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Mothers of homosexual sex offenders share responsibility, burden of label
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Bob Pena
May 13, 2012, 1:32:20 AM5/13/12
to
http://www.cnn.com/2012/05/12/living/mothers-sex-
offenders/index.html
(CNN) -- Christine Smith will never forget the moment she
watched her 21-year-old son being led out of a Florida courtroom
in handcuffs.
"This is not happening, this is not happening, this is not
happening," she recalls thinking at the time. "Take me instead."
She sobbed because there was nothing she could do. Matthew, the
second of her three children, was going to prison after pleading
guilty to 10 counts of possession of child pornography. A judge
in Duval County sentenced him in April 2010 to 18 months in
state prison and one year of probation, with the requirement
that he register as a sex offender.
She told herself that they were lucky, that he could have
received a longer prison sentence. But her worries extended far
beyond prison. Under Florida law, he would likely remain on the
registry for life, with the opportunity to appeal for good
conduct. Where would he live after being released? How would he
find a job? What about harassment? Would he ever date again? Who
would want to marry a sex offender?
Smith is one of many mothers preoccupied with these questions on
a daily basis. These women embody the notion that a mother's
love is unconditional as they're often forced to look beyond
horrific crimes that have left their children branded for life
as sex offenders.
What's a mom to do?
"Mothers want to deal with everything, no matter what happens,"
Smith said. "It doesn't matter how old they are or if they do
something stupid. You're there to pick them up and help them get
through."
Like Smith, many fear that their sons will forever be lumped in
the same category as child molesters and rapists, and channel
their grief through activism.
That devotion comes at a high price, though, as parents often
assume some of the responsibility and burden of the sex offender
designation. Some mortgage their homes so they can buy a new
place for their child beyond residency restrictions. It has
ended marriages and friendships and divided families.
Dozens of parents of sex offenders declined to discuss their
experience for this article, fearing that doing so would bring
harm to their families.
"My son and I have just started to experience some level of
peace and stability. ... It's not worth digging up the
harassment again," one woman said in an e-mail calling off an
interview with CNN. "No one understands the threats, harassment,
loss of income and dignity. I hope you find someone that can
better take the risk. [We] have suffered enough humiliation."
Fighting depression with support
There's no way to tell how many of the country's 747,408
registered sex offenders have the support of families, friends
or otherwise. But research shows that a strong support system
greatly improves their chances of rehabilitation and decreases
the likelihood of re-offending, sex offender treatment
professional Nancy Irwin said.
"Isolation can be a breeding ground for depression and
deviancy," said Irwin, a psychotherapist who works with court-
mandated parolees and probationers in California.
"If we're alone and feel isolated or alienated by those we are
closest to, then we start feeling like we're unlovable and
worthless and life doesn't matter," she said. "It's healthy to
have a strong support system and it also helps to have
meaningful work, healthy spiritual pursuit, or a hobby or two to
enjoy. These are the cornerstones of a healthy lifestyle for
anyone, really. But they're especially important for sex
offenders."
Lora Morgan of Arkansas took that notion to heart when her 20-
year-old son went to prison in April 2011 on 10 counts of
possession of child pornography. She visited Rusty whenever she
could during his prison stint. At least in prison, she could sit
with him at a table for a few hours instead of having to settle
for a few minutes of conversation behind a thick glass partition
at the county jail, she said.
"There is no way to describe seeing your son behind a window so
thick that it has barbed wire in it and you can't give him a
hug," Morgan, a stay-at-home mom with a strong Southern accent,
said in a phone interview.
"I don't care how old he is. It just breaks your heart."
Morgan asked to change her name out of fear of reprisals against
her family. Within the online support groups that help her get
through each day, members share stories of offenders on the
public registry being targets of community efforts to force them
to move. Because of his crime, Morgan's son has to register with
law enforcement but his name does not appear on the public
register, a blessing for which she is thankful.
He also was "darn lucky" to parole out of prison after 10 months
in January, she said, but then the real struggle to integrate
into society as a sex offender began. The conditions of his 15-
year probation prevent him from living in a home with Internet
access; for the sake of her family, including her 19-year-old
daughter, Morgan refused to get rid of their computer. Instead,
the family spent $12,000 on an RV for him to live in on his
grandparents' property.
