Jokes on lawyers

[David Mcintyre]

Has anyone got jokes on lawyers.

[Gary R. Anderson]

mcin...@cc.cit.ac.nz (David Mcintyre) wrote:

>Has anyone got jokes on lawyers.

Ya, here you go...

Q. What's the difference between a prostitute and a lawyer?
A. The prostitute will stop fucking you after you're dead.

Q. What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A. One's a bottom dwelling scum eater, and the other's a fish.

Q. What can a duck do that a lawyer won't do?
A. Stick his bill up his ass.

Q. What does a lawyer use for birth control?
A. His personality.

Q. What does ABA really stand for?
A. American Bloodsuckers Association.

Q. In court, what separates the police from the most disgusting
form of life on earth?
A. The partition around the witness stand.

Q. What are the three most commonly questions asked by a lawyer?
A. 1. How much money do you have?
2. Where can you get more?
3. Do you have anything you can sell?

Q. What is the difference between a dead lawyer in the road and a
dead dog in the road?
A. The dog has skid marks in front of it.

Q. What s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW with two
lawyers in it?
A. The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Q. What does a lawyer use for a contraceptive?
A. His personality.

Q. What was the most tragic part of the Waco disaster?
A. The lawyers survived.

Q. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. How many can you afford?

Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q. What can a goose do that a duck can t do and that a lawyer
won’t do?
A. Stick his bill up his ass.

Q. Did you hear about the honest lawyer?
A. Neither did anybody else.

Q. You are in a room with Mussolini, Hitler, and the lawyer of
your choice. You have a gun, but only two bullets. Who do you shoot?
A. The lawyer. Twice. Then pistol whip the son of a bitch until
you’re sure he s dead.

Q. Why should lawyers always be buried face down?
A. If they wake up, they start digging.
Q. While driving down a desert highway, you see Saddam Hussein
on one side of the road, and a lawyer on the other. Who do you hit
first?
A. Hussein. Business before pleasure.

Q. What is the difference between a pothole and a lawyer?
A. You would swerve to miss a pothole.

Q. What s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. Vampires only suck blood at night.

Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A. They lawyer gets frequent flier points.

Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a sucker fish?
A. One s a bottom dwelling slime eater and the other is a fish.

Q. Why don t sharks attack lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy.

Q. If you help someone break the law before he is arrested, you
are an accomplice. If a helps someone break the law after the
criminal gets arrested, what is he called?
A. A lawyer.

Q. What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their
necks in shit?
A. Not enough shit.

Q. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A. Your honor.

Q. How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A. You can t get your finger between the noose and his neck.

Q. How can you tell that an attorney is about to lie?
A. His lips begin to move.

Q. The tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an expensive, dishonest
lawyer are in the same room. There is a $500 bill on a table in the
room. When they leave, the money is gone. Who took It?
A. Since there is no such thing as the tooth fairy or an honest
lawyer, the answer is obvious.

Q. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could
only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Q. Why do male lawyers always wear ties?
A. To hold back their foreskins

Q. Why does Washington DC have so many lawyers & New Jersey so
many toxic waste dumps?
A. New Jersey got first choice.

Q. What do you get when you send the Godfather to law school?
A. Someone who makes you an offer you can't understand.

Q. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. How many can you afford?

What do you call 20 parachuting lawyers?
Skeet

What is the difference bewteen a porcupine and a mercedes full of
attorneys?
The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
A. They both have a one in a million chance of becoming human!

The Atomic Mushroom...........

The Atomic Mushroom
Wine Tasting and Computer Programming