My favourite limerick
Hans Huttel
There was an old man from St. Bees
Who was stung in the arm by a wasp
When asked: "Does it hurt ?"
He replied: "No, it doesn't,
I'm so glad it wasn't a hornet"
[ Incredible, no ? ]
--
Hans H\"{u}ttel, Office 1603 JANET: ha...@uk.ac.ed.lfcs
Lab. for Foundations of Comp. Sci. UUCP: ..!mcvax!ukc!lfcs!hans
JCMB, University of Edinburgh ARPA: hans%lfcs.e...@nsfnet-relay.ac.uk
Edinburgh EH9 3JZ, SCOTLAND This is _not_ a clever quote from a song.
Cees Keyer
A another one,
There was a lady called Bright
She could travel faster than light
She went out one day
in a relative way
and came back the previous night.
I read this some where in a popular sceintific booklet about
Zweistein.
Cees.
--
I am more up and down than a pair of kangaroos in the mating season
Kryton Red Dwarf
Cees Keyer, Algemene Hogeschool Amsterdam. | fax: (+31) 20-6443215
department of electrical engineering. | phone (+31) 20-6429333
Email: ce...@maestro.htsa.aha.nl ce...@tamtam.htsa.aha.nl
Snail: AHA-TMF, Europaboulevard 23, 1079 PC Amsterdam, The Netherlands.
J. Horsmeier
>
>There was an old man from St. Bees
>Who was stung in the arm by a wasp
>When asked: "Does it hurt ?"
>He replied: "No, it doesn't,
>I'm so glad it wasn't a hornet"
>
>Hans H\"{u}ttel, Office 1603 JANET: ha...@uk.ac.ed.lfcs
>Lab. for Foundations of Comp. Sci. UUCP: ..!mcvax!ukc!lfcs!hans
>JCMB, University of Edinburgh ARPA: hans%lfcs.e...@nsfnet-relay.ac.uk
>Edinburgh EH9 3JZ, SCOTLAND This is _not_ a clever quote from a song.
Take this one:
There once was a poet called Anny
Her limericks weren't worth a penny
Though the technique was sound
Always she found
That whenever she wrote any
She always wrote one line too many
Jos
+----------------------------------------------------------------------+
|O J.A. Horsmeier AND Software B.V. phone : +31 10 4367100 O|
|O Westersingel 106/108 fax : +31 10 4367110 O|
|O 3015 LD Rotterdam NL e-mail: j...@and.nl O|
|O--------------------------------------------------------------------O|
|O I am a Hamburger (F. Zappa 1974) O|
+----------------------------------------------------------------------+
Hans Huttel
There was a young man from Peru
Whose limericks stopped at line two
Bob Gray
>There was a young man from Peru
>Whose limericks stopped at line two
There was a young man from verdun.
Bob.
Mike Quinn
>[ I think I first saw this in "Metamagical Themas" by Douglas Hofstadter ]
>There was an old man from St. Bees
If he came from St. Bees, the last word you would use to rhyme would be bee.
>Who was stung in the arm by a wasp
>When asked: "Does it hurt ?"
>He replied: "No, it doesn't,
>I'm so glad it wasn't a hornet"
Actually this last line is better than than the scatalogical original:
There was a young man from Dundee,
Who was stung on the arm by a wasp.
When asked: "Does it hurt ?"
He replied: "No, not at all,
It can do it again if it likes!"
>[ Incredible, no ? ]
Well, -1 and +1 still gives 0 -> well above the standard eunet.jokes :-)
Mike Quinn. Abekas Video Systems Ltd. Reading. United Kingdom.
net: mi...@abekrd.co.uk UUCP: ...!uunet!mcsun!ukc!abekrd!mike
He is BOB, eager for fun. He wears a smile, everybody run.
Bruce Stedman (Hagar)
>
>Take this one:
>
>
> There once was a poet called Anny
> Her limericks weren't worth a penny
> Though the technique was sound
> Always she found
> That whenever she wrote any
> She always wrote one line too many
>
>
>Jos
Here's my favourite, in my .signature:
BJS
--
------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a young man from Torquay,
whose limericks didn't rhyme.