She worries about him, but tries to maintain an encouraging
outlook, she said. He is fortunate that he doesn't have to
appear on a public registry, but his sex offender status limits
his options, as does being unable to use a computer, she said.
She makes no excuses for the fact that he downloaded images of
child pornography in his college dorm. But she doesn't believe
that the shy, introverted young man should carry the sex
offender label for the next 15 years.
"Yes, what my son did was bad. Yes, he should be punished," she
said. "But he doesn't need to be punished for the rest of his
life."
The horrific crimes that make national headlines often create
activists out of parents of like Mark Lunsford and Mark Klaas,
leading to laws named for their children. But the cycle of
outrage works both ways.
Morgan's desire to help create the best possible quality of life
for her son has sparked an activist streak in this 46-year-old
housewife, who struggled with dyslexia in high school and never
aspired to be anything other than a PTA and band booster mom.
Now, she says she is not afraid to write letters to congressmen
or call them to give voice to the other side of this issue. Her
husband teases her for always managing to work the topic into
conversations with strangers.
"This whole experience has given me lots of courage and
strength. It has opened my eyes to so many things that I never
thought of as far as our laws," she said.
"People can't understand why I keep fighting for my son. But
what kind of parent would I be if I didn't stand up for my
child's rights? I run into that quite a bit. Am I supposed to
leave my son at the doorstep?"
Linda Walker is the mother of Dru Sjodin, who was killed in 2003
by a sex offender and for whom the Department of Justice's
National Sex Offender Public Website is named. Too often, sex
offenders are portrayed sympathetically while the victims are
forgotten, she said.
"What are we telling the victims that are still out there and
alive when we keep giving [sex offenders] second and third
chances?" Walker wondered.
She said she sympathized with some mothers, but not when they
refuse to acknowledge what their child has done.
"As long as a parent feels horrible about the actions of their
child, yes, I'm sympathetic toward them," Walker said. "But not
toward the ones that continuously keep their heads in the sand."
Not all sex offenders are subject to the same requirements. The
federal Adam Walsh Child Protection and Safety Act was passed in
2006 with the goal of creating a national set of standards for
dealing with sex offenders and predators. Among its provisions
was the creation of a three-tiered system that designates
varying levels of requirements for registration and public
notification. To date, 15 states, two territories, and 27 tribes
have implemented those provisions of the Adam Walsh Act, known
as the Sex Offender Registration and Notification Act, according
to the Justice Department.
"We are very sensitive to the burdens that these kinds of
restrictions place on offenders and their families. However, sex
offender registry requirements are not imposed because of who
somebody is, but because of what they've done," said Ernie
Allen, president of the National Center for Missing and
Exploited Children, which pushed for the Adam Walsh Act.
It's a balancing act between the rights of convicted felons and
the responsibility of the government to ensure public safety, he
said, emphasizing that the restrictions are determined by risk
assessment.
"Congress and virtually every state have taken very careful
steps to ensure that all sex offenders are not treated alike,"
he said. "There is a determination of level of risk and only the
most serious offenders -- based upon what they have been
convicted of and the nature of their crimes and number of
offenses and likelihood to re-offend -- are subject to the most
rigorous requirements."
The blame game
With parents often the targets of blame for the sins of their
children, parents of sex offenders can experience just as much
fear, shame and paranoia as their children, social worker David
Prescott said.
"Moms often feel terrible that they didn't recognize the signs
sooner or weren't able to provide a better environment for their
kids to prevent whatever offense occurred," said Prescott,
former president of the Association for the Treatment of Sexual
Abusers and current clinical director of the Becket Programs of
Maine, which provide treatment for troubled youth in Maine and
New Hampshire.
"The whole rest of society only sees the flashbulb moment of the
sex crime and mug shot and very few people understand the person
who does the crime as a person," he said. "Even after someone is
arrested and convicted, everyone else distances themselves from
the sex offender, there's often the mom trying to figure out
what's going to be right for their boy."
When it comes to violent sexual offenses, or offenses that
involve physical contact, there is often a history of abuse or
neglect in the offender's background. Often, the mother was a
victim of abuse that was witnessed by her children, he said.
