I don’t think you actually had “no rules” about those things. You
might have had no explicit rules, or said you had no rules. But parents
still exert control and have unwritten rules about things. They are more
helpful with some things and less helpful with others. They try to do
“CP finding” or have “discussions” about some of the choices the
child makes, while ignoring or being helpful with other choices.
Parents also have control over the money and the environment. They
advise children on what is & isn’t affordable. They advise them on
what options even exist. They decide how much money to let the child
have total control over and how much money the child can control if he
asks or does “CP finding”. They will advise the child that some
things aren’t affordable, while being willing to spend exact same
amount of money on something else without comment. They will keep some
foods in the house at ~all times, while other foods will only be bought
when children ask and/or will be allowed to run out.
I can give lots of examples of parents doing this kind of thing, but I
can’t give consistent, accurate examples of times *you* did it. I
can’t prove to you that you had these kinds of “unspoken rules”.
If you can’t write about it now though – explain the issue
thoroughly, go through old TCS emails and take them apart showing how
many unspoken rules the “TCS” parents on list actually had – then
there is no way you would have been able to avoid it yourself.
> I felt like I was violating societal norms in a big way. I got
> pushback from lots of people. But maybe those were relatively minor
> changes compared to other changes I could have made.
Pushback is not evidence that you made big changes. You can get big
pushback from lots of conventional parenting choices. Homeschooling is
conventional parenting with some minor changes (and *was* conventional
parenting until fairly recently) and people get a huge amount of
pushback from family & friends for that.
There are some topics where people can get pushback for doing normal,
conventional options: women who bottle feed and women who breastfeed can
both get pushback. And if you breastfeed, you can get pushback either
for doing it openly or for trying to do it discretely.
People also tend to get pushback from conventional things that people
consider “extreme”, even if they are within convention. If you are
strict about diet (e.g., no candy, gluten-free, “whole foods” only)
people don’t like that, but if you feed your kids “too much”
McDonald’s, they don’t like that either.
> Thinking about TCS is not a priority for me right now; there are other
> things I want to focus on. So I don’t expect to follow up on this
> much. But I do have some interest in parenting. I’d read and maybe
> comment if someone else was studying the topic and posting about it.
Most adult children still care how their parents treat them. People in
their 20s & 30s still care about how nice their parents are, how
helpful, how controlling, etc. And people in that age range are also
trying to figure out their own lives, trying to figure out how to live &
work & make money without feeling too coerced by the world. Or how to
have relationships that work well. Or some of them are having children
and care about parenting.
Understanding TCS would still be valuable for your children. Especially
since you somewhat tried to do it. (I saw somewhat because there is no
evidence that *anyone* actually “did TCS”.) There isn’t anything
written about adult TCS kids, but there is some stuff written about
adult unschoolers, and some of them have mixed feelings about it. Some
of them didn’t really understand how the were raised or why. Some of
them learnt it after they grew up and read about it on their own: their
parents never explained it to them.
If you *were* actually successful with doing something like TCS, it’s
even *more* important that you understand it. TCS - as it was explained
on the website and the TCS list, at least - had some major flaws. You
should be able to explain those mistakes to your children and help them
with any problems they might have from using those bad ideas.