On Aug 19, 2016, at 16:28 PM, anonymous FI
i don’t usually realize until a while after the fact that something
then i find it hard to remember exactly when it changed and why and how
or i am not sure if it even changed like i think it did. maybe i am
and i don’t usually write all this stuff down
one thing i do sometimes have is old writing about a problem. and then i
can go back and read those, and see if i still have the same problem
>> and when things do change, i don’t know exactly why. so it’s hard
>> to know how much any one thing contributed.
>>> if so, what's some of the progress?
>> i write emails more right now than i have at various times. i have
>> gone long periods of time without writing any emails, or writing very
>> but i think i have also gone through periods where i wrote a lot of
>> emails in the past. and those didn’t last for some reason. i
>> don’t know if this will last either.
> it's up to you whether you keep emailing or not. it's your choice.
> it's not something that will happen to you.
i know it’s my choice. but i find it hard to predict what i will do in
i don’t know why my behaviour has changed. i don’t have a good idea
of what is going on. so it is hard to know how i will act in different
in the past, i have felt like i made a long term change that was going
to “stick”. but then it didn’t. i changed back. and i didn’t
really understand why. so i think that might happen again.
>>> if not, what were some problems you ran into?
>> i don’t feel a lot of motivation. i haven’t been able to figure
>> out why, or how to change that.
> what do you think you currently find motivational?
i don’t know. i don’t know if i find anything really motivational.
i have things like wanting to be ok enough by conventional standards to
not be homeless. actually more than that. i want to be able to live an
ok life by conventional standards. so things like paying bills on time
so my credit is ok. i have enough motivation to do that stuff.
which is kind of interesting now that i think of it. not paying my bills
would seem like majorly fucking up on life. but for some reason i
don’t feel like that about learning FI. it doesn’t feel as much like
fucking up. or it’s like not as bad or something. maybe because i
don’t feel like i am worse than most people in those ways. so i figure
i am ok if you look at me compared to most people. it doesn’t feel
like an urgent issue to me.
> what do you think are good sources of motivation in life?
i don’t know
> do you focus on FEELING motivation or having motivating (important)
> reasons to do something?
> does your life revolve around feelings? do you only do actions when
> you feel motivated?
i focus on feelings too much. i don’t like to do things when i don’t
“feel” like it.
i used to really focus on feelings heavily. i sort of “let” them
control my life a lot. i thought feelings were a natural part of being
human, you couldn’t control them, and you just had to learn how to
“deal with” your emotions.
but then for a while i was sort of better. i don’t know how much
better i actually was though. i still focussed on feelings a lot, it’s
just that i got better at changing them. i realized feelings were caused
by ideas, so i would change my ideas about things, which would change my
but now, i don’t know how to change my ideas about the things i am
having trouble with. so i can’t change my feelings. or, i don’t know
how to change them. and so i just feel kind of stuck.
> are you trying to change this by controlling your feelings, learning
> new reasons to do things, finding better things to do, trying to
> find+fix some hangups, or what?
i don’t know how much i am really doing. i find it hard to even think
of any examples of what i do. i know there are some things, but i just
can’t think of them. i don’t know why. i think i cause these mental
blocks when i don’t want to think about things, or when i don’t want
to say them.
>> i will think that i *should* feel motivation, and want to improve my
>> life. i think that it is good. i think that rand’s heroes are good.
>> i think that i should want to be more like them. but i just don’t
>> feel it.
> do you think you're missing the motor they metaphorically talk about
> people having in Atlas Shrugged?
maybe. i feel like i don’t have that. i don’t know if i am
“missing” it. i don’t really understand what it is.
sometimes i feel like i am missing it, and if i could just find a way to
be motivated, that would solve my problems.
but then other times i think i am just using that as an excuse. i am
looking for a “magic bullet” to fix myself, instead of actually
working on my problems.
>>> what didn't work?
>> just reading rand hasn’t been enough. i have read Atlas Shrugged,
>> Fountainhead, Anthem, and We The Living all multiple times.