"The vast majority of people who are sexually abused do not go
on to become sex offenders or repeat sex offenders," he said,
"but those who do get arrested for sex crimes very often have
been abused in some form."
Mothers, if they're around and up to the task, tend to be more
involved in the process of reintegrating their sex offender
offspring back into society than fathers, Illinois-based family
therapist Becky Palmer said.
Especially when prisoners are released after years or even
decades of incarceration, there's often a desire to heal the
relationship, she said. The trick is not to minimize what
happened or brush aside the offense, especially when other
relatives are uncomfortable having a sex offender around their
children.
"Everyone has to be willing to be honest about what happened and
talk about it and not minimize it and be in denial," she said.
"Sometimes, that means recognizing that some of the past family
dynamics might have been contributing factors to the offense and
those have to change."
Letting go
Morgan, the mother in Arkansas, and Smith, the mother in
Florida, said their children did not experience sexual or
physical abuse. Like many mothers, they both said they stepped
up because they felt they had no choice.
Smith left her husband and daughter in Delaware and moved back
to Florida to help her son before his release in May 2011, three
months early for good behavior. They lived near the expressway,
where he could live beyond residency restrictions preventing him
from being near a school, playground or daycare center.
The more details she learned about her son's release, the more
outraged she became. She took up the activist banner, writing
letters to politicians and visiting the state capitol to speak
out against bills that would tighten restrictions for sex
offenders or create harsher penalties.
Meanwhile, at home, she began to clash with her son as he
struggled to adjust to some of the conditions of his probation.
He hasn't used a computer in three years and still can't use
one. He can't leave the county without permission and has to
keep a driving log wherever he goes. Every six months, he pays
$25 to register as a sex offender with the county.
His electronic monitoring is a constant source of anxiety, she
said. He wears an ankle bracelet 24 hours a day and keeps a GPS
tracker close by at all times. He wears pants every day,
regardless of the weather, to cover up the bracelet and worries
constantly about being somewhere where children are known to
"regularly congregate," in violation of his probation.
After his release, he holed up in his room for hours at a time
and emerged in a depressed state. If he went out, she'd call or
text him constantly to keep track of his whereabouts and remind
him to come home in time for his 10 p.m. curfew.
"I'd smother him because I did not want him to go back to prison
for something stupid like being 5 minutes late for curfew or
leaving his (ankle) monitor at home -- stupid things that could
violate him," she said. "It was a constant battle of me
mothering him too much and I started to realize it."
After a little soul-searching and some advice from her son's
probation officer, she decided it was time to leave him to live
on his own in Florida. In January, less than a year after his
release, she returned to Delaware, where her husband had taken a
job two years before.
She still worries about him, of course, just as she worries
about her other children. But there's an inner peace that comes
with learning to let him be his own person, she said.
"I was always a mom that dotes and protects. It's not that I'm
not there for them now, but I'm going to let them make their own
mistake," she said. "I trust them and they know I still love
them."
offenders/index.html
(CNN) -- Christine Smith will never forget the moment she
watched her 21-year-old son being led out of a Florida courtroom
in handcuffs.
"This is not happening, this is not happening, this is not
happening," she recalls thinking at the time. "Take me instead."
She sobbed because there was nothing she could do. Matthew, the
second of her three children, was going to prison after pleading
guilty to 10 counts of possession of child pornography. A judge
in Duval County sentenced him in April 2010 to 18 months in
state prison and one year of probation, with the requirement
that he register as a sex offender.
She told herself that they were lucky, that he could have
received a longer prison sentence. But her worries extended far
beyond prison. Under Florida law, he would likely remain on the
registry for life, with the opportunity to appeal for good
conduct. Where would he live after being released? How would he
find a job? What about harassment? Would he ever date again? Who
would want to marry a sex offender?
Smith is one of many mothers preoccupied with these questions on
a daily basis. These women embody the notion that a mother's
love is unconditional as they're often forced to look beyond
horrific crimes that have left their children branded for life
as sex offenders.
What's a mom to do?
"Mothers want to deal with everything, no matter what happens,"
Smith said. "It doesn't matter how old they are or if they do
something stupid. You're there to pick them up and help them get
through."
