Excerpts from the Quote-File : Law And Order
Ronald van Loon
A little while ago, somebody posted some "Law"-quotes
and asked for more. This was what I could find
on the subjects "Law" and "Rule". Hope you like them.
And remember : new quotes/one-liners still welcome
at :
Ronald van Loon (rl...@praxis.cs.ruu.nl)
General Surgeon's Warning : Reading of .signatures is a major
cause of pregnancy and can be harmful to lung cancer.
PS: If you liked those, let me know. That way I'll know
whether people like these postings....
-------------- (CUT HERE) -----------------
186,000 mps: It isn't only a good idea; it's the law!
43rd Law of Computing:
Anything that can go wr
fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
A Law of Computer Programming:
Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you
will find the programmers cannot write in English.
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
-Ben Franklin
After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
and turned to God and said, A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
to be created.
This is true, He replied.
He will need laws, said the Demon slyly.
What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the
right to make his laws?
Oh, no! Satan replied, I ask only that he be allowed to make
his own.
It was so granted.
Anarchy is against the law.
Anthony's Law of Force:
Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
corner of the workshop.
-
Corollary:
On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
your toes.
Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
first two laws.
Arthur C. Clarke's Law :
It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.
Arthur's Laws of Love:
1. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
remind them of someone else.
2. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will
be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool
of yourself in person.
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
-- Albert Einstein
Beckhap's Law: Beauty times brains equals a constant.
Beckhap's Law:
Beauty times brains equals a constant.
Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
vividly manifests their lack of progress.
Boob's Law:
You always find something in the last place you look.
Boren's Laws:
1) When in charge, ponder.
2) When in trouble, delegate.
3) When in doubt, mumble.
Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
easily by reducing it to the question, How would the Lone
Ranger have handled this?
Brook's Law:
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
Brook's Law:
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
Brooke's Law:
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
discovers something which either abolishes the system or
expands it beyond recognition.
Brooke's Law:
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
discovers something which either abolishes the system or
expands it beyond recognition.
Bucy's Law:
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession)
upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based
on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court
was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches,
human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
-- Ambrose Bierce
Captain Penny's Law:
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
Cole's Law:
Thinly sliced cabbage.
Conway's Law:
In any organization there will always be one person who knows
what is going on.
-
This person must be fired.
Did you hear about the unitarian branch of the Ku Klux Klan?
They go around burning question-marks on people's lawns.
Disclaimer: Any society that needs disclaimers has too many lawyers.
Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
Violators will be prosecuted.
(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
Don't ever use helium for decorative purposes. -Hiram Clawson
Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front
of your eyes.
Emersons' Law of Contrariness:
Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we
can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.
In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others
as it is to invent. (R. Emerson)
-- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
(whose author claims, Actually, stealing IS easier.)
to which I reply, You think it's easy for me to
misconstrue all these misquotations?!?]
Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
Corollary:
If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you
live.
Fifth Law of Procrastination:
Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
there is nothing important to do.
Finagle's first Law:
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
-
Finagle's second Law:
No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c)
believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
-
Finagle's third Law:
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
beyond all need of checking, is the mistake
-
Corollaries:
1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
-
Finagle's fourth Law:
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only
makes it worse.
First Law of Bicycling:
No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the
wind.
First Law of Procrastination:
Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
imposed the deadline).
First Law of Socio-Genetics:
Celibacy is not hereditary.
Flon's Law:
There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is
the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
Corollary:
Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do
except study for that instructor's course.
Fourth Law of Revision:
It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for
you.
Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
GRAVITY.
It isn't just a good idea.
It's the law.
Galbraith's Law of Human Nature:
Faced with the choice between changing one's
mind and proving that there is no need to do
so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof.
Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
some useful work done.
Gordon's Warranty Law:
All warranty clauses expires upon bill payment.
Grandpa Charnock's Law:
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Gray's Law of Programming:
'_n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same
time as '_n' tasks.
_
Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
'_n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as '_n' trivial tasks.
H. L. Mencken's Law:
Those who can -- do.
Those who can't -- teach.
-
Martin's Extension:
Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
Hacker's Law:
The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir
a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
Hare's Law:
Inside every large program is a small program struggling to get out.
Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
Experience is directly proportional to the amount of
equipment ruined.
Hartley's First Law:
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
on his back, you've got something.
Hartley's Second Law:
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Harvard Law:
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
organism will do as it damn well pleases.
Healey's Law of Holes: When you're in one, stop digging.
Heller's Law:
The first myth of management is that it exists.
-
Johnson's Corollary:
Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
organization.
Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get
out.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even if
you take into account Hofstadter's Law
Hofstadter's Law:
It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
Hofstadter's Law into account.
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
-
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
Howe's Law:
Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
-- Roy Santoro
Iron Law of Distribution:
Them that has, gets.
Is it a crime to forge a .signature? If so, what's the penalty of law
for this hideous task?
Issawi's Laws of Progress:
-
The Course of Progress:
Most things get steadily worse.
-
The Path of Progress:
A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
Jenkinson's Law:
It won't work.
Johnson's First Law:
When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
most inconvenient possible time.
