Self-help techniques for living with alexithymia
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Triton
Jul 14, 2010, 3:37:03 AM7/14/10
to Alexithymia Exchange
I know these are simple, but the following suggestions can be helpful
(please add more to this list if you can think of any!)
Self-help
Alexithymia which has a biological cause may not benefit by
psychotherapy. If the neural structures involved in emotion-processing
are damaged by atrophy or injury (TBI), the process may not be
reversible. Moreover, even for those with a treatable form of
alexithymia, psychotherapy may be impractical due to travel
constraints or extravagant costs. In these cases compensatory coping
strategies can help one function as well as possible in personal and
public life. These strategies range from education to help clarify the
nature of one’s difficulties, to tailored practical ‘self-help’
strategies for better handling inter- personal relating and crises.
Along these lines the following suggestions may be useful for those
who have alexithymia:
Recognize alexithymia – don’t ignore it
If you have heard about alexithymia and suspect you have it, take time
to read more about the function or dysfunction of emotional awareness
in everyday life, and try to identify corresponding aspects of your
own experience. Most literature on emotional intelligence, and
particularly titles about Asperger’s syndrome, tend to cover this
subject. This proactive approach will prove more beneficial than
ignoring alexithymia, as it prepares the way for self-help techniques
to be targeted to those areas in which you experience setbacks. In the
long run the awareness gained will help your life to become more
manageable, adjusted and enjoyable.
Accept yourself
During the discovery process you will learn that you do not have an
inadequate personality, but that you are different in a beneficial way
and possess valuable qualities as part of that difference. Some of the
noted qualities alexithymic individuals display are loyalty,
dependability, ability to speak one’s mind, a skill for noticing
detail, exceptional memory for certain facts (such as names, dates,
schedules, routines), a desire for order and accuracy, an acute
sensitivity to physical stimuli (hearing, touch, vision and/or smell),
increased perseverance and endurance in areas of interest, and not
infrequently a prowess in certain sports or games (Attwood and Gray
1999). These traits are valued, and even desired, by those who lack
them, which knowledge can contribute to general self-acceptance as you
evaluate both the weaknesses and strengths in your character.
Practice detecting emotions
Learn to familiarize yourself with the possible signs of emotion, such
as a racing heart, feeling faint, blushing, breathlessness, body-
tension, goose-bumps, butterflies, sickness or pain in the stomach.
When such symptoms appear it will be difficult for you to distinguish
whether these signs are from emotions or physical illnesses, such is
the conundrum posed by alexithymia. But it is worth asking the
question in order to save yourself unnecessary trips to the doctor due
to misinterpretation of body states. You may be able to make a
hypothetical connection between the physical signs and current life-
events or circumstances which might have elicited the reaction in your
body.
If you have some vague sense that the symptoms may be emotional, try
to find techniques whereby you can reduce the physical effects of
these emotions in your body even if you can’t quite identify which
emotions they are. There are general ways to achieve this, such as by
reducing the quantity of your activities, slowing down your pace,
relaxing or lying down to rest, all of which may alleviate the
upsetting effects of emotional stress. On these occasions it may help
to do self-comforting activities like listening to soothing music or
preparing a favourite meal.
A second technique is to selectively change your present
cirumstances – your schedule, your present projects, or even the
company you keep with others – to see if this removes the evoking
stressors. If this does remove the stressors, your body will feel less
tense and any ill-feeling will dissipate.
Third, try injecting a new activity into your schedule and start it
immediately, preferably an enjoyable one such as a favourite sport,
hobby, watching TV or visiting a friend. This frequently succeeds in
redirecting an uncomfortable emotional state, such as depression or
sadness, replacing it with more enjoyable ones. There will of course
be times when these methods don’t work, but take heart – even non-
alexithymic people can’t always control their emotions.