Like Smith, many fear that their sons will forever be lumped in
the same category as child molesters and rapists, and channel
their grief through activism.
That devotion comes at a high price, though, as parents often
assume some of the responsibility and burden of the sex offender
designation. Some mortgage their homes so they can buy a new
place for their child beyond residency restrictions. It has
ended marriages and friendships and divided families.
Dozens of parents of sex offenders declined to discuss their
experience for this article, fearing that doing so would bring
harm to their families.
"My son and I have just started to experience some level of
peace and stability. ... It's not worth digging up the
harassment again," one woman said in an e-mail calling off an
interview with CNN. "No one understands the threats, harassment,
loss of income and dignity. I hope you find someone that can
better take the risk. [We] have suffered enough humiliation."
Fighting depression with support
There's no way to tell how many of the country's 747,408
registered sex offenders have the support of families, friends
or otherwise. But research shows that a strong support system
greatly improves their chances of rehabilitation and decreases
the likelihood of re-offending, sex offender treatment
professional Nancy Irwin said.
"Isolation can be a breeding ground for depression and
deviancy," said Irwin, a psychotherapist who works with court-
mandated parolees and probationers in California.
"If we're alone and feel isolated or alienated by those we are
closest to, then we start feeling like we're unlovable and
worthless and life doesn't matter," she said. "It's healthy to
have a strong support system and it also helps to have
meaningful work, healthy spiritual pursuit, or a hobby or two to
enjoy. These are the cornerstones of a healthy lifestyle for
anyone, really. But they're especially important for sex
offenders."
Lora Morgan of Arkansas took that notion to heart when her 20-
year-old son went to prison in April 2011 on 10 counts of
possession of child pornography. She visited Rusty whenever she
could during his prison stint. At least in prison, she could sit
with him at a table for a few hours instead of having to settle
for a few minutes of conversation behind a thick glass partition
at the county jail, she said.
"There is no way to describe seeing your son behind a window so
thick that it has barbed wire in it and you can't give him a
hug," Morgan, a stay-at-home mom with a strong Southern accent,
said in a phone interview.
"I don't care how old he is. It just breaks your heart."
Morgan asked to change her name out of fear of reprisals against
her family. Within the online support groups that help her get
through each day, members share stories of offenders on the
public registry being targets of community efforts to force them
to move. Because of his crime, Morgan's son has to register with
law enforcement but his name does not appear on the public
register, a blessing for which she is thankful.
He also was "darn lucky" to parole out of prison after 10 months
in January, she said, but then the real struggle to integrate
into society as a sex offender began. The conditions of his 15-
year probation prevent him from living in a home with Internet
access; for the sake of her family, including her 19-year-old
daughter, Morgan refused to get rid of their computer. Instead,
the family spent $12,000 on an RV for him to live in on his
grandparents' property.
She worries about him, but tries to maintain an encouraging
outlook, she said. He is fortunate that he doesn't have to
appear on a public registry, but his sex offender status limits
his options, as does being unable to use a computer, she said.
She makes no excuses for the fact that he downloaded images of
child pornography in his college dorm. But she doesn't believe
that the shy, introverted young man should carry the sex
offender label for the next 15 years.
"Yes, what my son did was bad. Yes, he should be punished," she
said. "But he doesn't need to be punished for the rest of his
life."
The horrific crimes that make national headlines often create
activists out of parents of like Mark Lunsford and Mark Klaas,
leading to laws named for their children. But the cycle of
outrage works both ways.
Morgan's desire to help create the best possible quality of life
for her son has sparked an activist streak in this 46-year-old
housewife, who struggled with dyslexia in high school and never
aspired to be anything other than a PTA and band booster mom.
Now, she says she is not afraid to write letters to congressmen
or call them to give voice to the other side of this issue. Her
husband teases her for always managing to work the topic into
conversations with strangers.
"This whole experience has given me lots of courage and
strength. It has opened my eyes to so many things that I never
thought of as far as our laws," she said.
"People can't understand why I keep fighting for my son. But
what kind of parent would I be if I didn't stand up for my
child's rights? I run into that quite a bit. Am I supposed to
leave my son at the doorstep?"
