Introducing myself

[amylacc]

I have always been aware that there is something "not right" about
me. Over the years I have wondered if I maybe had Asberger's but I do
not fit all of the criteria. Just today while doing some online
research I found the term alexithymia and it appears to describe me to
a T.

Being unable to express myself generally and unable to express my
emotions very effectively has certainly affected my relationships and
my career. People always seem to ask me why they cannot tell what I
am thinking or feeling and when asked what I am thinking or feeling I
freeze up. I do not seem to have as much trouble writing things down
as I do expressing it verbally. For the longest time I have felt like
an alien among humans. I don't "get" emotions and yet, occasionally I
find myself in an inarticulate rage over some frustration, usually
with a computer or some such. I realize that those rages are probably
just all those unexpressed emotions coming out. I am deeply afraid of
making people (especially my boyfriend) mad at me, so I usually say
okay to things I really do not want to do (dinner with his mom again?)
instead of telling him I don't feel like doing that.

I am hoping to find some advice or coping skills that I can practice.
Probably because of this problem I have found traditional talk therapy
to be ineffective, if not utterly useless.

Amy

[kurokawa8]

Hiya Amy,
Welcome to the group.

I tend to write big long posts, spend a long time editing, and then
just deleting them. If i actually hit send on everything I wrote i
bet I would crash google! But anyhow i'll just leave it up there this
time.

I experience rage and anxiety, but never resolved. I never feel like
"whew I'm glad I got that off my chest-I feel a hundred pounds
lighter". It just kind of peters out and the right sides of my head
and abdomen start to throb with pain. For the rest of the day I'm
irritable, overstimulated, and hypersensitive. My eyes sting, my
throat hurts, I seek retreat.

I'm not 100% sure I fit into the alexithymia bag although i have all
the symptoms. It might just be that I am emotionally stunted from
early childhood trauma.

The best I've found in dealing with rage and anxiety is to
a) use cognitive behavioral therapy to work on my perceptions and
attitude in order to not to initiate my own negative arousal states or
to make them worse.
b) use techniques of somatic experiencing therapy; emulate animals.
Discharge stress and anxiety on the fly by engaging the environment.
That is, look around like a squirrel, take everything in, smell, feel,
listen. Be curious. explore textures, uncover lids, look behind
objects. Discharge that emotional arousal with physical investigative
energy because the emotional discharge is malfunctional. Theres a
thread or two on SE therapy in our group.
c) retreat, retreat, retreat. Just avoid everything and everybody.
Thats a healthy thing for a traumatized person.

FWIW

There's some really great threads to read. Feel free to resurrect any
of them if you have questions or a new take or whatever. I think
google disallows posting after 30 days so you would need to start a
new thread on the same topic if it's locked.

There's an online questionnaire to test yourself. The link in the
Pages section appears to be dead. Here's another one: http://oaq.blogspot.com/
Triton if you're reading this perhaps you can update the link?

Thanks again for joining Amy. I hope you find some answers.
Kuro

[sparx104]

Hi Amy,

Like Kuro here I also spend a long time writing and editing big posts,
but I do actually post them (not sure that's always a good thing)...

Unfortunately I'm pretty much in the dark about my "emotional states"
so can't really offer much help there (and I don't recommend the way I
"cope"...)

I find writing stuff down to have some effect (not sure *what* effect
but anyway...) - normal "talking therapies" don't seem to work though
- I guess I just don't have any answers to the questions.

Here's an interactive version of the questionnaire:
http://www.sparx104.co.uk/index.php?p=alextest

And one for Aspergers/Autism:
http://www.sparx104.co.uk/index.php?p=aqtest

I hope you can find something to help here.
Chris

==
The interactive test above is pretty popular it would seem from my
site traffic logs. A lot of people appear to search Google for
"alexithymia"...

[Len]

Amy
I have just joined the group after doing a search using keywords. I am
also hoping to find a bit of direction and insight on ways to over
come this. I am concerned though that having found a terminolgy or
condition that seems to describe what is comsuming me, I have now
grabbed hold of it and labled myself. I too try an avoid confrontation
just to keep the peace and then get angry with myself after for not
speaking my mind. Its almost as if you want to "protect" that person
from harm in saying something you will reget later. Things said
without thinking or said in the wrong way can be, and does seem to be
with me more often than not, a massive problem when acutally what i
really wanted to say just does not come out right. It might sound
silly, and I am no expert as have just recently found the condition,
but i have started to say in a mirror the type of "feeling words" that
i find difficult in expressing. This is for myself and have not been
in a postion as yet to put into practice but hope that its partly due
to a confidence thing. Len