Learn techniques in ‘emotional etiquette’
Because you will be mixing with non-alexithymic people much of the
time you will benefit by cultivating a keener sense of others’
emotional messages judging by their verbal and physical cues, such as
smiling and crying. If you have a vague idea of what the other person
might be feeling – even if you can only detect such broad categories
as ‘good’ and ‘bad’ or ‘happy’ and ‘sad’ – this will be a good basis
on which to craft your response. If you can recognize these general
categories of feeling, you can respond also with general ‘potted
responses’ which pass as polite and acceptable exchanges, even if you
don’t understand the fuller complexity of others’ feelings. These
versatile responses can be (a) generalised comments of concern
toward the other person’s unhappiness (e.g. ‘That’s no good’ or ‘That
must make you feel awful’) or (b) a praising response toward others’
sense of good fortune or happiness (e.g. ‘Wow! You must be happy about
that’ or ‘I’m really happy for you’). Such broad responses pass as
acceptable emotional etiquette which do not require you to look for
deeper emotional nuances.
A further useful technique in emotional etiquette, and one which
enormously benefits those with alexithymia is the so-called
‘compliment – critique - compliment’ technique. Alexithymic
individuals are noted for being direct with their stated opinions,
which to a non-alexithymic person can seem deliberately rude or
hostile. Without clear qualifiers of the emotional intent behind your
statement, non-alexithymic persons may suspect that kind words have
been deliberately withheld from statements as an act of
unfriendliness. To avoid this gross misunderstanding it pays to soften
one’s statements with a compliment before offering a blunt factual
observation. For example, where an alexithymic individual might point
out to a mathematics student ‘Your answer to that equation is
incorrect’, a more reassuring approach might go something like
‘[compliment] I like the way you set out your work, I can see you’ve
put a lot of effort into it… [critique] but on this occasion the
answer to the equation is incorrect… [compliment]but good luck on the
next question, I hope you do better’. The encouraging statements
offered here both before and after the factual critique qualifies the
emotional tone and motivation of the speaker. If no qualification is
offered, then the hearer may feel that the speaker is just being
unfriendly. Learning to use qualifiers and simple feelings responses
like those outlined above may feel somewhat automated or phony, but
they will nevertheless get you through to your old age with the least
amount of heartache to yourself from misunderstandings, and for this
reason they are worth employing.
Be wary of commonsense advice about feelings
Be wary of friends bearing commonsense advice about ‘how to get in
touch with your feelings’. Acquaintances who gain a sense of how
difficult it is for you to apprehend your feelings may suggest body-
relaxation, meditation, self-esteem affirmations, expressive
discussions, primal-screaming, and other random techniques. These
suggestions are usually intended for people with proficiency in the
normal range of feelings, and may not be suitable for alexithymics. In
fact they may even lead to confusion, frustration and physical turmoil
when your emotions become stirred and find you cannot modulate their
effects.
Create a stable routine
Without the ability to self-regulate your emotions efficiently, it is
very difficult to modulate the level of anxiety that comes with
meeting new people or facing unfamiliar circumstances. There- fore
some people with alexithymia find it helpful to maintain a stable
predictable routine to help control the sheer quantity of new
emotional information that has to be negotiated. This familiarity has
the effect of minimizing both fatigue and anxiety associated with
unfamiliar situations.
Foster co-supportive relationships
Above all it is important to have co-supportive relationships with
those who can offer guidance and strength in areas where you feel
disadvantaged. It may be that you develop a special relationship with
a non-alexithymic person, such as a friend, therapist, partner or
workmate. The advantage here is that you can integrate your
functioning with someone who can anchor you in emotional areas when
and where you need it, someone who might gently steer you away from
something when you are over-doing it to your detriment, or who can
advise you on the emotional etiquette in various situations. In turn,
you can help this person by supporting them in ways that you are
skilled at
giving, e.g. by offering them your neat reality sense and attention to
details, giving a sports massage, by helping them with their
mathematics homework or some other intellectual task, or with whatever
other talents you have. But you should be forth- right and tell the
other that you cannot function proficiently in the emotional arena,
and they are not to expect you to do so. This person should be
encouraged to seek a measure of emotional fulfillment outside of your
relationship, with others, which will help also to avoid a more
problematic co-dependent style of relationship. A girlfriend/boyfriend
would be a suitable partner for co-supportive activities because they
are frequently present, or a second choice might be a friend,
therapist or colleague (or indeed you may find several co-supportive
relationships).
Take time out to gather your thoughts
Anecdotal evidence shows that those with alexithymia are able to
process some emotional data but that it takes longer to do so because
they use different parts of their brain to do this than others.
