recently separated.. found out my husband very possibly has alexithymia.

[Sharmaine Hayter]

HI I am new to the board. I have been married 10 yrs to a man 8 yrs younger than myself who has never expressed emotion, very rarely affectionate, rarely intiates intimacy. He would rather fix things around the house or have kids around than be alone with me. He has admitted that. Until rescently i had no idea why but even from dating he wasnt very close.. I assumed that it was a guy thing for the most part and that we would grow closer as time went on... Even on our honeymoon he wasnt overly close or romantic or affectionate . My hurt began very early in the marriage. I am very in tune with my emotions and very commuicative. We had so many times we came close to ending things because of the stress of it, the lack of intimacy, id cry myself to sleep from feeling unwanted and lonely with a man lying beside me so disconnected. I asked him once if he felt close to me during sex or if it was just sex. he relpied just sex i guess. Id often try to talk and hed tune me out or fall asleep and id be even more hurt. He doesnt compliment much at all i always had to ask how i looked before id get "you look nice"  I never got the response i craved for. I tried for 10 yrs to bring otu something in him i felt there had to be more to him than what i saw. But i guess not.   I wish I had of known about alexithymia way back then. It was only until recently when we lput our house up for sale and separated. I almost moved out but the house deal felll thru and i stayed but he is not living with me, that i finallly researched lack of emotion and found this. HE said it describes him to a T.

We have gone to a councellor who has then referred him to a doctor. I have no idea if he will help ( phycologist i believe ) But thing at this point i have fallen out of love . I no longer feel close to him So much hurt, distance, rejection, anger, resentment you name it. i have felt and and i put a wall up so high to keep out the hurt of being ignored etc.. I enjoy lving on my own but part of me just feels like since i know this is what he has. i DO know it. it is totally his personality , that i need to do something .. try to understand or  i dont know. I dont feel i can go my whole life without this emotional closeness , the passion, the intimacy i crave. I am a very sexual person, very affectionate i used to be wtih him or try to be... but just felt let down so many times it stopped. the past 4 yrs id say we have just been living raising our kids with no relatinoshiop between us. I cant bare to live together again and feel that heaviness. Is there hope he can change? OR do i need to be the one to live without what i need and  accept ? or move on  ?  IS it wrong to wonder about an open marriage in this case ? I am really at a loss. Thanks

[JennyLovesAnAlex]

Hi Sharmaine,

Welcome to the forum.  I am so sorry to hear about the painful experience you are going through.  I will try to give you some of my own personal perspective; I feel pretty experienced in relationships, my most recent one having been with an "alex."  It sounds as though you may already be checking out, so I will write this accordingly:  

I would have to agree that it sounds like your husband has alexithymia.  Given this, it will be easy for him to "walk in and out of relationships."  Though this character of the disease may be difficult to hear, it should also release your guilt to act selfishly in your situation.  eg. My ex with alex actually packed up all of my belongings in our apartment, when I was moving out, because he could do this pain-free whereas I would have been having an emotional breakdown!  (He was also happy to do this because he understood that he had caused me much pain.)

So, while you should be taking care of your needs, you also have kids!  In my family's values, kids come first.  Therefore, I would act selfishly but only if it does not hurt the kids.  I would not know how to explain this situation to kids, and this is definitely where I/we/the kids would need to focus therapy, so as not to harm their emotions in the long-term (if they do not have alexithymia?)  

With regards to the open relationship idea, the inevitable will likely happen: you develop feelings for somebody else and then you move on.  I have been in an open relationship, and read a lot about them, and this is a common consequence.  Now, this more gradual transition may be nice for you if you are like me and fall into heavy depressions post break-up.  You'd also have to ask your husband if he would want the same, and if you could handle this.

Anyways, it sounds like you are a "feeler," like me, and that your daily struggles with an alex make life feel less worth living.  Having moved on to men who are feelers, I can tell you that I have shed those nights of lying in bed, lonely, but with an alex at my side.  The only pain I still have is this residual nostalgia for the moments and and words I never was able to share with my ex.  Four months out of my relationship, I am still struggling with the fact that my ex, the alex, could never tell me that he loved me and could never feel empathy for me when I was down.  I am not sure why, but this still saddens me.  I know that I am in the process of moving on though, as the person I am currently dating is incredibly emotionally in tune.  It is wonderful!  