They didn't go to-gether very well either,
Bruce Stedman (Hagar)
>
>Here's my favourite, in my .signature:
>
>BJS
>--
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>There was a young man from Torquay,
>whose limericks didn't rhyme.
>They didn't go to-gether very well either,
Sorry, Pnews chopped a line off my .signature, and trn won't let me
cancel my article cos it thinks it belongs to someone else.
Teach me to have multiple siggy's won't it!
Here it is again:
##########################################################
# There was a young man from Torquay, #
# whose limericks didn't rhyme. #
# They didn't go to-gether very well either, #
# and they had the wrong number of lines as-well. #
##########################################################
BJS
--
------------------------------------------------------------------------
In days of old, when knights were bold, and scumbags weren't invented,
they'd tie a sock around the cock, and babies were prevented.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Steve McGowan
There was a young man from Kentuckett,
whose cock was so long he could suck it.
Said he with a grin,
wiping spunk off his chin,
"If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it"
Tony Mountifield
> Take this one:
> [.....]
> She always wrote one line too many
Or this one:
There once was a man from Japan,
Whose poetry never would scan,
When asked why this was,
He said, "It's because
I try to fit as many words into the last line as I possibly can!"
--
Tony Mountifield. | Microware Systems (UK) Ltd.
MAIL: to...@mwuk.uucp | Leylands Farm, Nobs Crook,
INET: tony%mwuk...@ukc.ac.uk | Colden Common, WINCHESTER, SO21 1TH.
UUCP: ...!mcsun!ukc!mwuk!tony | Tel: 0703 601990 Fax: 0703 601991
**** OS-9, OS-9000 Real Time Systems **** MS-DOS - just say "No!" ****
Christian Taube
Who couldn't get his limericks to sound right
When asked why not,
He said that he thought
They were probably too long and badly structured as well as
not very funny.
Cheers, Chris.
--
----- Christian Taube (ta...@isa.de), ISA GmbH, 7000 Stuttgart 1, Germany -----
------------ !! Any opinions expressed are mine, and mine only. !! ------------
------------- "Every decoding is another encoding." (Morris Zapp) -------------
Chris A Evans
>Take this one:
> There once was a poet called Anny
> Her limericks weren't worth a penny
> Though the technique was sound
> Always she found
> That whenever she wrote any
> She always wrote one line too many
>Jos
>+----------------------------------------------------------------------+
>|O J.A. Horsmeier AND Software B.V. phone : +31 10 4367100 O|
>|O Westersingel 106/108 fax : +31 10 4367110 O|
>|O 3015 LD Rotterdam NL e-mail: j...@and.nl O|
>|O--------------------------------------------------------------------O|
>|O I am a Hamburger (F. Zappa 1974) O|
>+----------------------------------------------------------------------+
The original was as follows:
A very sad poet was Jenny
Her limericks weren't worth a penny
In technique they were sound
Yet somehow she found
Whenever she tried to write any
She always wrote one line too many
This WAS in D.Hofstadter's Metamagical Themas.
Here's a sequel...
A very sad poet Miranda
Found it hard to finish a stanza
Somehow they'd tend
To come to an end...
Logic Programming Group,
Chris Evans Department of Computing,
Imperial College,
Telephone: +44 71-589-5111 ext.4992 London.
FAX: +44 71-589-1552 SW7 2BZ
ENGLAND
EMAIL (Janet): c...@uk.ac.ic.doc
--
Logic Programming Group,
Chris Evans Department of Computing,
Imperial College,
Telephone: +44 71-589-5111 ext.4992 London.
J. Horsmeier
>>Take this one:
>> She always wrote one line too many
>
>A very sad poet was Jenny
>Her limericks weren't worth a penny
>In technique they were sound
>Yet somehow she found
>Whenever she tried to write any
>She always wrote one line too many
>
>This WAS in D.Hofstadter's Metamagical Themas.
That's where I've read it!
>Here's a sequel...
>
>A very sad poet Miranda
>Found it hard to finish a stanza
>Somehow they'd tend
>To come to an end...