Whereas a typical person might intuitively grasp emotional data in
milliseconds, those with alexithymia experience a delay factor lasting
anywhere from one extra second to several hours to arrive at the same
conclusion. They have to think things out in a slower, rational
manner, and to this aim ‘time-out’ rituals sometimes prove useful for
catching on to the emotional values in situations and relationships.
Reflection time usually requires a private space free of
distractions, such as a private bedroom, a study or locked bathroom,
and is best practiced a few times each day. Other relatively
distraction-free settings may be a meditation place, such as a church
or ashram, a secluded nature spot, or while doing gentle sports like
swimming, walking or gardening. The duration of time-out sessions is
up to each individual, but it is best kept short so as to avoid
practical reflection slipping into morbid rumination. Over-thinking
about past slights, failed relationships, how difficult you find life,
what people think of you, or where your life will end up in ten years
leads only to morbidity and can bring on serious depression. It is
therefore best to keep these reflective times focused on more
practical emotional matters close at hand. A second recommendation is
to terminate any time-out sessions in which only empty-headedness or
confusion manifest, as nothing productive may take place at these
times.
Overall, taking time out to gather your thoughts can improve your
grasp of the feelings, intentions and expectations of others, as well
as clarifying your own. This will greatly help your sense of clarity
and ability to make informed decisions.
(please add more to this list if you can think of any!)
Self-help
Alexithymia which has a biological cause may not benefit by
psychotherapy. If the neural structures involved in emotion-processing
are damaged by atrophy or injury (TBI), the process may not be
reversible. Moreover, even for those with a treatable form of
alexithymia, psychotherapy may be impractical due to travel
constraints or extravagant costs. In these cases compensatory coping
strategies can help one function as well as possible in personal and
public life. These strategies range from education to help clarify the
nature of one’s difficulties, to tailored practical ‘self-help’
strategies for better handling inter- personal relating and crises.
Along these lines the following suggestions may be useful for those
who have alexithymia:
Recognize alexithymia – don’t ignore it
If you have heard about alexithymia and suspect you have it, take time
to read more about the function or dysfunction of emotional awareness
in everyday life, and try to identify corresponding aspects of your
own experience. Most literature on emotional intelligence, and
particularly titles about Asperger’s syndrome, tend to cover this
subject. This proactive approach will prove more beneficial than
ignoring alexithymia, as it prepares the way for self-help techniques
to be targeted to those areas in which you experience setbacks. In the
long run the awareness gained will help your life to become more
manageable, adjusted and enjoyable.
Accept yourself
During the discovery process you will learn that you do not have an
inadequate personality, but that you are different in a beneficial way
and possess valuable qualities as part of that difference. Some of the
noted qualities alexithymic individuals display are loyalty,
dependability, ability to speak one’s mind, a skill for noticing
detail, exceptional memory for certain facts (such as names, dates,
schedules, routines), a desire for order and accuracy, an acute
sensitivity to physical stimuli (hearing, touch, vision and/or smell),
increased perseverance and endurance in areas of interest, and not
infrequently a prowess in certain sports or games (Attwood and Gray
1999). These traits are valued, and even desired, by those who lack
them, which knowledge can contribute to general self-acceptance as you
evaluate both the weaknesses and strengths in your character.
Practice detecting emotions
Learn to familiarize yourself with the possible signs of emotion, such
as a racing heart, feeling faint, blushing, breathlessness, body-
tension, goose-bumps, butterflies, sickness or pain in the stomach.
When such symptoms appear it will be difficult for you to distinguish
whether these signs are from emotions or physical illnesses, such is
the conundrum posed by alexithymia. But it is worth asking the
question in order to save yourself unnecessary trips to the doctor due
to misinterpretation of body states. You may be able to make a
hypothetical connection between the physical signs and current life-
events or circumstances which might have elicited the reaction in your
body.
If you have some vague sense that the symptoms may be emotional, try
to find techniques whereby you can reduce the physical effects of
these emotions in your body even if you can’t quite identify which
emotions they are. There are general ways to achieve this, such as by
reducing the quantity of your activities, slowing down your pace,
relaxing or lying down to rest, all of which may alleviate the
upsetting effects of emotional stress. On these occasions it may help
to do self-comforting activities like listening to soothing music or
preparing a favourite meal.