Okay, hope I could be of some help?

Jennifer    

[Julieta Fuentes]

Hi Sharmaine,

 

I am an alex, latin american and catholic.  Having said this, here are my thoughts: 

 

1. One marries for "good or bad, sickness and health, etc."  Alexithymia is something we alexes did not look for; we were born with and/or aquired this condition later in life, but it is not our will or purpose to hurt anyone.  We do not realize it when we do, and even if the other person points out what we did wrong, usually the harm is already done and we are lost as to how to fix it.  When a married person is unfaithful, for instance, there is a willingness to do it.  This is not our case, we behave like this because there is something wrong in our brains or our psique.

 

2.  Could you give him some time for the psy to help him? That is, if he is willing to make changes, hard as they are, in his behavour. This may take even a few years,  but as marriage is a life-long committment, isn´t it worth the try?  If you leave him definitely you will eventually find someone else -who will also have other problems and who is not your kid´s father. 

 

3. The main decision you have to make is whether you can stand this trial period (I mean the therapy that maybe you will both have to attend) and if you will be able to eventually live with him accepting that he is an alex.  There could be improvement in your relationship, but most probably he will never be an emotional person.

 

4. If you do have your husband´s willingness to fight for your marriage, you can be certain that it won´t be easy but you will be both looking for a family goal and you know, God is in your side, so you will all win as a family.

 

God bless you.

 

Rosario

2013/5/26 JennyLovesAnAlex <jennife...@gmail.com>

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[JennyLovesAnAlex]

That is an interesting perspective, and I think also very good advice. Thank you for sharing, Rosario.
Jenny

[Gabe Andersson]

"When a married person is unfaithful, for instance, there is a willingness to do it.  This is not our case, we behave like this because there is something wrong in our brains or our psique."

I'm not sure I fully understand what you are saying here.
First: Are you saying that a person with alexithymia who has sex with another person, than their spouse, isn't willing to have sex with that person? If you are not willing to have sex with someone else, then why are you having sex?

Second: You say that alexithymics behave this way (being unfaithful, i.e. having sex with another person, not their spouse) because there's something wrong with their brains or physique. That sounds more like a lame excuse to get away with being unfaithful; "I'm sorry I was unfaithful dear, but there's something wrong with my brain, I can't help myself". It sounds more like nymphomania to me. I'm sorry if I'm sounding insensitive, but this is just ridiculous. If anything, alexithymics are often extremely loyal. You may get away with blaming your failures on your disorder to yourself, but to others it just sounds dishonest. If you think I'm wrong then point me to where I can read about this phenomena where people with alexithymia are more unfaithful than neurotypical (non-alexithymia) persons, because that is what you are implying.

"This may take even a few years,  but as marriage is a life-long committment ..."

Actually, marriage is often not a life-long commitment, a lot of people get divorced. I may be wrong, but it seems to me that you are trying to guilt trip her.

To Sharmaine:

In my opinion, you could ask your psychologist/therapist for help in deciding what to do. I don't think there are any experts on this subject in this forum, and the advice given here might not apply to your situation. A psychologist who gets to know you both may be better equipped to tell you what's best for you and your children.

And as Jenny says, it's inevitable that you'll develop feelings for others. There's no reason why you should stop living or refrain from seeking happiness. I believe a healthy sex life is important, especially since you say you are a very sexual person (I think most people are). Your emotional needs are even more important.

Gabriel

2013/5/28 Julieta Fuentes <jfuent...@gmail.com>

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[TL A]

Hi Sharmaine (and everyone who is a partner or ex-partner to an Alex)

My relationship with my ex (who is an undiagnosed Alex) ended a year and a half ago. I can relate to everything you've expressed here, and like you, assumed his lack of empathy and ability to communicate could be attributed to his gender. We were together for 5.5 years and I never felt like he understood me, or truly loved me. I too, got the "You look nice" comment (but only after I told him he needed to tell me I looked nice every once in awhile). He simply parroted almost everything I said, and always in this monotone voice. I always felt alone. Even lying beside him at night, or after having sex. I never felt like he truly loved me, and felt NOTHING when he said (in his monotone voice) "I love you". I always knew there was something wrong, and like you--I am a communicator and a feeler who tried to understand his aloof and restricted behavior.
My letter to the forum can be found under the "Support Group for Exes of Alexs".