Hey Chris,
Yep, you're right. I couldn't remember where the thing came from.
You have a good memory. I got some other very silly replies. (I like them 8^)
Maybe we should vote for `alt.non.limerick' or something.
Now that we have a one liner, a two liner, a four liner, (not a five liner),
a six liner. Anyone for a three liner, seven, zero anyone?
There once was a guy from Peru,
His limericks ended at line two.
There once was a guy (lady?) from Verdun.
Jos (the Lazy Limerick Lover)
+----------------------------------------------------------------------+
|O J.A. Horsmeier AND Software B.V. phone : +31 10 4367100 O|
|O Westersingel 106/108 fax : +31 10 4367110 O|
|O 3015 LD Rotterdam NL e-mail: j...@and.nl O|
|O--------------------------------------------------------------------O|
|O Ich bin ein Berliner (J.F. Kennedy 1962) O|
Bob Gray
>a six liner. Anyone for a three liner, seven, zero anyone?
> There once was a guy from Peru,
> His limericks ended at line two.
> There once was a guy (lady?) from Verdun.
Having contributed the one line one earlier, let me better
it by.
...... from corgaff.
Bob.
Mark Dobie
>j...@and.nl (J. Horsmeier) writes:
>> There once was a guy from Peru,
>> His limericks ended at line two.
>> There once was a guy (lady?) from Verdun.
>Having contributed the one line one earlier, let me better
>it by.
> ...... from corgaff.
Or we could go the other way...
There was a young man from Tyree,
Whose limericks stopped at line three,
So just when you thought...
Mark.
--
Mark Dobie M.D...@uk.ac.soton.ecs (JANET)
University of Southampton M.D...@ecs.soton.ac.uk (Bitnet)
J. Horsmeier
>Or we could go the other way...
> Mark.
>
Hi all, thanx for the (non)limericks. this is the score 'till now (summary):
From: to...@mwuk.UUCP (Tony Mountifield)
There once was a man from Japan,
Whose poetry never would scan,
When asked why this was,
He said, "It's because
I try to fit as many words into the last line as I possibly can!"
From: c...@doc.ic.ac.uk (Chris A Evans) D. Hofstadter:
A very sad poet was Jenny
Her limericks weren't worth a penny
In technique they were sound
Yet somehow she found
Whenever she tried to write any
She always wrote one line too many
A very sad poet Miranda
Found it hard to finish a stanza
Somehow they'd tend
To come to an end...
From: bj_s...@g2.brispoly.ac.uk (Bruce Stedman (Hagar))
There was a young man from Torquay,
whose limericks didn't rhyme.
They didn't go to-gether very well either,
and they had the wrong number of lines as-well.
From: ta...@isaak.isa.de (Christian Taube)
There was a young man from Lyme
Who couldn't get his limericks to sound right
When asked why not,
He said that he thought
They were probably too long and badly structured as well as
not very funny.
From: m...@ecs.soton.ac.uk (Mark Dobie)
There was a young man from Tyree,
Whose limericks stopped at line three,
So just when you thought...
From: ??? (sorry forgot, couldn't find it anymore :-)
There once was a guy from Peru
His limericks stopped at line two.
From: b...@castle.ed.ac.uk (Bob Gray)
There once was a guy (lady?) from Verdun.
alt: ...... from corgaff.
Anyone for a seven liner, six and a half? send me all your favourite
zero liners! Maybe we could change to japanese Hai Ku's
(17 syllables, no more no less, well ...)
Jos
ps
Sorry for the ones I forgot =8^)
+----------------------------------------------------------------------+
|O J.A. Horsmeier AND Software B.V. phone : +31 10 4367100 O|
|O Westersingel 106/108 fax : +31 10 4367110 O|
|O 3015 LD Rotterdam NL e-mail: j...@and.nl O|
|O--------------------------------------------------------------------O|
Dave Langstaff
>
>Anyone for a seven liner, six and a half? send me all your favourite
>zero liners! Maybe we could change to japanese Hai Ku's
>(17 syllables, no more no less, well ...)