A second technique is to selectively change your present
cirumstances – your schedule, your present projects, or even the
company you keep with others – to see if this removes the evoking
stressors. If this does remove the stressors, your body will feel less
tense and any ill-feeling will dissipate.
Third, try injecting a new activity into your schedule and start it
immediately, preferably an enjoyable one such as a favourite sport,
hobby, watching TV or visiting a friend. This frequently succeeds in
redirecting an uncomfortable emotional state, such as depression or
sadness, replacing it with more enjoyable ones. There will of course
be times when these methods don’t work, but take heart – even non-
alexithymic people can’t always control their emotions.
Learn techniques in ‘emotional etiquette’
Because you will be mixing with non-alexithymic people much of the
time you will benefit by cultivating a keener sense of others’
emotional messages judging by their verbal and physical cues, such as
smiling and crying. If you have a vague idea of what the other person
might be feeling – even if you can only detect such broad categories
as ‘good’ and ‘bad’ or ‘happy’ and ‘sad’ – this will be a good basis
on which to craft your response. If you can recognize these general
categories of feeling, you can respond also with general ‘potted
responses’ which pass as polite and acceptable exchanges, even if you
don’t understand the fuller complexity of others’ feelings. These
versatile responses can be (a) generalised comments of concern
toward the other person’s unhappiness (e.g. ‘That’s no good’ or ‘That
must make you feel awful’) or (b) a praising response toward others’
sense of good fortune or happiness (e.g. ‘Wow! You must be happy about
that’ or ‘I’m really happy for you’). Such broad responses pass as
acceptable emotional etiquette which do not require you to look for
deeper emotional nuances.
A further useful technique in emotional etiquette, and one which
enormously benefits those with alexithymia is the so-called
‘compliment – critique - compliment’ technique. Alexithymic
individuals are noted for being direct with their stated opinions,
which to a non-alexithymic person can seem deliberately rude or
hostile. Without clear qualifiers of the emotional intent behind your
statement, non-alexithymic persons may suspect that kind words have
been deliberately withheld from statements as an act of
unfriendliness. To avoid this gross misunderstanding it pays to soften
one’s statements with a compliment before offering a blunt factual
observation. For example, where an alexithymic individual might point
out to a mathematics student ‘Your answer to that equation is
incorrect’, a more reassuring approach might go something like
‘[compliment] I like the way you set out your work, I can see you’ve
put a lot of effort into it… [critique] but on this occasion the
answer to the equation is incorrect… [compliment]but good luck on the
next question, I hope you do better’. The encouraging statements
offered here both before and after the factual critique qualifies the
emotional tone and motivation of the speaker. If no qualification is
offered, then the hearer may feel that the speaker is just being
unfriendly. Learning to use qualifiers and simple feelings responses
like those outlined above may feel somewhat automated or phony, but
they will nevertheless get you through to your old age with the least
amount of heartache to yourself from misunderstandings, and for this
reason they are worth employing.
Be wary of commonsense advice about feelings
Be wary of friends bearing commonsense advice about ‘how to get in
touch with your feelings’. Acquaintances who gain a sense of how
difficult it is for you to apprehend your feelings may suggest body-
relaxation, meditation, self-esteem affirmations, expressive
discussions, primal-screaming, and other random techniques. These
suggestions are usually intended for people with proficiency in the
normal range of feelings, and may not be suitable for alexithymics. In
fact they may even lead to confusion, frustration and physical turmoil
when your emotions become stirred and find you cannot modulate their
effects.
Create a stable routine
Without the ability to self-regulate your emotions efficiently, it is
very difficult to modulate the level of anxiety that comes with
meeting new people or facing unfamiliar circumstances. There- fore
some people with alexithymia find it helpful to maintain a stable
predictable routine to help control the sheer quantity of new
emotional information that has to be negotiated. This familiarity has
the effect of minimizing both fatigue and anxiety associated with
unfamiliar situations.
