Alexithymia and sexuality

[Leonie]

hello everyone,

My husband has problems with initiating sex in our relationship - ie
he never initiates sex! It appears he has no interest in it. He says
that he does want to have sex and he enjoys it, but I'm totally
confused. The sex drive in normal, healthy men should be pretty much
a driving force within them to pursue regular sexual relations with
either potential partners or spouses - unles I'm missing something
here ?? Possibly there's a problem with low testosterone and also
possibly psychological issues are preventing him from going down the
track of sex.

Does anyone here have any stories to tell about this subject ? Do
Alex's avoid sex or have issues surrounding it ?

Thanks so much for listening... hope to talk to someone about it if
possible,

Leonie

[andrea jones]

Hi there,
 
I hate to hear this, but now that I think about it, my husband doesn't either unless he has had a few drinks or something.  I guess I'm lucky because I have an extremely high sex drive.  Our emotional strong connection is sex.  I say, "who cares if you have to intiate" :0)  My husband is not affectionate unless alcohol is involved.  I do usually intiate, but once things are started I openly communicate!  I say EXACTLY what I need or want.  Our sex life is awesome and I have accepted that I will be the "initiator".  Who cares as long as it gives you what you need and makes for a great experience???  It will make a significant difference in the "emotional" piece, atleast it does for myself and my husband.  (hope that helps)
 
> Date: Tue, 22 Feb 2011 18:58:46 -0800
> Subject: Alexithymia and sexuality
> From: leoni...@bigpond.com
> To: exchang...@googlegroups.com

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[sparx104]

From the "other side":

Sex was enjoyable but not a "driving force" to any degree (this may
just be me tho). Personally I preferred "making out" and, to be
honest, when we had sex (which was every time we met up) there was a
lot of naked making out rather than "actual" sex. I did enjoy it on a
physical level and I certainly enjoyed the fact that I was able to
make her happy and that she enjoyed herself.

I also think that the male drive for sex is somewhat overstated.
Everyone's supposed to be different after all. I know few people who
are overly concerned. I did have problems picking up on whether she
was "ready" to have sex - maybe this is more of a problem wrt to
initiating - just that he's not aware what you want (I have problems
with anyone's intentions to do pretty much anything tho). As @andrea
said, there's no reason for you to not initiate it and enjoy
yourselves :).

Personally, I was much more "interested" in companionship and loving
her (of which her enjoyment of sex was a part), which I guess is why
sex without love or at least feeling strongly seems pretty pointless
to me and I don't have any desire for it - in fact we didn't have sex
until after several dates.

And, since I miss having sex (still single :( ) I guess there maybe is
a drive I'm not too aware of.

There was a point in there somewhere.

[Wendy]

Well I certainly have no interest in sex, never have never will. My husband (also with Alexithymia) has a mild interest.

Wendy

[dsarge]

I am a 47 year old male with strong Alex tendencies and can
categorically state that a lack of sex-drive is NOT a typical Alex
trait. It may not be the emotional rollercoaster that non-Alex's will
experience, but the physical act itself is both sought after and
enjoyable. I suspect your husbands behaviour is related to someting
else.

> > For more options, visit this group athttp://groups.google.com/group/exchange-forum?hl=en.- Hide quoted text -
>
> - Show quoted text -

[Triton]

The Online Alexithymia Questionnaire helpfully clarifies the possible
issue with sex for Alex individuals; it is not the physical sexual act
at it's most simple which is a problem, but the associated emotions
which can be offputting for many Alexs.

Here is what we read about the OAQ, which includes a screening factor
‘Sexual difficulties and disinterest"'. Extensive discussions with
alexithymic adults revealed common experiences of difficulties with
sexual relations and activities, with descriptions of disturbing
bodily sensations (associated with affect) and personal confusion
regarding the sexual expectations and feelings of others (particularly
the emotional expectations of others). Although the individual's
sexual libido may be functioning on a healthy level, the
'pseudophobia' (Krystal 1988) surrounding the emotional component of
sexual intimacy is manifest as a reluctance to indulge in sexual act,
or as a preference for sexual encounters involving low emotional
intensity.

It may be that a person with Alex has no interest in sex in any form,
for reasons completely unrelated to alexithymia. If the disinterest is
a result of alexithymia it is likely to be related to the affective
component of sexual activity alone.

