Fairly Universal Nonsense for October 02, 2008
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J NA
Oct 2, 2008, 5:09:56 PM10/2/08
to fun-jokes, f-...@googlegroups.com, fairly-unive...@yahoogroups.com, fun-joke...@googlegroups.com, funj...@yahoogroups.com, Samuel Grey
"I found myself utterly depressed the other day and spent
the entire afternoon listening to Celine Dion records...
at least that's what I thought I was doing. Turns out the
cat had just fallen into the dryer and was trying to get
out." --Julian Clary
-----------------------------------------
(We all know its coming to this, don't we?)
Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID
number?
Customer: Hi, I'd like to place an order.
Operator: I must have your NIDN first, sir
Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's
6102049998-45-54610.
Operator: Thank you Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland
Drive, and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number over at
Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566.
E-mail address is See...@home.net<mailto:See...@home.net>.
I see you're calling me from home.
Customer: Huh? Where'd you get all this information?
Operator: We're wired into the HSS, sir.
Customer: The HSS, what is that?
Operator: We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This
will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.
Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat
Special pizzas.
Operator: I don't think that's a good idea, sir.
Customer: Whaddya mean?
Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate
that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol.
Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice.
Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?
Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll
like it.
Customer: What makes you think I'd like something like that?
Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your
local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion.
Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then.
Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife, and your four
kids. Your two dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.
Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.
Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash.
Your credit card balance is over its limit.
Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your
driver gets here.
Operator: That won't work either, sir. Your checking account is
overdrawn also.
Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready.
How long will it take?
Operator: We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45
minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick'em up while
you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle
can be a little awkward.
Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a bike?
Operator: It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your
car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the
tank yesterday.
Customer: Well, I'll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#
Operator: I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got
a July 4, 2003, conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see
here in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge.
Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90-day stay in the State
Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to
society?
Customer: (speechless)
Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?
Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke..
Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us
from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits
this. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut!
------------------------------------------------------
Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"
A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."
--
You are reading Fairly Universal Nonsense: The biggest and best (humble too) joke newsletter on all the Internet (no lie Ive looked around) If you like it then forward it to a friend and tell them to sign up. If you are that friend sign up at: http://fairlyuniversalnonsense.googlepages.com/home
If you have any questions, comments, suggestions, complaints, praises, snide remarks, or anything else you can think of, then I would appreciate it if you would email them to me at jess...@gmail.com. Yes, there is a jessebg1 but you wont get a response. Sometimes it seems that I am sending these jokes to nobody so it would be nice to get some feedback as to how I am doing. Yes, I would even like your complaints and snide remarks.
Feel free to send this Newsletter to your friends, enemy's, or other groups. I don't care. Just keep the title, content, and this little rant on the bottom intact.
the entire afternoon listening to Celine Dion records...
at least that's what I thought I was doing. Turns out the
cat had just fallen into the dryer and was trying to get
out." --Julian Clary
-----------------------------------------
(We all know its coming to this, don't we?)
Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID
number?
Customer: Hi, I'd like to place an order.
Operator: I must have your NIDN first, sir
Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's
6102049998-45-54610.
Operator: Thank you Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland
Drive, and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number over at
Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566.
E-mail address is See...@home.net<mailto:See...@home.net>.
I see you're calling me from home.
Customer: Huh? Where'd you get all this information?
Operator: We're wired into the HSS, sir.
Customer: The HSS, what is that?
Operator: We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This
will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.
Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat
Special pizzas.
Operator: I don't think that's a good idea, sir.
Customer: Whaddya mean?
Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate
that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol.
Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice.
Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?
Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll
like it.
Customer: What makes you think I'd like something like that?
Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your
local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion.
Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then.
Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife, and your four
kids. Your two dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.
Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.
Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash.
Your credit card balance is over its limit.
Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your
driver gets here.
Operator: That won't work either, sir. Your checking account is
overdrawn also.
Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready.
How long will it take?
Operator: We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45
minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick'em up while
you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle
can be a little awkward.
Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a bike?
Operator: It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your
car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the
tank yesterday.
Customer: Well, I'll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#
Operator: I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got
a July 4, 2003, conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see
here in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge.
Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90-day stay in the State
Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to
society?
Customer: (speechless)
Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?
Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke..
Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us
from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits
this. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut!
------------------------------------------------------
Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"
A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."
--
You are reading Fairly Universal Nonsense: The biggest and best (humble too) joke newsletter on all the Internet (no lie Ive looked around) If you like it then forward it to a friend and tell them to sign up. If you are that friend sign up at: http://fairlyuniversalnonsense.googlepages.com/home
If you have any questions, comments, suggestions, complaints, praises, snide remarks, or anything else you can think of, then I would appreciate it if you would email them to me at jess...@gmail.com. Yes, there is a jessebg1 but you wont get a response. Sometimes it seems that I am sending these jokes to nobody so it would be nice to get some feedback as to how I am doing. Yes, I would even like your complaints and snide remarks.
Feel free to send this Newsletter to your friends, enemy's, or other groups. I don't care. Just keep the title, content, and this little rant on the bottom intact.
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