Jone's Law:
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
to blame it on.
Jones' First Law:
Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
importance of their original contribution.
Justice is incidental to law and order. -- J. Edgar Hoover
Justice is incidental to law and order. -J. Edgar Hoover
Katz' Law:
Man and nations will act rationally when all other
possibilities have been exhausted.
Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
force is technically termed car suck).
2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
than Watch this!
Kettering's Law: Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
Kinkler's First Law:
Responsibility always exceeds authority.
-
Kinkler's Second Law:
All the easy problems have been solved.
LAW NUMBER LII:
People working in the private sector should try to save money.
There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again.
LAW NUMBER XII:
It costs a lot to build bad products.
LAW NUMBER XIII:
There are many highly successful businesses in the United States. There are
also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to intermingle the two.
LAW NUMBER XLIX:
Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds.
LAW NUMBER XLVII:
Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The other third is
covered with auditors from headquarters.
LAW NUMBER XVII:
Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing, and
obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics;i.e., it always increases.
LAW NUMBER XXII:
If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, not
selling advice.
LAW NUMBER XXVI:
If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each other, it
can be assured that disaster is not left to chance.
LAW NUMBER XXVII:
Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank.
LAW NUMBER XXXVI:
The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar contract
is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the proposals conforming
to this standard were piled on top of each other at the bottom of the Grand
Canyon it would probably be a good idea.
Lackland's Laws:
1. Never be first.
2. Never be last.
3. Never volunteer for anything
Langsam's Laws:
1) Everything depends.
2) Nothing is always.
3) Everything is sometimes.
Law of Communications:
The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
area of misunderstanding.
Law of ProbableDispersal:
Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly
distributed.
Law of Selective Gravity:
An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
Law of the Perversity of Nature:
You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the
bread to butter.
Lawyers do it in their briefs.
Lawyers: America's untapped export market.
Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission.
Lieberman's Law:
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
Lowery's Law:
If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing
anyway.
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
There's always one more bug.
Maier's Law:
If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be
disposed of.
-
Corollaries:
1. The bigger the theory, the better.
2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
obtain a correspondence with the theory.
Main's Law:
For every action there is an equal and opposite government
program.
Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
Malek's Law:
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
Me, I'm just a lawn mower. You can tell by the way I walk.
Meader's Law:
Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to
everyone you know, only more so.
Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
cork makes when it is popped.
Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city
can never hope to acquire it.
Meskimen's Law:
There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
do it over.
Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you
out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles.
Miksch's Law:
If a string has one end, then it has another end.
Mitchell's Law of Committees:
Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are
held to discuss it.
Mmmph! Urghurmph! Grugmph!
What's he trying to say?
I dunno -there's a lawyer crammed in his mouth.
Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd
be out of a job.
Murphy's Law : Never play leapfrog with a Unicorn.
Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't
work.
Murphy's Law of Research:
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Murphy's Law:
If the slightest probability for an unpleasant event to happen exists,
the event will take place; preferably during a demonstration.
My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. He goes around
with his head stuck up his ass.
My lawyer can beat up your lawyer.
Naeser's Law:
You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
damnfoolproof.
Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of
conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival
of the fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in
situations where he is most likely to be creamed?
-Solomon Short
Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
God said, Let Newton be, and all was light.
-
It did not last; the devil howling Ho!
Let Einstein be! restored the status quo.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a
law against it by that time.
Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
Negative expectations yield negative results.
Positive expectations yield negative results.
Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine,
a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine... -- Stanislaw Lem
O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:
Murphy was an optimist.
Oliver's Law:
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.
Once Law was sitting on the bench
And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
Clear out! he cried, disordered wench!
Nor come before me creeping.
Upon you knees if you appear,
'Tis plain you have no standing here.
-
Then Justice came. His Honor cried:
YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!
Amica curiae, she replied --
Friend of the court, so please you.
Begone! he shouted -- There's the door --
I never saw your face before!
Osborn's Law:
Variables won't; constants aren't.
PUTT'S LAW. Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who under-
stand what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not understand.
Parker's Law:
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Parkinson's Fifth Law:
If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
Parkinson's Fourth Law:
The number of people in any working group tends to increase
regardless of the amount of work to be done.
Parkinson's Law (also known as Thousand Principle):
Any corporation with a minimum one thousand (1,000) work force becomes
an autonomous entity, in which enough administrative paperwork is generated
to make external contacts superfluous.
Paul's Law:
In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you
save.
Paul's Law:
You can't fall off the floor.
People don't hire lawyers for justice they hire lawyers for revenge.
Peter's Law of Substitution:
Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after
themselves.
Pohl's law: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate
it.
Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
It's on the other side.
Putt's Law:
Technology is dominated by two types of people:
Those who understand what they do not manage.
Those who manage what they do not understand.
Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live. -- Dorothy Parker
Reality is the flaw in the perfection of nothingness.
Nyarlathotep, Reed College, Portland, OR -
Rudin's Law:
If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
do it every time.
Sattinger's Law:
It works better if you plug it in.