Triton

> > > For more options, visit this group athttp://groups.google.com/group/exchange-forum?hl=en.-Hide quoted text -

[Triton]

To give but one of potentially hundreds of examples of a psychological
issue which can be associated with alexithymia and which can be
responsible for a lack of interest in, or even a fear of sex (for
some), is Posttraumatic stress disorder. For instance, someone may
develop PTSD as a result of sexual abuse or rape. PTSD involves, in
it's diagnostic criteria, the following:

C: Persistent avoidance and emotional numbing

This involves a sufficient level of:

* avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma, such as certain
thoughts or feelings, or talking about the event(s);
* avoidance of behaviors, places, or people that might lead to
distressing memories;
* inability to recall major parts of the trauma(s), or decreased
involvement in significant life activities;
* decreased capacity (down to complete inability) to feel certain
feelings;
* an expectation that one's future will be somehow constrained in
ways not normal to other people.


The numbing refers to Alex. The avoidance refers to a PTSD behaviour.
Of course its all merged but this is how it is classified.

Disinterest in sex may be for completely other reasons, but the above
is one example. Further, we need not necessarily pathologise sexual
disinterest by linking it with a non-Alex disorder..... it may simply
be the result of some trait.

This is all to clarify that being Alex does not preclude sexual
enjoyment.

Triton









On Feb 25, 1:56 am, dsarge <dgsarge...@yahoo.co.uk> wrote:

> > > For more options, visit this group athttp://groups.google.com/group/exchange-forum?hl=en.-Hide quoted text -

[andrea jones]

I have a question for you after reading your post.  I feel more connected emotionally through sex with my Alex husband that I ever have with anyone.  The problem is that he doesn't connect with me emotionally through words.  He tells me he loves me, but doesn't ever really compliment me.  He doesn't like talking about anything related to emotion or feelings.  He gets angry or just avoids it at all cost.  Could sex be his way of connecting emotionally to me?  He won't talk about things, but he is more emotional through sex than anyone I've experienced???
 
> Date: Thu, 24 Feb 2011 07:56:38 -0800
> Subject: Re: Alexithymia and sexuality
> From: dgsar...@yahoo.co.uk
> To: exchang...@googlegroups.com

[Triton]

Hi Andrea,

I have no way of knowing anything about how much, if at all, your
partner is connecting with you emotionally through sex. If he is
connecting emotionally it may be unconsciously (alexithymia by
definition means a lack of awareness about emotions, if indeed they
are significantly present). Alternatively sex may may represent a
primarily physical release for him and may not be so much an emotional
connection for him, even if you personally feel a great emotional
connection with him through sexual closeness. These are two
possibilities based on the general nature of alexithymia- I'm not
suggesting any one of these is the case with you or your husband. And
there may also be other ways of looking at your connection/lack-of.

In the literature there is some suggestions that Alexs may express
(discharge may be a better word?) some emotions in a purely physical
way as an alternative to knowing emotions. But like I said it is
likely to be unconscious if at all. In this case the body and sexual
act may serve as a symbol of the unspoken.

Triton

On Feb 25, 7:49 am, andrea jones <andrea.jones2...@live.com> wrote:
> I have a question for you after reading your post.  I feel more connected emotionally through sex with my Alex husband that I ever have with anyone.  The problem is that he doesn't connect with me emotionally through words.  He tells me he loves me, but doesn't ever really compliment me.  He doesn't like talking about anything related to emotion or feelings.  He gets angry or just avoids it at all cost.  Could sex be his way of connecting emotionally to me?  He won't talk about things, but he is more emotional through sex than anyone I've experienced???
>
> > Date: Thu, 24 Feb 2011 07:56:38 -0800
> > Subject: Re: Alexithymia and sexuality

> > From: dgsarge...@yahoo.co.uk

> > > > For more options, visit this group athttp://groups.google.com/group/exchange-forum?hl=en.-Hide quoted text -

[scienceteacher]

I can totally relate!  I feel most connected through sex with my husband, even though he is never verbal and it is non-emotional.  He never takes his eyes off mine-it's weird, but it is like it is his way of connecting emotionally to my soul and mine his.  He never compliments me either about my physical beauty or accomplishments.  He initiates sometimes, which I am thankful for.  My drive is very high; his not so much.  When we were dating, I thought he put off affection and sex so that he could show respect for me.  Later I realized that was most of it, but the other part was that he may not be driven as much as me so it was easier for him. 