Foster co-supportive relationships
Above all it is important to have co-supportive relationships with
those who can offer guidance and strength in areas where you feel
disadvantaged. It may be that you develop a special relationship with
a non-alexithymic person, such as a friend, therapist, partner or
workmate. The advantage here is that you can integrate your
functioning with someone who can anchor you in emotional areas when
and where you need it, someone who might gently steer you away from
something when you are over-doing it to your detriment, or who can
advise you on the emotional etiquette in various situations. In turn,
you can help this person by supporting them in ways that you are
skilled at
giving, e.g. by offering them your neat reality sense and attention to
details, giving a sports massage, by helping them with their
mathematics homework or some other intellectual task, or with whatever
other talents you have. But you should be forth- right and tell the
other that you cannot function proficiently in the emotional arena,
and they are not to expect you to do so. This person should be
encouraged to seek a measure of emotional fulfillment outside of your
relationship, with others, which will help also to avoid a more
problematic co-dependent style of relationship. A girlfriend/boyfriend
would be a suitable partner for co-supportive activities because they
are frequently present, or a second choice might be a friend,
therapist or colleague (or indeed you may find several co-supportive
relationships).
Take time out to gather your thoughts
Anecdotal evidence shows that those with alexithymia are able to
process some emotional data but that it takes longer to do so because
they use different parts of their brain to do this than others.
Whereas a typical person might intuitively grasp emotional data in
milliseconds, those with alexithymia experience a delay factor lasting
anywhere from one extra second to several hours to arrive at the same
conclusion. They have to think things out in a slower, rational
manner, and to this aim ‘time-out’ rituals sometimes prove useful for
catching on to the emotional values in situations and relationships.
Reflection time usually requires a private space free of
distractions, such as a private bedroom, a study or locked bathroom,
and is best practiced a few times each day. Other relatively
distraction-free settings may be a meditation place, such as a church
or ashram, a secluded nature spot, or while doing gentle sports like
swimming, walking or gardening. The duration of time-out sessions is
up to each individual, but it is best kept short so as to avoid
practical reflection slipping into morbid rumination. Over-thinking
about past slights, failed relationships, how difficult you find life,
what people think of you, or where your life will end up in ten years
leads only to morbidity and can bring on serious depression. It is
therefore best to keep these reflective times focused on more
practical emotional matters close at hand. A second recommendation is
to terminate any time-out sessions in which only empty-headedness or
confusion manifest, as nothing productive may take place at these
times.
Overall, taking time out to gather your thoughts can improve your
grasp of the feelings, intentions and expectations of others, as well
as clarifying your own. This will greatly help your sense of clarity
and ability to make informed decisions.
NadazZz
Jul 13, 2012, 9:39:54 AM7/13/12
to exchang...@googlegroups.com
This is a very good one!
Thank youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
kurokawa8
Jul 14, 2012, 5:24:52 AM7/14/12
to exchang...@googlegroups.com
very well written. thank you. I find the two most challenging aspects you brought up are learning emotional etiquette and fostering co-supportive relationships.
"Sweetening" interactions for the sake of emotional etiquette is a tough one. Sometimes I go too far, sometimes I hold back. I keep trying and trying but I have a hard time hitting the mark because I'm just not able to put genuine emotional energy into it. But there's also the problem of succeeding. What if you hit the mark? You evoke an emotional response. You initiate a bond. It's manipulative because it's not sincere. The other person may suspect they are being conned and try to verify by emotional probing. Or else they will try to warm up to you, particularly if they haven't bonded with you before, and you will inevitably fail to connect which makes it worse. So many girls just hated my guts because of this dynamic. I try to go between being flat blunt and barely polite. Any closer brings me into the zone of success which is the worst possible outcome. I try to play off the bluntness as being masculine but then there's the danger of initiating conflict with other men. Failure is inevitable so I will deliberately shoot myself in the foot in an effort for a controlled crash or completely isolate myself.
Finding co-supportive relationships is impossible for me. I simply have never met anyone who is capable of understanding, except for counselors or therapists. My mom was tolerant but she's gone now. The rest of my family has disintegrated. I suppose the best shot for co-supportive relationships would be with folks with a very very high level of integtrity who consciously and deliberately treat everyone the same way no matter what. I haven't found that yet. Old people are the best option now that I think about it. They are lonely, have low self-esteem, and dont have the energy for conflict. Another problem is I live in California and I suspect people are just plain mean around here compared to other places, despite the stereotype.