>
>Jos
>
Does the QE2 count as a smart ass one-liner ?
pip pip
--
Dave Langstaff | Janet:d...@uk.ac.aber.cs |
Department of Physics/Adran Ffiseg, | Phone:(0970)622838 |
U.C.W.,Aberystwyth,Dyfed,SY23 3BZ,U.K | Fax :(0970)622826 |
- - -"After-life, After-shave, don't hold with any of it, bleugh!"- - - -
Mike Williams
Were tattooed the prices of Ale.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
The same information in Braille.
Apologies to the French for the horrible Anglo Saxon pronunciation
of "Braille".
---Mike
Jukka Lindgren
>In article <83...@ecs.soton.ac.uk> m...@ecs.soton.ac.uk (Mark Dobie) writes:
>>Or we could go the other way...
>[Limerick (3 lines) read on ...]
>> Mark.
>>
>Hi all, thanx for the (non)limericks. this is the score 'till now (summary):
[ Several limericks (what is a limerick ??) removed ]
>
>Anyone for a seven liner, six and a half? send me all your favourite
>zero liners! Maybe we could change to japanese Hai Ku's
>(17 syllables, no more no less, well ...)
Zero liners !!??
Oh well, here goes nothing..
=========== CUT HERE ==========
========== END OF FILE ========
>Jos
Jukka
--
\ Jukka Lindgren J.E.N. | Apart from the fact, that I am /
>, tow...@clinet.FI | the most unassuming person I know ,<
> ..!mcsun!fuug!clinet!toweri | -I am also always right ! <
/ -God to my fish | -Tiina Kekkonen \
--
\ Jukka Lindgren J.E.N. | Apart from the fact, that I am /
>, tow...@clinet.FI | the most unassuming person I know ,<
> ..!mcsun!fuug!clinet!toweri | -I am also always right ! <
/ -God to my fish | -Tiina Kekkonen \
J. Horsmeier
[Stuff deleted ...]
>Zero liners !!??
>Oh well, here goes nothing..
>
>=========== CUT HERE ==========
>========== END OF FILE ========
>
>Jukka
*GREAT* You did it! Laughed my pants wet! Where didya get it from?
Take this one for a change: (it's my own)
-----8<-----snip----------snip----------snip----------snip----------snip-----
-----8<-----snip----------snip----------snip----------snip----------snip-----
Jos (the Lazy Limerick Lover)
+----------------------------------------------------------------------+
|O J.A. Horsmeier AND Software B.V. phone : +31 10 4367100 O|
|O Westersingel 106/108 fax : +31 10 4367110 O|
|O 3015 LD Rotterdam NL e-mail: j...@and.nl O|
|O--------------------------------------------------------------------O|
|O Ring Kichard: `A shroe!, a shroe, My dingkom for a shroe!' O|
|O Thamle: 'Be ot or bot ne ot, tath is the nestquoi.' O|
+----------------------------------------------------------------------+
Stefan Goetzke
I posted this one before, but it's been some time ago...
She got mad and called him "mister".
Not because he came and kissed her,
But just before
As he stood at the door
This Mr kr sr.
It's from an English school book. Forgive me for not knowing any better :)
Stefan
--
Stefan Goetzke Email: iws...@eva.fmi.uni-passau.de
Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling goes away...
Bernhard Stumpf
How do you like the following:
There was a lady of Riga
who rode with a smile on a tiger.
When they came back from the ride
there was the lady inside
and --- the smile on the face of the tiger!
Not to bad - isn't it?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dipl.Bernhard Stumpf phone : ++49-681-302-4143
University of the Saarland e-mail: be...@sbuvax.rz.uni-sb.de
Geb.5 - Zi.218
Im Stadtwald |||
D-6600 Saarbruecken |||
Germany / | \
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wilko Quak
There is also a french version of this (written in Holland as I remember by Drs. P.)
Les prostituees de Versailles
tatouent leur tarifs sur leur tailles
pour les aveugles
?
