Assalamu Alaikum,
chenla...@yahoo.com
I remember myself being I guess only 9 or 10 years old when I had for
the first time those 'terrible' attractions for same sex. I could
never
explain to myself to the end what was that at that time, neither I was
able to define that or label myself as a 'gay' person.
At my 14 I started doing salat regularly. My faith on Him was sincere
but I just couldnt cope with the idea that I'm the only one DIFFERENT
in the whole world. All I wanted at that time was to have someone know
the pain I was going through.
3 or four years after i stopped doing salat, not because I lost my
faith on Allah (I never did) but I simply couldnt put together
my 'satanic' feelings with Islam. They seemed so far away from each
other at that time for me.
Later on when I started using internet i came across 'gay muslim'
sites
such as Queer Jihad. Though I was astonished at the begining with the
idea that there are other muslims who are just like me I got
dissapointed very soon. There wasnt so much Islamic in these sites. At
that time i did not meet any struggling person live. I startet at that
time Gay BUt Muslim yahoo group.
And than I came to meet person after person, but not engaging myself
into any sexual contact with anyone. But when u start such a life its
obvious that sexual relationships will come for sure. After some time
when I was 24 I had a sexual relationship with a man for the first
time. And after that i felt terrible. The very next day, actually only
few hours after i tried commiting suicide. I took more than 100
sleeping pills. I was told that if my sister wouldnt find me half an
hour later I would be dead but that was not Allah's wish. ONly few
from
my 'gay' friends knew the reall reason. My family didn't. My gay
friends blamed me for that but I never regreted for what I did.
Somehow
I did that for God because i broke my promose for not engaging myself
into man 2 man sexual relationship.
It is difficult to start it for the first time. Second time, third and
so on is much easier. After two or three years I found myself in the
middle of a terrible life, being in depresion, thinking continuously
to
commit suicide again, not seing anything good in my life. I was
desperate. My pain was terrible. I was never satisfied with the life I
had.
THan I started again doing salat. First only one or two times during
the day. And than last year, the Ramadan came and i started with 5
times salat and continued ever since up to day, elhamdulilah. SO there
is more htan year now that I did not met any 'gay' person and managed
to have a power upon myself. Some time before last Ramadan, exactly at
the time when i started doing salat i prayed to Allah fervently to
help
me find a spouse and to ease my problems and obstacles I may face even
i find someone. I had everything, good job, good salary, everything
and
the pressin from my family and others for not marrying yet was
significant (I was 28). I dont know why I prayed. I felt nothing for
woman. But I knew and I know that ALlah is almighty and he can do
anything. I prayed so hard at that time to find a spouse within one
year period from that time (lol dont laugh, i dont know why 'one
year',
i guess i was affraid i am geting old). About six or seven months
later
i came to meet a young lady and things went so miraculously with her
that I couldnt even imagine earlier. :( Elhamdulilah. Everything was
so
good. SHe loved me, we had a lot of things in common. Even I started
to
like and love her personality. I was affraid to think that this was an
answer to my prayers. It was so obvious :(. ALlah is great. But one
problem remained. I never felt sexually attracted to woman. It would
be
terrible if after nikah i wouldnt be able to have sex with her. But
psycologicaly i preparet her for that. I had problems at the begining,
but after few times things improved. Now I am in that procces of
improvig in this matter. Again it was obvious God's hand in all this.
It was as much obvious that i was affraid to think that it is
happening
for real. I did not deserve ALlah to help me though He is Great, MOst
Merciful.
Many times in our lives we suffer from the ignority. We go into
depresion for stupid things: am i going to pass the exam, am i going
to
find a job and in my case: WILL I GOING TO BE 'NORMAL' FIND A SPOUSE
AND JUST BE LIKE ANYBODY ELSE, BE ABLE TO WORSHIP ALLAH. Many times we
forget that Allah is greater than our problems. "Seek help with
patientness and salat" He said and His Word became true in my case,
not
only this time but always during my life. We just have to be more
patient.
I just had a need to share this with u, I have so many other things to
say but this is enough for now. May Allah be with all u. I understand
the pain people like us go through. But dont forget there are people
who understand u. There are brothers who know how it feels and above
all THERE IS A GOD, WHO CAN DO EVERYTHING AND WHO KNOWS MUCH BETTER
HOW
IT IS AND WHO CAN HELP U IF U ARE ABLE TO SUBMIT URSELF TO HIM. He is
Great. Allahu Akbar. He is so merciful.
Assalamu alaikum
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/EX-GAY_MUSLIMS/
Fation
Durres - ALBANIA.