Linda Walker is the mother of Dru Sjodin, who was killed in 2003
by a sex offender and for whom the Department of Justice's
National Sex Offender Public Website is named. Too often, sex
offenders are portrayed sympathetically while the victims are
forgotten, she said.
"What are we telling the victims that are still out there and
alive when we keep giving [sex offenders] second and third
chances?" Walker wondered.
She said she sympathized with some mothers, but not when they
refuse to acknowledge what their child has done.
"As long as a parent feels horrible about the actions of their
child, yes, I'm sympathetic toward them," Walker said. "But not
toward the ones that continuously keep their heads in the sand."
Not all sex offenders are subject to the same requirements. The
federal Adam Walsh Child Protection and Safety Act was passed in
2006 with the goal of creating a national set of standards for
dealing with sex offenders and predators. Among its provisions
was the creation of a three-tiered system that designates
varying levels of requirements for registration and public
notification. To date, 15 states, two territories, and 27 tribes
have implemented those provisions of the Adam Walsh Act, known
as the Sex Offender Registration and Notification Act, according
to the Justice Department.
"We are very sensitive to the burdens that these kinds of
restrictions place on offenders and their families. However, sex
offender registry requirements are not imposed because of who
somebody is, but because of what they've done," said Ernie
Allen, president of the National Center for Missing and
Exploited Children, which pushed for the Adam Walsh Act.
It's a balancing act between the rights of convicted felons and
the responsibility of the government to ensure public safety, he
said, emphasizing that the restrictions are determined by risk
assessment.
"Congress and virtually every state have taken very careful
steps to ensure that all sex offenders are not treated alike,"
he said. "There is a determination of level of risk and only the
most serious offenders -- based upon what they have been
convicted of and the nature of their crimes and number of
offenses and likelihood to re-offend -- are subject to the most
rigorous requirements."
The blame game
With parents often the targets of blame for the sins of their
children, parents of sex offenders can experience just as much
fear, shame and paranoia as their children, social worker David
Prescott said.
"Moms often feel terrible that they didn't recognize the signs
sooner or weren't able to provide a better environment for their
kids to prevent whatever offense occurred," said Prescott,
former president of the Association for the Treatment of Sexual
Abusers and current clinical director of the Becket Programs of
Maine, which provide treatment for troubled youth in Maine and
New Hampshire.
"The whole rest of society only sees the flashbulb moment of the
sex crime and mug shot and very few people understand the person
who does the crime as a person," he said. "Even after someone is
arrested and convicted, everyone else distances themselves from
the sex offender, there's often the mom trying to figure out
what's going to be right for their boy."
When it comes to violent sexual offenses, or offenses that
involve physical contact, there is often a history of abuse or
neglect in the offender's background. Often, the mother was a
victim of abuse that was witnessed by her children, he said.
"The vast majority of people who are sexually abused do not go
on to become sex offenders or repeat sex offenders," he said,
"but those who do get arrested for sex crimes very often have
been abused in some form."
Mothers, if they're around and up to the task, tend to be more
involved in the process of reintegrating their sex offender
offspring back into society than fathers, Illinois-based family
therapist Becky Palmer said.
Especially when prisoners are released after years or even
decades of incarceration, there's often a desire to heal the
relationship, she said. The trick is not to minimize what
happened or brush aside the offense, especially when other
relatives are uncomfortable having a sex offender around their
children.
"Everyone has to be willing to be honest about what happened and
talk about it and not minimize it and be in denial," she said.
"Sometimes, that means recognizing that some of the past family
dynamics might have been contributing factors to the offense and
those have to change."
Letting go
Morgan, the mother in Arkansas, and Smith, the mother in
Florida, said their children did not experience sexual or
physical abuse. Like many mothers, they both said they stepped
up because they felt they had no choice.
Smith left her husband and daughter in Delaware and moved back
to Florida to help her son before his release in May 2011, three
months early for good behavior. They lived near the expressway,
where he could live beyond residency restrictions preventing him
from being near a school, playground or daycare center.
The more details she learned about her son's release, the more
outraged she became. She took up the activist banner, writing
letters to politicians and visiting the state capitol to speak
out against bills that would tighten restrictions for sex
offenders or create harsher penalties.
