Re: in a relationship with an alexithymic man

[Nick Glover]

Hi,  two issues I have with your communication. One, your very much assuming this man is Alexithymia. You say he does not know or admit his condition, but same applies to you.  Second, and worse, your revealing a great deal of information about this Man’s life. To the extent that really concerns me. I hope everyone will pass on your excessive certainty about a clinical condition which cannot be diagnosed informally. Plus revealing so much details about this person which is no way indicative of any particular disorder, let alone Alexithymia.

Really shocked to see this message, does not belong on this group or any public space.

Nick Glover

Psychotherapist. 

On Tue, 1 Oct 2019 at 17:53, Flow <gianluig...@outlook.it> wrote:

Hello everybody,

I'm a guy from Italy. A question for you all...

I'm in a relationship with an alexithymic man, not aware of his condition. I'm pretty sure he is, cause he doesn't recognize his feelings at all, he doesn't want to speak about love or other feelings but he seems very scared of those, he says that when he goes out my flat he doesn't miss me at all for all the following week, he says his life is like made of different sectors (the one for friends, the one for parents/relatives, the one for me, the one for work/collegues, etc), in wich one of them he is a quite different person and acts way differently (he says that he thinks to also change his voice). He works 8-10 hours a day, has a sex addiction (many different sexual partners in different days), and movement/activities addiction (many sports, many interests, many friends, dance, travel, food and wine, theater, parties, ecc): he says his strategy has always been to fill up his time with activity, just to never be alone.  

No one in his life (nor parents or relatives, nor one single friend of him) knows that he's gay. He doesn't want to send/receive text or calles from me, sayng that he doesn't like 

"mawkish stuff", only practical communications. So we can meet only one time a week in my flat, but he always leaves in the evening, never sleeps here saying "it's impossible!!". There seem to be a total impossibility of movement, processing and change in his life. One year after the other, built in the same way, work, one activity after the other, all time full, no progress or evolution..

We've recently been a week together by the seaside (he said to his relatives that he was going "with friends"), going all very well, even talking about many topics, even feelings, his life, the opportunity of coming out, etc (at first he was suffering about this, the last days he was accepting it and - seems to me - almost like it). Along our way back (6 hours in the car) he just listed out all the activities he was planning for the year (almost in a little bit sadic way, knowing that I am exclusing from those), and he said that the vacation was good, but now it's time to just turn the page, no mourning, no melancholy, no sadness, just efficiency. He use to say that I'm the wrong one,that I'm too introspective, I think way too much about questions, that there is no need to worry, that I shouldn't think about him during the week, that most of my thoughts about him and our "love story" is just "illusion".

Now we're back to normal life (we headed back from the seaside about 10 days ago). Everything went back to the usual way (his activities, his many lovers, the same routine with his unaware family etc.). 

I do love him because he is very sweet when he's with me, but then he goes out, turns the page and I'm alone again for all the week....

Do someone has some advice for me? What should I do now? How should I behave? How can I make him aware about his condition? Worth the try or not to do that?

Sorry for my basic english and thank you for your kind replies!!!

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[Regan Dow]

Leave him. Regardless of what is the matter with him, he does not treat you well. Get yourself some therapy to find out why you would even think about spending time with someone who doesn't care enough. There are better men out there who will treat you better.

[Regan Dow]

Nick,

Your response was unkind. The only revealing detail is that this guy is from Italy- if nobody knows the other guy is gay then nobody will know who is being discussed. Of course you can't tell if this guy has Alexithymia but you never even asked for more information. I thought you're supposed to be sharing info on Alexithymia, not lecturing people. Why not send the guy the TAS-20 so he has an idea what the diagnostic criteria are- or are you the only authority on Alexithymia?

Mary

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[mollie warren]

Mary your response was perfect .

The purpose ofthe group is to support and share information ,not to judge and lecture 

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[Regan Dow]

Thanks Mollie,

Regardless of whether there is any Alexithymia involved, I think we should be kind to everyone. This group does not have many discussions, so why not try to encourage some, instead of discouraging them all?

I'd like to hear from other people who feel physical sensations of feelings without knowing why. My coping strategy is to list all possible things that could be upsetting me, and picking the most likely and just going with it. Any other ideas?

Mary.

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[mollie warren]

I agree Mary ,

What we would like from group members is suggestions or tips on how to cope and how to live with these conditions .

My husband and I have been together for 31 years and even though we have had some pretty difficult years ,we still want to learn and understand about the condition 

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[Regan Dow]

I think the hardest part for me was not knowing what was wrong and why I struggled with society in general. I'm a person with Autism and Alexithymia- the Autism was diagnosed first, and there's a ton of material out there for coping with Autism. I find with Autism (I have a 19 year old son with Autism too- he was diagnosed  before I was).it's trial and error- what works for one person with Autism/Aspergers won't always work for others. For Alexithymia, I've just found a psychologist/psychotherapist that specializes in Autism so I'm going to discuss the Alexithymia with her soon- will let you know what she says- she should at least have some advice for dealing with the condition.

Mary.

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[Sarah A]

I don't see what you find wrong with the original message by the Italian guy, on the contrary I find it very eye-opening and informative. The guy sounds like he is exactly describing my son and I am very worried about my son. What I am most worried about is that he doesn't seem to feel (or at least express) any emotions, especially he says that he never misses me and if he doesn't see me for a long time he doesn't miss me or think very much about me. He lives a hermit's life, he doesn't see anyone, has no friends, doesn't go out or see anyone and is always alone. And most especially he seems to like living this way. I don't mind that he is a quiet homebody but it bothered me that he seemed so distant and not affectionate, for example he doesn't want me to hug him or kiss him or take care of him in any way. He doesn't like to talk about any aspect of his life except his activities like his studies, he studies online so he doesn't see anyone. But he never expresses what he feels about anything or even his opinions.

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