 

I compliment him lots and am very verbal during sex.  I talk about how good the experiences are in and out of the bedrooom too, so I think I have built up his confidence in this area and so he feels comfortable initiating it and trying new things. 

 

My husband is very visual and likes it when I dress in pretty outfits for our intimate times.  It is also a signal to him that I am ready.  I also tell him that I will always be ready and there for him - its a no brainer--just kiss me passionately or touch me anywhere and I'm all his!

 

If it wasn't for this sexual glue, then I don't think we would have made it.  But Christ brought us together and he is faithful to keep us together despite the odds.  He created sex and when it is in His confines, it is a beautiful thing. 

 

Hope that helps!

[Tadesan]

You all are very fortunate to have somehow found physical intimacy
over the barrier of a lack of emotions. My only innate social
motivation is sex. I feel hunger and tiredness, but no productive
social feelings. There must be a difference between a purely
physiological need to procreate, and the desire to be emotionally
intimate. I do not believe that in a truely crippled alexithymic the
physical relationship is a means for emotional engagement. I believe
that the emotional relationship is percieved by normal people who
normally associate a deep emotional relationship with this act. I have
had extremely rewarding sexual experiences with women who never spoke
to me again. I believe that they were satisfied with the sex, but were
unmotivated to continue the relationship due to a lack of general,
true, emotional connection. The sexual part of me is extremely
satisfied by the sex (it may be as close as I will ever come to a true
emotional connection), but my soul is completely unsatisfied. The next
day i long for a relationship, where the woman has no intention.

[DukeTwicep]

Alexis don't have a lack of emotion. Just to make that clear. However,
as Alexithymia is often incorporated into other diagnoses, one might
confuse them with each other. Autistic people and people in the
autistic spectrum do however 'lack' emotions, maybe not entirely.
I believe that if you do not lack emotions but have Alexia, then
feelings are intensified when with someone you like/love, as it's
difficult (or impossible) to experience them on your own. This doesn't
however create a longing for the emotions (but you can however say
that you want it). Then there is of course psychopathy... the
difference between Alexis and those is immense.

Let's see, I read your post again and I'm not really sure I understand
you. You are saying that "I feel hunger and tiredness, but no
productive social feelings.", and then you say "...but my soul is
completely unsatisfied. The next day i long for a relationship..." .
To me these statements contradict each other, unless you don't view
your "longing for a relationship" as a productive social feeling.
What do you mean by "...a truly crippled alexithymic..."? Any
Alexithymic person, without any diagnose that suggest the opposite, do
Have feelings. From Wikipedia: "2. difficulty describing feelings to
other people" - I believe that this difficulty may make it easier to
show your affection/love/emotions through physical means. Read the
sayings on this page http://www.quotegarden.com/action.html , it is
what I also have always believed, and I think other Alexis feel also.
On the topic of talk vs. action. I read in another thread here about
compliments and people reply that they see compliments as lies or
uncomfortable. I do too I guess, but I try to overcome these
'erroneous' thoughts by remembering that other people do need
compliments. Still.. it feels so shallow to compliment others. I
regard manipulation as something highly distasteful. When someone
compliments me, I can't take it as a compliment. I guess I try to be
humble and not see myself as anything greater than I am. I'm not
really shooting for any stars :p. So when someone says, "you're quite
a sharp boy", I may reply with something like, "thanks.. although
there are sharper people". However, if I help someone that asks me to
help and they later express their gratitude, then I feel warm inside.
Maybe it's that the emotional reward, for feeling desired, is so huge
that it shorts out all the negative. No idea, but I doubt that part is
attributed to Alexia.

[Tammy Edwards]

I love reading the entries of all you Alexis--it helps me so much to peer into the brain of my husband.  I long to know him and understand him better.  So when you write, I can identify with so many things you say because he is the same way, only he doesn't have any desire to blog about it or try to put anything into words.  So thank you and keep writing!!!