NECROFILE: Free Grant Proposals!
karl mamer
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
eye WEEKLY June 13, 1996
Toronto's arts newspaper .....free every Thursday
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE NECROFILE THE NECROFILE
FREE GRANT PROPOSALS!
by
DONNA LYPCHUK
Impress the Chalmers family with your revisionist French Film Theory!
Wow Mr. and Mrs. McMichael with your Jackson Pollock style sculpture!
(Yes, I said sculpture -- imagine how creative and free a 3D Jackson
Pollock would be...).
Here are some FREE ideas for Grant Proposals that you can use to
convince this province's disillusioned cultural patrons that talent
STILL EXISTS in Ontario and furthermore that their millions of dollars
are being put to GOOD USE and that Jack Bush is not rolling over in
his grave because you spent all of your grant money on a "How To
Cruise The Internet" seminar instead of on a portage with easel
through Algonquin Park as promised in the application.
As an artist, whether ye be writer, painter, filmmaker or bingo
dabber, it is up to you to allay the fears of these rich people so
they don't run away from you with their millions of dollars. So here
are some awesomely excellent proposals for projects that they would be
fools -- do you hear me? -- ABSOLUTE FOOLS not to fund!
PROJECT: THE BINGO MARKER DABBER PAINTING SERIES
Description: A series of abstract paintings created using different
colored bingo dabbers.
Amount Requested: $14,000
Artist Statement: In the tradition of Olitski and other polka-dot
making artists it is my intention to expose the unfairness of the
class struggle in general by using an unconventional artist's tool to
display my confusion and anger at the lower classes' inherent
inability to keep up with the status quo as defined by the
imperialistic Western patriarchy.
PROJECT: THE "REMEMBER OUR DAYS OF GLORY" ART SHOW
Description: Remember that really good art show me and my friends put
on in 1981? Well, we would like to ask for some money to put on the
exact same show again to remind everybody that we're still all around,
even though in the meantime we have broken up as a collective and
haven't really done anything in the last 15 years. Well, maybe we
won't put on the exact same show. Maybe we'll leave out some of the
people we don't like any more.
Amount Requested: $26,000
Curatorial Statement: It is important to look back at the artists who
have created art history in Canada so we can decide right now, before
we die, who was the most influential artist among us. It is also
important for us to take credit for all the work we did on the show
before the people we have selectively eliminated from our history
write a book or something.
PROJECT: THE BIRTH OF ROCK 'N' ROLL WALL MURAL
Description: A Mural! Depicting! The Birth! Of Rock 'N' Roll! From
Hendrix To Joplin To Devo! To Be Painted On A Wall! Somewhere!
Downtown! Yeah! All Right!
Amount Requested: $3,000
Artist Statement: My my, hey hey, rock 'n' roll is here to stay is all
I have to say. Oh, yeah and I promise I will spend the money on paint
and not on fixing the car or joints or beer or anything.
PROJECT: THE EGYPTIAN GARDEN IN MISSISSAUGA PROJECT
Description: Working in tandem with a real Egyptian, it is our
intention as landscape artists to transform a landfill site in
Mississauga into an Egyptian garden, complete with a red colored Nile
River that really overflows, and REAL PAPYRUS!
Amount Requested: $200,000
Artist Statement: By mixing indigenous Canadian plants, such as
trilliums and the tulips that Queen Juliana brought over in the war,
with real papyrus, and contrasting Egyptian land forms (such as sand)
with parts of the Canadian shield, which we will have transported to
Mississauga from the Gatineau Hills, the public will be able to see an
interesting spatial relationship about the differences between
Egyptian land forms and Canadian land forms with one glance.
PROJECT: THE CARTOONS OF THE NFB -- FIGURES OF A FASCIST REGIME OR
MERELY AMUSING?
Description: A 3,500-word essay perhaps to be published, at great
expense to the author (Xeroxing, postage), in a provincial collection
of essays to be published at any time in the next seven years.
Amount Requested: $1,500
Artist Statement: A thoughtful analysis of such NFB classics as The
Cat Came Bac has led me to the conclusion that these cartoons are more
like reality than reality itself -- the very nature of reality, of
course, being more fascist than liberal because it keeps coming at you
to kick you with its big black boots, relentlessly, very much like the
cat in The Cat Came Bac.
PROJECT THE MAKING OF A CANADIAN SAGE -- A NOVEL
Description: A novel about a son who lives in the shadow of his famous
father who travels a lot between Montreal and Quebec, debating
political issues while having many affairs with gorgeous women, yet at
the same time keeping a special place in his heart for his wife who
forgives him for putting her in a mental institution because she knows
his quest to find himself as a famous Canadian writer is more
important than her mental health.
Amount Requested: $10,000
Artist Statement: Please see enclosed soft feature about my eccentric
and wonderful life that was published in the Kingston Whig Standard.
PROJECT: I'M SICK AND TIRED... AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANY MORE -
- A FILM
Description: A 16mm color educational half-hour film featuring
interviews with Canada's most famous art patrons -- the Chalmers, the
McMichaels and the Tanenbaums -- where they tell you, the artist,
what they think is a good art proposal.
Amount Requested: $30,000
Artist Statement: See title above.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Retransmit freely in cyberspace Author holds standard copyright
http://www.eye.net Mailing list available
Necrofile archive ---------------------> http://www.eye.net/News/Necro
e...@eye.net "...Break the Gutenberg Lock..." 416-971-8421