Tips for dating someone with alexithymia?

[Edward]

Last week I was introduced to the idea of alexithymia. And, wow... having done a lot of reading about it since then, I'm convinced my girlfriend has it. (Also, reading about it has helped me understand her a lot better... or at least, helped me understand how little I actually understand her!)

Now, the question becomes... what can I do on my end to help "a Feeler dating an Alex" situation go smoother? (Complicating things even more, I have a bipolar disorder that's only partially managed. So I'm not just a Feeler, I'm *such* a Feeler!)

Anyone here able to give any tips about what to do from personal experience? Also, anybody know any websites, articles or books with advice for lovers and other intimates of people with alexithymia?

(For that matter, any good books that cover alexithymia? I read "Emotionally Dumb," which was super helpful! But I've had trouble finding much else.)

Thank you!

Edward

[wildtalents]

You might consider not labelling her, or anyone else, "an Alex", at least until you've actually talked to her about it? While some of the people on this forum seem to like to have this convenient label she might not. The only advice I would offer is to narrow the palette of "feeling words" that you use to maybe a few basic colours, which she'll probably understand better, if not identify with: anger, sadness, happiness, disgust. Try to avoid the more nuanced stuff.

[Nyarlathotep]

Go what wildtalents said avoid labeling, medical lingo, treat her like any other human being if she has alexithymic traits. Don't dehumanize her know what you and her want out of your relationship.

I'd suggest  waiting for a professional's opinion on this matter if that is possible.

[Edward]

I apologize for the use of "Alex." I was introduced to it (and the term "Feeler," which I found I strongly identify with) from reading a number of posts in the group. It's not my intention to label anyone, and I'll just abstain from using it at all in the future

"The only advice I would offer is to narrow the palette of "feeling words" that you use to maybe a few basic colours, which she'll probably understand better, if not identify with: anger, sadness, happiness, disgust. Try to avoid the more nuanced stuff."

Thank you wildtalents! I've added that to my notebook. (Going to be an interesting challenge, because I'm both a very emotion-oriented person... and a professional writer. So I usually think in terms of synonyms and metaphor.)

"Go what wildtalents said avoid labeling, medical lingo, treat her like any other human being if she has alexithymic traits. Don't dehumanize her know what you and her want out of your relationship. I'd suggest  waiting for a professional's opinion on this matter if that is possible."

Thank you Nyarlathotep! I definitely won't dehumanize her or treat her differently than other people, one way or the other. Establishing what we both want out of the relationship is definitely a good tip.

She took the online alexithymia questionnaire and scored very highly on it, but I'm hoping she'll actually get a professional opinion at some point. (Even if she doesn't actually qualify as having alexithymia, she's got enough difficulty figuring out her emotions, expressing them, and interpreting other people's emotions that me reading up on the personality trait and applying some of the tips I've found has already helped our interactions run more smoothly, and has helped me understand her better... or at least, helped me understand how little I understand her.)

If anyone else has tips, I'd love to hear them! (More than just getting assistance for my situation, I'm hoping this thread can accumulate enough advice that it'll prove useful to people joining the group in the future. The same way reading some of the past threads have been useful for me.)

[CalebC]

Since it has been brought up so far, I figured I'd toss my opinion into the labels discussion.  In general 'alex' and 'feeler' aren't derogitory and are simply meant to me shorthand.  The big caveat is that they shouldn't be used or applied to someone unless they are ok with it.  Some people that act like alexes may not be or may be resistant to the idea that they are different or that they have alexithymia.  I would've said that the first thing to do is to share the information with your SO to see if they are interested in learning more and see if they do have alex.  I say would've because it seems you have already done this.

If you are both new to this, it is a good idea to read up on it as much as you can.  A good book for general overview/introduction is Emotionally Dumb (http://www.amazon.com/Emotionally-Dumb-An-Overview-Alexithymia-ebook/dp/B0038VZJ9U).  Hopefully, as the two of you read up on it, she will be able to identify how she handles things and the best way you can help communicate.

This may or may not apply: when describing your emotions, try to use more basic words (already said) and try to express the reason for your feelings.  Even if someone can't put a name to the nuance of feelings, understanding the context of the feeling can clarify what "angry" or "sad" mean.

This also may not apply: Emotions help people to read, process, and act in new situations quickly all subconsciously.  Since alexes can't do that, they must read and process new situations consciously, which is harder and slower.  For me, this means that trying new situations or being around new groups of people takes a lot out of me and can be very daunting.  It may be that there are things she keeps going back to doing (recharging) and things she is hesitant to do (outside the bubble).

Ultimately, working together to understand what alex means to her will give you the best idea of how you can be there for her.  As for you (and all other SOs of alexes), make sure you have a support group outside this relationship.  Alexes bring a lot to the relationship, but generally struggle with contributing emotionally to the relationship.  Spending time with family and friends that you can emotionally interact with normally will allow you to meet that need for you so that your SO doesn't need to.  

Hope this helps.

[kurokawa8]

I personally find the most presumptious, insulting, and invasive thing a person can do is presume I am having an emotion or an emotional reaction. 

The most insulting and demeaning experience is when people react to me as if I was supplying an emotional cue.  I find it alarming my body may actually be expressing an emotional reaction I'm completely unaware of so that I feel out of control of myself and vulnerable, or that the person is deliberately presuming emotional communication to a) resentfully underscore my lack of capacity and b) dismissively fill in the blanks like someone who constantly finishes the words and ideas of a person with a stutter.

On the other hand it would be nice if I had a loved one and that they were kind enough to give me gentle feedback about emotional/physical cues I was giving that I'm completely missing if only to help me to strategize dealing with others better or to help me be less vulnerable.

[Fawn No]

OMG, Kurokawa, I can *totally* relate to this.
In fact the biggest arguments with my last ex were over him interpreting I had emotional reactions and telling me off for them when he knows I'm not aware of them and thus can't control them. I felt it was highly manipulative of him tbh. Sometimes my tone of voice changes and I both don't notice nor know why. He'd say I'm being rude or angry and I'm trying to be logical with my response but hes so busy listening to a tone of voice (which I can't tell if its really there or if hes making it up) that he refuses to let me speak!!!
Hate that. =/

It's also, like you said, alarming the body is displaying something you might not even mentally agree with. I know feelers will get conflicting feelings, like jealousy but mentally they're not jealous or something. But it's so much worse when you're not even 'feeling' one, your body is just showing it. We have almost no chance of combating it.

Also I love that correlation to the person with a stutter, I might have to use that example if I have this situation with a feeler again, maybe they'll be more aware. I honestly feel I'm blamed most of the time for this condition. 

[Sarah A]

I would like some tips also about how to act with my teenage son. People tell me he is just being a rebellious teenager but I know it's not that. First off he's not rebellious, on the contrary he always follows the rules and never talks back to anyone. But he moved out because he said he wants to live alone. He says he doesn't miss me or his brother or our home or our family life or our home life. He says when he is with us he feels ok but when he is not with us he feels ok too, he doesn't miss us or want to come back home. I ask him if he loves me and he says yes but he doesn't ACT loving, he doesn't want me to kiss him or hug him or do motherly things for him like cook for him. He has no friends and he studies online so he never sees other people, and he says he is happy living that way. Our conversations are always solely about the things he is doing, his schoolwork and his studies, his computer games, the TV programmes he likes to watch. He never tells me how he feels about anything and he doesn't even seem to have opinions about anything.