Does my ex have Alex?

[Anna C]

I broke it off with my partner of 3 years last week because I had enough of not getting any emotion from him whatsoever.  In the desperate quest to understand him and what happened I was searching the internet for ‘lack of emotion’ and stumbled across Alex and this site.   I guess I would like some feedback about whether you think my ex might have Alex.  His behaviour was a lot like what I have read about on this site – I had to teach him to hug, he never said I love you (learnt to say it back to me mechanically) or initiated affection, never paid compliments, was not fussed about birthdays or special occasions, had no interest in being physically intimate – I got a mechanical peck hello and goodnight, only wanted to talk facts/rational things, didn’t seem to ever miss me or have a burning desire to see me and was just content with ‘hanging out’.  He never really got excited about anything and just seemed flat-line and numb a lot of the time.  I know that some of our friends found him difficult to socialise with because he didn’t build up rapport with people over time and didn’t really share anything of himself other than factual things. Even when asked how he felt about something, he still stuck to what he thought about it.  He was really jovial and loving with pets though which was hard to watch because that is what I wanted from him and I found myself getting jealous of my own dog!

 One thing that he didn’t have as far as I know are the physical symptoms that Alex’s have – in fact he was physically very healthy.  This seems to be a major factor in diagnosis. I read on another site that speech impediments are common with this, particularly in males, and he did have one when he was young.

 The break up has been really tough because it’s like he can totally detach and I’m left exhausted and emotionally zapped, wondering why all my efforts got us nowhere.  In the end he just thought I was a nagging, critical cow that was trying to change him and make him be more like me when he was fine just the way he was.  I tried coaxing, begging pleading, reading books, reading websites, adapting my behaviour to try to bring out emotion in him and nothing was working, so after lots of pleading I got us to relationship counselling. After 4 months of it he was only going through the motions for an hour a fortnight and not trying to make any change in between and he just kept saying that we didn’t need to go to counselling.  I realised then that I was fighting a losing battle.

 After my long winded explanation, I would love to know your thoughts on whether you think my ex has Alex.  Being able to identify the way he was as something specific would help to make me make some sense of all of this.

Thank you! 

[Andy kennaugh]

Your ex sounds like me.

As to whether it is Alexithymia or some autistic spectrum disorder or some other brain misfunction is the hard bit.

My "self diagnosis" may not give you a label that you seek, but it may help you see from the other side of the fence, so to speak.

I feel (or don't feel, which is the issue, really) the same detachments, the same lack of excitement, the same lack of involvement with other people as your ex.  My awareness of all this only really came about after going on a dairy free diet, which may be coincidental or not (there are suspicions of dairy and brain problems via an auto-immune reaction).  Anyway.......

My thoughts about this are that somehow I didn't develop a sense of personal (social/emotional) identity, i.e. some part of my brain where "identity" lives didn't develop as it should.  This has meant that what goes on around me doesn't connect to "me" because there isn't a "me" to connect to.  This is particularly apparent in relation to other people, but also means that what one may call experiences are somehow flat.  I do things with no sense of achievement or excitement, I just do stuff. 

I'd say I don't "feel" like there's anyone there.  My eyes see all the pictures of what's around, but whatever "me" part of my brain that should light up when other people are around doesn't light up, so connections to other people are detached.  I don't particularly like social gatherings because they make no sense to me.  I don't feel part of what's going on, the shared "experience" of life, or whatever.  I also don't have an "emotional" memory.  I remember the pictures, but not the feelings and it's the feelings (like/dislike, etc) that to a large extent drive us to do things again and lead to our connections to other people and the wider world.  

I am married but separated and have 2 kids.  Watching my kids and their interaction with other kids is in stark contrast to how I was at their age.  I was a loner, I didn't really take part in "being a kid", I was in my own world.  Even at that age, there was a detachment from other children because I didn't sense any connection to them as other people.  I wasn't a teenager in the usually accepted sense of what it is to be a teenager, i.e. social and sociable.  

As I see it I'm not fixable.  I can now appreciate a bit more being around people (and this is where I feel being dairy free for 2 years now is not just coincidence) but the damage has already happened and I can't catch up the missed decades of lost social awareness and development of identity. 

I'd say that, sadly, your ex was that way in the same way a blind person couldn't see your beauty or a deaf person couldn't hear you sing.  It wasn't something he could do anything about because the part(s) of his brain that would have allowed him to have any meaningful emotional connection to you just weren't there or weren't working properly.  

Every brain is different and other people may have different interpretations and experiences.  Hopefully this may give you some appreciation of what went on (or didn't)

Good luck

Andy

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Date: Fri, 2 Nov 2012 00:15:32 -0700
From: ag...@capire.com.au
To: exchang...@googlegroups.com
Subject: Does my ex have Alex?

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[coldstate49]

@Anna - My ex-husband took the test to confirm what I knew the minute I discovered Alexithymia.  It is somewhat comforting to know there is an organic reason for the behavior, but in the end you have to decide if you can accept it, or not, because it is not going to change.

[CalebC]

Hi,

My thoughts would mimic the other responses so I won't repeat them.  I did want to add on to the point of physical symptoms.  To my understanding, not everyone with alex develops physical issues or even similar physical issues.  It all comes down to how much emotion the person is exposed to and how well they can deal with it.

Not sure if you have seen some of the posts on here from others who have left a relationship with an alex.  The pain and frustration is a common theme, but most follow up later with how they have been able to work through the impact of such an abnormal relationship and are much happier.  So, in addition to finding answers here, I hope you can find encouragement.

[Sarah A]

I'm glad you posted your reply Andy, it helps me to understand what my son might be feeling (or not feeling) and why he acts the way he does. He moved out because he wanted to live alone (he's a teenager) and he said he never misses me, he never thinks about me when he doesn't see me and he never feels any sort of desire to see me. I know many teenagers like to enjoy independence, but it isn't independence that he is craving. He just wants to be alone. I mean really alone. As in he doesn't have any friends either, which is really unusual in a teenager, he doesn't go out and he doesn't like to go out. He studies online so he never has to go out or see anyone. He doesn't want me to kiss him or hug him or do any motherly things for him. It's not a boasty "I can do it myself" kind of thing, he just says he doesn't need it and he doesn't miss having me do things for him or taking care of him. I was wondering if maybe he hates me or is rejecting me, or maybe he prefers other people over me, but his grandfather that he lives with (his grandfather is elderly and ill and never goes out) says my son doesn't do anything or see anyone or talk to anyone or go out, he just hides in his room all day. So now I can see maybe it isn't that he rejects me or hates me or is anti-social or hates people and society, maybe he is just an alex and was born this way.

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