to over time as needed. Below is that resource.?

If you have a feeling that something's not quite right in your life, with your relationships, or with how you express yourself, don't ignore and shove down that feeling. Instead, lean into it (even though it's scary!) and get curious about what's really going on with you. I spent a long time feeling unhappy in my life and marriage and assuming something was wrong with *me* instead of interrogating what else might be going on. You can read more about that in this essay.

Untamed by Glennon Doyle* - I read this book in the spring of 2020 during the pandemic lockdown, and it completely fucked me up. It was a huge catalyst for helping me see that it was time to leave my marriage.

Here is a list of questions you can use to start or keep exploring your queerness. The questions make great journaling prompts, and they can also be used as thought exercises, topics of discussion with people you trust or a mental health professional, or something to create art in response to.

Want to work with me? I offer focused-as-f*ck, creative problem-solving calls designed to help you get unstuck. For a list of personal and professional topics people have consulted with me about, pricing information, and booking details, head to my website.

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One of the things I\u2019m best known for online is my status as a \u201Clate-bloomer\u201D lesbian (also known as a \u201Clater-in-life\u201D lesbian or, my personal favorite, which I made up, \u201Clate-to-the-party\u201D lesbian)\u2014i.e., someone who came out past their childhood/teen years. Not only did plenty of people watch me go through that messy progression and a divorce in real time, but also, now that I\u2019m past the most difficult parts of coming out later, I make a lot of content about it.

Occasionally that content performs especially well and lands in the laps of thousands of late-bloomer queer and questioning folks (like this video on late-bloomer lesbian \u201Cmath\u201D did last week). When that happens, my DMs get flooded with people looking for advice, encouragement, and resources.

I am typically very generous with my time and emotional labor responding to those messages because I remember what it was like to be in the thick of such a tumultuous transition. I remember the confusion, doubt, grief, pain, disbelief, and the constant churning of my mind trying to make sense of what I was feeling in my body. But since it seems like my DM requests are only going to keep growing in number alongside my follower counts, I thought I would do Future Me a favor and put together a written resource I can (1) send to folks who are desperate for answers and hoping to feel less alone, and (2) continue to add to over time as needed. Below is that resource.\uD83E\uDE77

If you\u2019re reading this, it\u2019s more likely than not you\u2019re a big ol\u2019 queer. But let\u2019s set that aside for now since you\u2019re still trying to figure everything out for yourself and you\u2019re probably here looking for some answers. Maybe you\u2019re thinking of coming out for the first time or coming out again. Maybe you\u2019re questioning your sexuality or your gender or both! Maybe you\u2019re in a preexisting relationship or you have kids and you\u2019re wondering how stepping into your queerness might permanently alter your life and the lives of those you love.

I promise I\u2019m not just being cute. You really do have the answers you need, and with the right tools and a lot of self-trust, you\u2019ll be able to separate that inner wisdom from all the other voices shouting in your head.

The advice and resources that comprise the rest of this document are a great place to start or keep digging; if nothing else, I hope they\u2019ll remind you you\u2019re not alone. But at the end of the day, you are the only person who can decide the direction of your life. You are the only person who can interpret the ins and outs of who you are, what you want, and what choices will hopefully make for a more fulfilling and authentic human experience.

If you have a feeling that something's not quite right in your life, with your relationships, or with how you express yourself, don't ignore and shove down that feeling. Instead, lean into it (even though it's scary!) and get curious about what's really going on with you. I spent a long time feeling unhappy in my life and marriage and assuming something was wrong with *me* instead of interrogating what else might be going on. You can read more about that in this essay.

You're allowed to take your time with absolutely everything, including figuring out your labels, coming out, reassessing current relationships, dating, etc. Everyone is on their own journey, and you don't have to do anything until you're ready. And, remember that fear and courage go hand in hand. If you\u2019re waiting for your fear to dissipate before taking action, you might be waiting forever.

A lot of people tell me the thing holding them back from coming out and living more authentically is their fear of hurting people\u2014hurting their spouses, their children, their parents, etc. I get that. Our lives are tangled up in the lives of those around us, and big decisions rarely only affect ourselves. But not hurting anyone isn\u2019t a realistic goal, especially if it means sacrificing yourself in the process. Hurting my ex-husband by asking for a divorce is one of the most challenging things I\u2019ve ever had to do, and I\u2019d be lying if I said the end of our marriage wasn\u2019t extremely difficult for both of us. However, pushing down my feelings would have hurt us both too. It would have hurt me because I would\u2019ve been living less than my full truth, and it would have hurt him because he deserves a partner who can be fully invested. As of this writing, it\u2019s been three years since we decided to get divorced, and we are both living lovely separate lives with new partners (and we\u2019re still on good terms).

It\u2019s normal and expected to feel a wide range of feelings as a late-bloomer queer person. You\u2019re probably going to go through cycles of mourning mixed with euphoria. There will be fear muddled with hope. One minute you might feel on top of the world like a teenager getting kissed for the first time, and another you might feel like hot garbage like a teenager getting dumped for the first time. This essay, \u201CLiving on \u2018queer time,\u2019\u201D may help you put some of those feelings into perspective.

It's okay to change your mind! Not only are you an ever-evolving human, but also, our language is ever-evolving. Our understanding of different identities is ever-evolving. As we go through life, we develop new tools and awareness that we didn't have before. So it's fine to change your labels, pronouns, haircut, or anything else whenever you want or need to. I came out twice in three years publicly for my sexuality, and I\u2019m only just now beginning to explore gender. I don\u2019t presume to know I will ever have myself 100% figured out, and that\u2019s part of the fun of living. How cool is it that you can keep surprising yourself?

There's no one \\\"right\\\" way to be queer, no matter which part of the LGBTQIA+ umbrella you fall under. Your queerness is not more or less valid based on how you present yourself, how many rainbows you have around your house, who you've dated/slept with, how out you are to people in your life or online, or any other measure. Queerness can be as much or as little of your life as you want it to be, and don\u2019t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Every path to queerness should be respected and celebrated. There's this popular bumper sticker in Texas that says something along the lines of, \\\"I wasn't born in Texas, but I got here as fast as I could,\\\" and that's kind of how I think of my path into queerness. This isn't to say I don't think I was born queer, only that it took me a long time to figure it out and step into my queerness. Some folks know from an early age, but for others, it takes longer. I won\u2019t lie to you\u2014some people will be committed to misunderstanding you because you came out later, and it hurts when that happens. But any people who will not extend respect and empathy to you because your life experiences look different from theirs are not your people. I promise you\u2019ll find the people who will accept and love you for exactly who you are.

A lot of people ask about my coming out journey, and it\u2019s been documented in several episodes of my former podcast, Conjuring Up Courage (every episode has a written transcript in the show notes, and these episodes can also be found on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, etc.), and interviews I\u2019ve done over the last several years:

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