> what about non-fiction? Virtue of Selfishness? Understanding
i have read some of the non-fiction, but i don’t remember it as well.
and i only read it once. i did read Virtue of Selfishness. i’ve only
read part of Understanding Objectivism.
> what about DISCUSSING Rand? what have you done to error-correct your
> understanding of Objectivism?
i haven’t discussed it very much. i haven’ emailed about it. i
don’t talk about it with people who have a better understanding of
Objectivism than i do.
i don’t think i’ve really done anything to error-correct. sometimes
i will look things up online in the lexicon to see if my ideas about the
words are right. i will try to think up my own answers to questions
first, then read other people’s answers to see if they match. (like,
sometimes i do this with Elliot’s emails.)
>> i also think about them and the characters in them. and try to
>> imagine myself being a better person. and try to figure out if that
>> is something i even want.
>> i don’t write about it though.
i don’t know.
i don’t write about most things in general. this seems the same as the
other stuff i don’t write about.
>>>>> are you passive? sometimes? ever? got any problems in that area?
>>>> yes i am passive. a lot.
>>>> i have a lot of problems in that area.
>>> any ideas about why?
>> i don’t know why
>> i feel like i don’t want to do stuff a lot
> do you often feel better about wanting to do stuff after you get
i don’t know. i haven’t thought about that much or paid a lot of
i think usually i just wait until i do feel better to get started. so i
don’t know what would happen if i did it the other way around, and
tried to get started first before i felt better.
>> i think that means that i have conflicting ideas about doing the
>> stuff. part of me doesn’t want to do the stuff. but i don’t
>> really know why. i don’t know what ideas i have that don’t want
>> to do stuff. i don’t know what my reasons are.
> do you have any negative stray thoughts? those can provide hints.
it won’t work anyway
why do people even expect this of me? it’s not fair, and it’s too
much to expect
everyone here (FI) is just fooling themselves. Elliot is wrong about how
good he is and how bad other people are. he can’t possibly be that
much better than professionals and people with degrees and stuff. how
can those entire cultures (e.g., academia, science) exist, and be so
wrong? there must be something to them. something that Elliot is
maybe i would be happier if i just learnt how to properly be
maybe i will never be happy, and should just give up now. why keep
trying for something that will never work?
you should actually get stuff done with your life. you should accomplish
things that you think are worthwhile. otherwise you are wasting your
life. why even be alive if you aren’t going to do anything good with
your life? what is the point of just going along, never doing anything
you think is good or worthwhile, and then dying?
> what do you think counts as productivity, action, doing shit?
doing stuff that you think is good. that you think is accomplishing
writing good emails. i am not sure if my emails count though. sometimes
i write emails that i don’t think really count. they aren’t good
i also feel productive if i do stuff around my house that needs to be
done, like organize shit, or put up a shelf, or clean, or fix a broken
appliance. stuff that makes my life better. i don’t feel a lot of
motivation to do that stuff either.
> what are some reasons people think it's bad and why do you think
> they're mistaken?
they think it is too much work
they think it is boring
they think that productive stuff & fun are opposites. fun is being
non-productive. productive stuff is work.
they think being frivolous or unnecessary or impractical is part of what
*makes* things fun
i don’t really know why they are wrong. i think that people should
value things they think are *good*. they should *want* to do good
things. they should find that fun. but i can’t explain why.
right now, i just don’t find very much stuff fun at all. i used to
find some conventional things fun. but now i don’t find those as fun
anymore. but i don’t find good/ productive things fun either. i feel
unhappy a lot.
> write it out.
i should probably write stuff out more than i did so far
i don’t know how to deal with replying to these emails tho. you ask
some questions that are easy to quickly answer, and others that take a
lot of thought. i could wait until i have answered them all and then
send the reply. or i could answer the easy ones & send right away, then
go back and do the longer ones later. when i do stuff like that, i often
don’t go back later though. that is another problem i have. i
wouldn’t act like that if it was something i really want to do —
something i was excited about doing.