"Sweetening" interactions for the sake of emotional etiquette is a tough one. Sometimes I go too far, sometimes I hold back. I keep trying and trying but I have a hard time hitting the mark because I'm just not able to put genuine emotional energy into it. But there's also the problem of succeeding. What if you hit the mark? You evoke an emotional response. You initiate a bond. It's manipulative because it's not sincere. The other person may suspect they are being conned and try to verify by emotional probing. Or else they will try to warm up to you, particularly if they haven't bonded with you before, and you will inevitably fail to connect which makes it worse. So many girls just hated my guts because of this dynamic. I try to go between being flat blunt and barely polite. Any closer brings me into the zone of success which is the worst possible outcome. I try to play off the bluntness as being masculine but then there's the danger of initiating conflict with other men. Failure is inevitable so I will deliberately shoot myself in the foot in an effort for a controlled crash or completely isolate myself.
Finding co-supportive relationships is impossible for me. I simply have never met anyone who is capable of understanding, except for counselors or therapists. My mom was tolerant but she's gone now. The rest of my family has disintegrated. I suppose the best shot for co-supportive relationships would be with folks with a very very high level of integtrity who consciously and deliberately treat everyone the same way no matter what. I haven't found that yet. Old people are the best option now that I think about it. They are lonely, have low self-esteem, and dont have the energy for conflict. Another problem is I live in California and I suspect people are just plain mean around here compared to other places, despite the stereotype.
kurokawa8
Jul 21, 2012, 4:36:24 AM7/21/12
to exchang...@googlegroups.com
I've been thinking about this for the last week. Giving a general response for the sake of emotional etiquette doesn't work for me. It's good advice but there's something wrong that I can't put my finger on. Then I realize I in fact DO always try to hit the mark; I never ever stop trying to feel or stop trying to bond with other people. I must be the most stubborn person in the universe. I keep banging my head against the wall in a futile attempt to process/discharge emotions (Interactions with others is the best way to seek processing/discharge). My right hemisphere is on fire with emotional arousal but my corpus callosum is blocking the flow. Is it even possible to give up trying? it doesn't feel like it. I can't imagine what it's like to act with a flat affect and just mouth polite words. I know deep down inside I'm desparate for connection, affirmation, bonding...something. Some need I didn't get fulfilled. Nobody but maybe the people in here can appreciate what a miserable hell I'm experiencing in life. I think it's pretty clear in this kind of case there would be a benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy.
For the record I've tried several times to crest the barrior of the corpus callosum and had very bad consequences. Emotions just cannot be muscled through, although i do somehow feel like maybe 5-10% discharge when i try to cry really hard, and maybe (I'm not sure) when i rage, which is quite frequent. The good feelings are ALWAYS blocked 100%.
Sorry for being muddled in my wiriting and thought.
For the record I've tried several times to crest the barrior of the corpus callosum and had very bad consequences. Emotions just cannot be muscled through, although i do somehow feel like maybe 5-10% discharge when i try to cry really hard, and maybe (I'm not sure) when i rage, which is quite frequent. The good feelings are ALWAYS blocked 100%.
Sorry for being muddled in my wiriting and thought.
CalebC
Jul 22, 2012, 9:33:18 PM7/22/12
to exchang...@googlegroups.com
Your statement about being worried about hitting the mark too well strikes a common chord for me. I sometimes notice that those around me react excitedly when I do something "normal" or get the right response, but this exuberance is overwhelming and makes me uncomfortable. The result is trying to get close enough to the mark to be understood but still off enough so that the other person doesn't get excited.
This leads to an addition to the list or maybe an addendum to the co-supportive relationships:
Be open about Alex with people you are building relationships with. With a little practice, you can have a quick explanation that will at least give a reason for when you mess up in a social situation. Not everyone needs to know, but the more people around that understand, the better. If you find it difficult to talk to or convince your current friends, it may be worth it to seek out a new group that you can start the friendship with the knowledge of Alex.
As an example, I grew in understanding of how I was different while in high school, but it was too late to share that with my friends (or at least some of them). Heading off to college provided a chance to make friends without hiding my difference, which meant interactions required less energy and they didn't get offended when I acted oddly.
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