?/?? leur tarifs en braille
I can't remember the whole thing unfortunately but I'll look it up for you
--
+----------------+----------------------------------------------------+
| Wilko Quak | email: cwq...@cs.ruu.nl |
| Arnhemseweg 53 +----------------------------------------------------+
| 6711 GR EDE | I still haven't found what I'm looking for. |
Rainer Klute
who travelled faster than light.
She started on day
and travelled away
and returned in the previous night.
--
Dipl.-Inform. Rainer Klute kl...@irb.informatik.uni-dortmund.de
Univ. Dortmund, IRB kl...@unido.uucp, kl...@unido.bitnet
Postfach 500500 |)|/ Tel.: +49 231 755-4663
D-4600 Dortmund 50 |\|\ Fax : +49 231 755-2386
Erik Kwast
Just some more,...
Said Wellington: `What's the location
of this battle I've won for the nation?'
They replied :`Waterloo.'
He said: `That'll do.
What a glorious name for a station!'
There was a young plumber of Leigh,
was plumbing a maid by the sea.
Said the maid: `Cease your plumbing,
I think someone's coming.'
Said the plumber, still plumbing: `It's me.'
well that's it.
Daniel MacKay
>>Whose limericks always ended in line two.
>There was a young man from Verdun.
And then there's the limerick about Nero.
J. Horsmeier
I love it, though ...
Jos
+----------------------------------------------------------------------+
|O J.A. Horsmeier AND Software B.V. phone : +31 10 4367100 O|
|O Westersingel 106/108 fax : +31 10 4367110 O|
|O 3015 LD Rotterdam NL e-mail: j...@and.nl O|
|O--------------------------------------------------------------------O|
|O "Beware of the evil limbo dancer" O|
|O (read on the bottom part of a door, somewhere ...) O|
+----------------------------------------------------------------------+
Hans-Joachim Roeder
Yet another limerick...
I made this one when I was a school boy, during one of these
boring English lessons:
There once was a boy called Vance,
who was known to be rather dense.
So, one day he said:
"I would be so glad
if only one time I talked sense."
--
Hans-Joachim Roeder, University of Passau, Computer Science Dept, Germany
roe...@unipas.fmi.uni-passau.de
M J Brewer
If I stared at the moon I'd go mad
But I tried it last night
And I'm perfectly all right
So groodle mendle flad!
mark
Paul Leyland
Apologies if this has already been posted. As an ex-chemist, I quite like it.
An ant was heard to complain
A chemist had damaged his brain.
The cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyltrichloroethane.
As for limericks about limericks, how about:
A limerick packs laughs anatomical
In spaces quite economical.
But the limericks I've seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones seldom are comical.
Finally, for the true English speakers (I'd be quite surprised if many
non-British speakers of English understand this one):
There was a young curate from Salisbury
Whose behaviour was halisbury-scalisbury
He ran around Hampshire
Without any pampshire
Until his archbishop told him to walisbury.
Paul
--
Paul Leyland <p...@convex.oxford.ac.uk> | Hanging on in quiet desperation is
Oxford University Computing Service | the English way.
13 Banbury Road, Oxford, OX2 6NN, UK | The time is come, the song is over.
Tel: +44-865-273200 Fax: +44-865-273275 | Thought I'd something more to say.
Tony Mountifield
> There was a young curate from Salisbury
> Whose behaviour was halisbury-scalisbury
> He ran around Hampshire
> Without any pampshire
> Until his archbishop told him to walisbury.
The problem is, Sarum is NOT the spoken form of Salisbury - they are two
different words. Same for Hants. and Hampshire (well, OK, one is the
abbreviated form of the other, but they are both normally spoke as writ! :-)
Still, I had an enjoyable minute or so trying to work it out! :-)
Tony.
Gary Thompson
>non-British speakers of English understand this one):
>
> There was a young curate from Salisbury
> Whose behaviour was halisbury-scalisbury
> He ran around Hampshire
> Without any pampshire
> Until his archbishop told him to walisbury.
I doubt if anyone will understand it, it's complete gibberish!