Meanwhile, at home, she began to clash with her son as he
struggled to adjust to some of the conditions of his probation.
He hasn't used a computer in three years and still can't use
one. He can't leave the county without permission and has to
keep a driving log wherever he goes. Every six months, he pays
$25 to register as a sex offender with the county.
His electronic monitoring is a constant source of anxiety, she
said. He wears an ankle bracelet 24 hours a day and keeps a GPS
tracker close by at all times. He wears pants every day,
regardless of the weather, to cover up the bracelet and worries
constantly about being somewhere where children are known to
"regularly congregate," in violation of his probation.
After his release, he holed up in his room for hours at a time
and emerged in a depressed state. If he went out, she'd call or
text him constantly to keep track of his whereabouts and remind
him to come home in time for his 10 p.m. curfew.
"I'd smother him because I did not want him to go back to prison
for something stupid like being 5 minutes late for curfew or
leaving his (ankle) monitor at home -- stupid things that could
violate him," she said. "It was a constant battle of me
mothering him too much and I started to realize it."
After a little soul-searching and some advice from her son's
probation officer, she decided it was time to leave him to live
on his own in Florida. In January, less than a year after his
release, she returned to Delaware, where her husband had taken a
job two years before.
She still worries about him, of course, just as she worries
about her other children. But there's an inner peace that comes
with learning to let him be his own person, she said.
"I was always a mom that dotes and protects. It's not that I'm
not there for them now, but I'm going to let them make their own
mistake," she said. "I trust them and they know I still love
them."
Uergil
May 13, 2012, 2:21:15 AM5/13/12
to
In article <75NZG3D24104...@reece.net.au>,
"Bob Pena" <gu...@wrong.com> wrote:
Nothing of merit.
In the first place, no one bears any responsibility for someone being
homosexual as no one knows why anyone is homosexual.
And anyone who claims they do is a damned liar.
One day science may discover why, but as yet no one knows.
--
"Ignorance is preferable to error, and he is less
remote from the- truth who believes nothing than
he who believes what is wrong.
Thomas Jefferson
"Bob Pena" <gu...@wrong.com> wrote:
Nothing of merit.
In the first place, no one bears any responsibility for someone being
homosexual as no one knows why anyone is homosexual.
And anyone who claims they do is a damned liar.
One day science may discover why, but as yet no one knows.
--
"Ignorance is preferable to error, and he is less
remote from the- truth who believes nothing than
he who believes what is wrong.
Thomas Jefferson
John Baker
May 13, 2012, 5:57:58 AM5/13/12
to
On 13 May 2012 05:32:20 -0000, "Bob Pena" <gu...@wrong.com> wrote:
Is your mother responsible for your being an idiot?
Is your mother responsible for your being an idiot?
Barry OGrady
May 13, 2012, 7:27:44 AM5/13/12
to
On Sun, 13 May 2012 05:57:58 -0400, John Baker <nu...@bizniz.net>
wrote:
>On 13 May 2012 05:32:20 -0000, "Bob Pena" <gu...@wrong.com> wrote:
>
>
>Is your mother responsible for your being an idiot?
If you mum forced Christianity on you she is responsible.
=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=
God is a spirit. 0% proof!
wrote:
>On 13 May 2012 05:32:20 -0000, "Bob Pena" <gu...@wrong.com> wrote:
>
>
>Is your mother responsible for your being an idiot?
=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=
God is a spirit. 0% proof!
default
May 13, 2012, 8:08:11 AM5/13/12
to
Where does it say what his crime is that leads you to believe that he
is homosexual?
Is he a priest? Maybe it would be better to ban priests from being
around children? Yeah, that makes sense.
Nutso religious strictures against any and all forms of sexual
expression are likely to be one strong cause for sexual abuse and
aberrant behavior. Lets get rid of the religious nuts, like yourself,
that cause these problems.
--
is homosexual?
Is he a priest? Maybe it would be better to ban priests from being
around children? Yeah, that makes sense.
Nutso religious strictures against any and all forms of sexual
expression are likely to be one strong cause for sexual abuse and
aberrant behavior. Lets get rid of the religious nuts, like yourself,
that cause these problems.
--
0 new messages