Once upon a time, there was a little girl who had a black belt in
several forms of martial arts. She was also a master of stealth and
deception. One day, the little girl, who we will call “Red” for
today’s purposes, went to visit her grandmother. Red’s grandmother
lived in a tiny cottage in the middle of the woods because she had a
mysterious ailment that was aggravated by urban living conditions.
Therefore, a little stroll off the beaten path was required. Of
course, Red had no fear of traversing the woods. After all, she was a
She packed a picnic basket, put on her namesake red riding cloak, and
journeyed into the woods. Before long, she was approached by a wolf.
It was a special wolf, Red could tell. It was bipedal, diurnal, and
apparently capable of speech. It talked like Craig Ferguson.
“Helloooooo there, cheeky monkey!” Said the wolf. “How nice to see
“Hi,” said Red. She wasn’t a fan of small talk and drew upon her
ninja training for patience.
“It’s a great day for the forest, everybody,” the wolf continued.
“Not such a great day for your grandmother, though. I heard she’s
“Uh-huh. I’m going to see her now. So if you could get out of my
“I’m not in your whey,” replied the wolf. “That was the spider, who
likes to get in people’s whey.”
Red rolled her eyes and sighed. The wolf took no notice.
“Very different, a wolf and a spider. One’s a hairy, murderous, wild
beast - and the other’s a wolf!”
But by the punchline, Red had already sprung up into the nearest tree
and was skillfully leaping from branch to branch. Sensing he was
getting nowhere, the wolf returned to his den to substitute references
to Paul McCartney with pictures of Angela Landsbury.
Soon enough, Red reached her grandmother’s cottage. She made a
beeline for the bedroom, and entered quietly because she knew the old
lady might be resting.
“Hello, Grandmother,” she whispered. “It’s me, Red.”
Grandmother sat up in bed and nodded without expression. “Hello,
Red. Thank you for coming to visit me. I’m afraid it’s taking me a
little longer to recover from my surgery than I thought it would.”
Red approached the bedside and noticed something was amiss with the
woman’s elderly face.
“Why, Grandmother,” she said. “What big eyes you have.”
The grandmother still showed no trace of emotion. She merely replied,
“They’re just popping out a little from my eyelift. They should go
back to normal in a few days.”
Red knew that her grandmother’s surgery hadn’t been what most would
deem necessary, but she still wasn’t convinced.
“And Grandmother. What big teeth you have.”
“My dentures,” the grandmother replied. “They haven’t quite fit right
since the botox treatments.”
At least that explains why she remained expressionless.
“And Grandmother. What big...well...what I’m trying to say is, it’s
obvious you’ve had some work done.”
The grandmother waved dismissively. “Whatever, dear. Just bust out
the cookies and let’s play <i>Uno</i>.”
And so they played <i>Uno</i> and enjoyed some delicious cookies. But
still, Red’s instincts would not leave her alone. Suddenly, there was
a knock at the door. Red told her grandmother to wait as she
cautiously answered the door.
“Hello, you naughty donkeys!”
“Can you believe there is some guy out there hunting?” The wolf
breezed through the door, seemingly talking to himself. “I know!
It’s not even hunting season. The nerve of that guy, firing at will.
Will’s an elk, by the way.”
“So you want to take shelter in here?” Red said bluntly.
“If I may. I brought a real deck of cards so we can get a decent game
“Let the Scottish Conan wolf stay.” The grandmother called from her
bed. “And bring Will the Elk in here too. We need four for euchre.”
No sooner had they all sat down to play than did a pair of ninjas
burst out from Grandmother’s closet. Grandmother and the Craig
Ferguson wolf and Will the Elk all ducked under the bed.
“I knew it!” Red shouted. She dropped into a battle stance. The two
ninjas circled her, like a binary sunrise. Only, a weird sort of
binary sunrise because one ninja was wearing orange and the other was
wearing green. But I digress.
Orange threw the first punch. Red ducked it and counterattacked with
a sweep kick. Orange jumped out of the way, but Green didn’t, and he
hit the ground heavily. Springing back to his feet, Green flipped
over Red’s head and landed gracefully next to Orange. They squared
off again. Then Orange came at Red with a flying kick. She caught
his leg in midair, spun him around, and threw him crashing into
Green. The lifebars above their heads were depleted and flickered
out, and they faded into oblivion.
“It’s safe to come out now,” Red called. There were probably many
more interesting things that happened that day, but seeing as I am
nearing the limit of my word count, suffice it to say that they all
lived happily ever after.