Marriage Counselling
¤Xperimental¤
A mate of mine has a Japanese wife here in Oz (me too) and they are
experiencing more than the usual ups and downs of married life.
He has been to a counsellor about his marriage and spoken to me and the Mrs
about what has been happening. His wife is not prepared to attend
counselling sessions either privately or as a couple, as she does not
believe this is acceptable in Japanese culture. My wife can not confirm or
deny that this would be socially acceptable in Japanese society but
recognises the need for the utmost privacy within a marriage.
My questions to everyone are:
Is counselling a socially acceptable way of dealing with issues in Japanese
society? (It is somewhat of a necessary evil in my opinion)
Are counselling services available in Japan?
Would counselling represent a loss of face?
Are many loveless marriages maintained in preference to the possibility of
losing face?
I am proud (somewhat amazed) of my friend for seeking professional help and
only wish I knew how to help his family more.
Any input gratefully accepted.
Atomu.
g manny
John W.
Why?
John W.
John W.
>G'day,
>
>A mate of mine has a Japanese wife here in Oz (me too) and they are
>experiencing more than the usual ups and downs of married life.
>
>
How long have they been married? IMHO there are no 'usual' ups and
downs. Everybody's marriage is different. There'll be similarities, but
from my perspective most of the problems happen when one/both are trying
to fit things into some preconceived pattern.
>
>
<snipped>
>My questions to everyone are:
>Is counselling a socially acceptable way of dealing with issues in Japanese
>society? (It is somewhat of a necessary evil in my opinion)
>
Not really, at least not like it is in the a lot of the US (don't know
about Australia).
>Are counselling services available in Japan?
>
Yes.
>Would counselling represent a loss of face?
>
Depends.
>Are many loveless marriages maintained in preference to the possibility of
>losing face?
>
>
Well... when you look at the marriage over the course of 50+ years, the
amount of time that will be 'loveless' probably isn't all that
considerable. Now, if by 'loveless' you mean 'sexless' (and it's
surprising how many people equate the two, particularly early in the
marriage), then, yes, that's probably preferred. The West has created an
image of 'marriage' and 'love' that really isn't practical; not saying
the perception in Japan is either, though it's much more realistic to
see marriage as a way to get through life together (mutual support, to
some extent) than viewing marriage as something romantic, sensual,
sexual, etc.
>I am proud (somewhat amazed) of my friend for seeking professional help and
>only wish I knew how to help his family more.
>
>
Personally, I've been in a similar situation. I'll never seek marriage
counselling again. Didn't help one flip, particularly since my wife
wouldn't go. I suggest your friend consider this. For one thing, the
counselor only hears one side of the issue; if they still insist they
can help, then perhaps he should find another counsellor (how can they
help when the wife isn't there?) or solve his own issues (he has them,
you have them, I have them, we all have them). Most likely getting some
support as he fights his way through will be a good thing; there most
likely is a light at the end of the tunnel, there always is, just like
there is in any difficult situation in life.
Did they just move to Australia? My wife had some major issues when we
first moved back to the US. That could be a factor, and means he should
probably give her some space and not try to be heavy handed in the
situation. At least that worked for me.
International marriages aren't easy, particularly if they start in one
country and then 'migrate' to another. It could be the wife wasn't keen
to go but said she was. Could be she was keen to go and things aren't as
rosy as she imagined. Could be your friend isn't spending the same kind
of time with her as before (this was an issue with my wife and I). Could
be her English isn't as good as she thought and is frustrating her. Your
friend needs to use a great deal of patience and intuition to get
through it.
John W.
mtfe...@netscape.net
>>Would counselling represent a loss of face?
> Depends.
I'd say "no", 'cause they likely wouldn't tell anyone.
>>Are many loveless marriages maintained in preference to the possibility of
>>losing face?
> Well... when you look at the marriage over the course of 50+ years, the
> amount of time that will be 'loveless' probably isn't all that
> considerable. Now, if by 'loveless' you mean 'sexless' (and it's
> surprising how many people equate the two, particularly early in the
> marriage), then, yes, that's probably preferred. The West has created an
> image of 'marriage' and 'love' that really isn't practical; not saying
> the perception in Japan is either, though it's much more realistic to
> see marriage as a way to get through life together (mutual support, to
> some extent) than viewing marriage as something romantic, sensual,
> sexual, etc.
That's not really an "East/West" dichotomy; more like a "older/newer society"
one. When people were only living 30-35 years, the thought of what you were
going to do the rest of your days together wasn't a REAL pressing issue, and
this was the case in "the West" until about 150 years ago, and in Japan until
about 75 years ago. Japan was forced to put off a lot of 'quality of life'
changes (or perhaps allowed to put off) with the post-war rebuilding, and
then the sudden boom, but as things have settled down, it's becoming more
important.
BTW, about 10 years ago I read an interesting article claiming that the rate
of marriage-breakup in the US wasn't any different from what it was 100+
years earlier, but that the main cause of the breakup was no longer death,
but divorce.
Given the choice...
>>I am proud (somewhat amazed) of my friend for seeking professional help and
>>only wish I knew how to help his family more.
> Did they just move to Australia? My wife had some major issues when we
> first moved back to the US. That could be a factor, and means he should
> probably give her some space and not try to be heavy handed in the
> situation. At least that worked for me.
Also, try to locate as many "Japanese" related activities as you can, at
least in the short term.
> of time with her as before (this was an issue with my wife and I). Could
> be her English isn't as good as she thought and is frustrating her. Your
Especially if she doesn't have friends.
Mike
Ed
"、Xperimental、" <DingusM...@Wazza.org> wrote in message
news:F6Vka.5215$1h6....@news-server.bigpond.net.au...
> G'day,
>
> A mate of mine has a Japanese wife here in Oz (me too) and they are
> experiencing more than the usual ups and downs of married life.
>
> He has been to a counsellor about his marriage and spoken to me and the
Mrs
> about what has been happening. His wife is not prepared to attend
> counselling sessions either privately or as a couple, as she does not
> believe this is acceptable in Japanese culture. My wife can not confirm or
> deny that this would be socially acceptable in Japanese society but
> recognises the need for the utmost privacy within a marriage.
>
> My questions to everyone are:
> Is counselling a socially acceptable way of dealing with issues in
Japanese
> society? (It is somewhat of a necessary evil in my opinion)
More like an unnecessary expense.
> Are counselling services available in Japan?
Available, but not really popular.
> Would counselling represent a loss of face?
Yes.
You have to understand that marriage counsellors are the same blokes you
went to college with. They are absolutely clueless when it comes to a
relationship that involves people other than themselves (and even then, they
are clueless). There are no valid theories on what makes a good
relationship. This is a moral determination. All a marriage counsellor can
do is try to convince the couple that they understand the relationship
between a man and a woman, and that this inherently subjective subject can
be objectified.
Quite simply, they are just out after money. I wouldn't give a marriage
counsellor the time of day, let alone their hourly fee.
tarawh...@gmail.com
tarawh...@gmail.com
http://www.thesugardoctor.com.au/