So, here I am. I am still single. But let me assure you--I do not feel as alone as I did when I was with him. There is nothing worse than being with someone and feeling alienated from/unwanted/betrayed or misunderstood by them. And that's how he made me feel 95% of the time. I am happier and more content being around people who CAN feel and EXPRESS their feelings. It is refreshing and it makes you feel normal again. My ex was an expert in stoicism. He never expressed joy, elation, anger, jealousy, sadness. His opinions were always based on logic and reasoning. He seemed like such a good, upstanding person and his lack of expression made me feel like a pitiful, stressed-out jerk. Once I was around my friends and family, I realized I am actually quite the normal person in this scenario. It'll be the same for you.
I too, would also like to reiterate that (even though you have children together) he has the ability to shut you down and out of his life as if you never existed. It is a trait that is unique to Alexithymia. Don't think for a moment that he is crying or upset at the thought of the end of his marriage...it might be a bit distressing for him for a short period of time, but only because it has interrupted his "regular" routine. If you can accept that this is the type of partner you want, then stay in this relationship.

I am writing to tell you it gets better.
I would NEVER go back to my life with my ex. My life with him became stoic, remote, uninteresting, robotic, unempathetic.
Life is vibrant, fun, unpredictable, sometimes sad and stressful, sometimes wonderful and celebratory...and I'd rather be with someone who can recognize and share all of these things with me.

I wish you courage and strength.
Best wishes,

Tara

On Fri, May 24, 2013 at 9:18 PM, Sharmaine Hayter <rbel...@gmail.com> wrote:

HI I am new to the board. I have been married 10 yrs to a man 8 yrs younger than myself who has never expressed emotion, very rarely affectionate, rarely intiates intimacy. He would rather fix things around the house or have kids around than be alone with me. He has admitted that. Until rescently i had no idea why but even from dating he wasnt very close.. I assumed that it was a guy thing for the most part and that we would grow closer as time went on... Even on our honeymoon he wasnt overly close or romantic or affectionate . My hurt began very early in the marriage. I am very in tune with my emotions and very commuicative. We had so many times we came close to ending things because of the stress of it, the lack of intimacy, id cry myself to sleep from feeling unwanted and lonely with a man lying beside me so disconnected. I asked him once if he felt close to me during sex or if it was just sex. he relpied just sex i guess. Id often try to talk and hed tune me out or fall asleep and id be even more hurt. He doesnt compliment much at all i always had to ask how i looked before id get "you look nice"  I never got the response i craved for. I tried for 10 yrs to bring otu something in him i felt there had to be more to him than what i saw. But i guess not.   I wish I had of known about alexithymia way back then. It was only until recently when we lput our house up for sale and separated. I almost moved out but the house deal felll thru and i stayed but he is not living with me, that i finallly researched lack of emotion and found this. HE said it describes him to a T.

We have gone to a councellor who has then referred him to a doctor. I have no idea if he will help ( phycologist i believe ) But thing at this point i have fallen out of love . I no longer feel close to him So much hurt, distance, rejection, anger, resentment you name it. i have felt and and i put a wall up so high to keep out the hurt of being ignored etc.. I enjoy lving on my own but part of me just feels like since i know this is what he has. i DO know it. it is totally his personality , that i need to do something .. try to understand or  i dont know. I dont feel i can go my whole life without this emotional closeness , the passion, the intimacy i crave. I am a very sexual person, very affectionate i used to be wtih him or try to be... but just felt let down so many times it stopped. the past 4 yrs id say we have just been living raising our kids with no relatinoshiop between us. I cant bare to live together again and feel that heaviness. Is there hope he can change? OR do i need to be the one to live without what i need and  accept ? or move on  ?  IS it wrong to wonder about an open marriage in this case ? I am really at a loss. Thanks

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