Pope Revises List of Seven Acceptable Deviant Sexual Habits

[A.W.]

Vatican City, Rome -- In response to charges of pedophilia brought against
several high-profile clergymen, Pope John Paul II issued a updated list of
abnormal sexual practices authorized for use by Catholic priests. "For too
long, the Mother Church has fixed a blind eye on the abuses of its
ministers," mouthed the ventriloquist/ puppeteer responsible for operating
the aged Pope's decaying limbs. "What was acceptable 200 years ago won't be
embraced by the Catholic Church for another 300. In the meantime, however,
some changes need to be made." The new list of Seven Acceptable Deviant
Sexual Habits replaces the one issued by Pope Marcellus II in 1559. The new
list is as follows: 1.) cross-dressing; 2.) necrophilia; 3.) bestiality; 4.)
necrophilic bestiality; 5.) autoerotic asphyxiation; 6.) fecalphilia; 7.)
placing nativity figurines in naughty positions. Homosexuality is not
included on the list because, according to the Pope, "it's a given, isn't
it?" Unfortunately, the Pope's announcements were made in Latin so few in
attendance understood what the hell he was talking about.

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