(and yes, I am English ;-)
--
================================================================
Gary Thompson, Delft Geophysical b.v., Delft, The Netherlands.
thom...@delgeo.nl "If all else fails, read the instructions"
================================================================
Colin Tinto
|> Finally, for the true English speakers (I'd be quite surprised if many
|> non-British speakers of English understand this one):
|>
|> There was a young curate from Salisbury
|> Whose behaviour was halisbury-scalisbury
|> He ran around Hampshire
|> Without any pampshire
|> Until his archbishop told him to walisbury.
|>
|> Paul
Never mind Non-British Speakers, I think it should have been Non-English
residents ! I'm Scottish (Speak scottish as well :-) and I don't get it !
Col
William Skyvington
Salisbury. You can almost work it out logically. The curate is
behaving in a manner designated as "ha[...]-sca[...]". So, we look
for a composite term that fits this pattern. The Webster's provides
a good candidate: "harum-scarum", meaning irresponsible, with the
"ar" syllables usually pronounced as in the words "hare" and
"scare". We conclude that the "lisbury" ending corresponds to an
"um" sound. In the final line, "walisbury" has to rhyme with
"harum-scarum". So, it gets transformed into "ware-um", which could
be interpreted as "wear them". Consequently, we have a Salisbury
curate who's behaving in a reckless manner. He's running around
Hampshire without any X, and finally his archbishop tells him to
wear these X. Since the missing X starts with "pa", it doesn't take
much imagination to conclude that the curate is running around
Hampshire without pants.
At this point, if the whole limerick is to rhyme in the traditional
a-a-b-b-a fashion, one would have to conclude that the Brits are
capable of pronouncing the name of the city of Salisbury as "Sarum",
and the name of the county of Hampshire as "Hants". On such
questions, one might consult the excellent tourist guide called
"Great Britain Today", written by an Australian named William
Skyvington, and published in French, English, German and Italian
editions by the French publishing house called Jeune Afrique.
morrosko
(I hope I won't have strong critizisms).
It is very ooooollld.....
One mariposita flying in the garden
cuando de pronto zas,
hostia contra la grass
con~o, said the mariposita,
I have broken my alita
.....and not really a limerick :-)
Jan-Pieter Cornet
With all these "native English-speaker only" jokes going around, I thought
it the right time for some pseudo-english stanza.
Note that this is most comprehensible for dutch speakers, allthough german
or even danish/swedish people might comprehend. Comprehension for Flemish
speakers is doubtfull :-)
A terrible lad called pieter
Sprankled his dad with a gieter
His father got woest
Got hold of a knoest
And gave him a pack on his mieter
-- Jan-Pieter
J. Horsmeier
Max Geerling
>
> A terrible lad called pieter
> Sprankled his dad with a gieter
> His father got woest
> Got hold of a knoest
> And gave him a pack on his mieter
>
>
>-- Jan-Pieter
^^^^^^^^^^
Who is not the author of this limerick. This one was by John O'Mill, who
has made lots of this Double-Dutch stuff.
Max.
--
Max Geerling |
Department of Computer Science | It is easier to get
Utrecht University, The Netherlands | forgiveness than permission
e-mail: amge...@praxis.cs.ruu.nl |
(Mohan Krishnamoorthy)
Who was never able to get his words across
That was because
His accent was false
And he wanted to say it on line six
When he knew it would get him into a fix.
The TRUE one for those who aren't aware:
The was a man from Madras
Whose BA**S were made of brass.
In stormy weather
They clashed together
And sparks flew out of his AR**
:-) :->
Robert Byron Lowrie
In article <79...@harrier.ukc.ac.uk>, m...@ukc.ac.uk ((Mohan Krishnamoorthy)) writes:
>
> The TRUE one for those who aren't aware:
>
> The was a man from Madras
> Whose BA**S were made of brass.
> In stormy weather
> They clashed together
> And sparks flew out of his AR**
>
I like this version better:
There once was a man from Madras
Whose balls were made out of brass
He'd bang them together
And play "Stormy Weather"
And thunder shot out of his ass.
--
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rob Lowrie low...@caen.engin.umich.edu
"Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah" -- Ira Gershwin
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------