Scientific Computations Law:
a. Decimal points are misplaced.
b. Positive powers of ten are in fact negative, and vice-versa.
This law is responsible for interesting results such as 40.8E-3 angstroms
for the earth's circumference, or 3.2E2 Gigafarads in and RLC circuit.
Scott's first Law:
No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
-
Scott's second Law:
When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
to have been wrong in the first place.
Corollary:
After the correction has been found in error, it will be
impossible to fit the original quantity back into the
equation.
Second Law of Business Meetings:
If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
will pick the wrong one.
-
Corollary:
If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it
wrong, anyway.
Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
She scissored short. Sorely shorn,
Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
Silently scheming,
Sightlessly seeking
Some savage, spectacular suicide.
-- Stanislaw Lem
Shanahan's Law:
The length of a meeting rises with the square
of the number of people present.
Silverman's Law:
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
Simon's Law:
Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad
check.
2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
attracted to dark objects.
Sodd's Second Law:
Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
bound to occur.
Someone broke into the Wilmington, Delaware police department and stole all of
the plumbing fixtures.
The police say that they currently have nothing to go on.
Structured Programming supports the law of the excluded muddle.
Sturgeon's Law:
90% of everything is crud.
Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit! Just type
in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving
the room is punishable under law:
-
Name#
The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development:
To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
one, and convert to the next higher units.
The Law of Software Development and Envelopment at MIT:
Every program in development at MIT expands until it can read mail.
The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
bread. -- Anatole France
The Third Law of Photography:
If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
the dark leaks out.
The falsely dramatic drives out the truly dull.
- Gennerat's Law
The lawyers are going to LOVE this one
NEWSDAY
The more corrupt the state, the more numerous the laws.
-Tacitus, 56-120 A.D.
The only measure of a man's usefulness
is the extent to which he exercises his
talent, according to the laws of his own
growth, for the common good.
Stanley Kunitz
The problem with any unwritten law is that you
don't know where to go to erase it.
The three laws of thermodynamics:
-
The First Law:You can't get anything without working for it.
The Second Law:The most you can accomplish by working is to break
even.
The Third Law:You can only break even at absolute zero.
Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
-
He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the
Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an
open market.
-
If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he
should not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of
himself.
-
Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower. -- Kehlog Albran
There is no law that vulgarity and literary excellence cannot coexist.
-A. Trevor Hodge
Troutman's 1st Law:
If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent systems will
malfunction.
Troutman's 2nd Law:
Not until a program has been in production for at least 6 months will the
most serious error be discovered.
Troutman's 3rd Law:
Interchangeable tapes won't.
Troutman's 4th Law:
Machines work. People should think.
Turnaucka's Law:
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
electrical cord.
Tussman's Law:
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case.
Look, said one to the other, let's be honest with each other.
Okay, you first, replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion.
Universal Tech Document Units Law:
Characteristics, specifications, dimensions and any other data included
in technical documents must be stated in exotic units, such as tenth of
troy once per barn for pressures, or acre times atmosphere per kilogram
for speeds.
Van Roy's Law:
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Van Roy's Law:
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only
once.
2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data
points.
Vuilleumier's Fifth Law:
Prototype npn blackboxes actually hold pnp transistors, and vice-versa.
Vuilleumier's First Law:
Any pre-cut equipment is too short. This is specially true of optic fiber
cables with expensive connectors at both ends.
Vuilleumier's Second Law:
If n electronic components are required, n-1 are available.
Vuilleumier's Fourth Law:
When proteup first, thankfully leaving the fuses intact.
Vuilleumier's Seventh Law:
When the prototype has been fully assembled according to lab instructions,
a minimum of 11 components are left.
Vuilleumier's Sixth Law:
A quartz oscillator oscillates at a frequency off the rated one by a minimum
of 25% if it does oscillate at all.
Vuilleumier's Third Law (also known as Selective Gravitational Field):
Any tool escaping manipulator's hands willnot necessarily follow Earth's
gravitational field, but will land in the most unreachable location in
the prototype, smashing on its way the most expensive component of the
prototype.
This will know only one exception if the tool is particularly heavy, in
which case it will land on the manipulator's foot.
Watson's Law:
The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
number and significance of any persons watching it.
Weiler's Law:
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
himself.
Weinberg's First Law:
Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
-
Weinberg's Second Law:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy
civilization.
Weinberg's Law:
If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, the first
woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
Weiner's Law of Libraries:
There are no answers, only cross references.
Wethern's Law:
Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that
can't happen. -- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)
When Marriage is Outlawed,
Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
were set apart, and the smaller yellowing typeeet apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
corners as bodies of a lower grade... -- Stanislaw Lem
When the sun beats down and I lie on the bench, I can always hear them talk,
Me, I'm just a lawnmower... you can tell me by the way I walk.
When you need to knock on wood is when you realize the world's composed of
aluminum and vinyl. -Flugg's Law
Wiker's Law:
Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
Williams and Holland's Law:
If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by
statistical methods.
You can live outside the law, but you must be honest.
Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
People are always available for work in the past tense.
the brain;
But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
Why, I do it again and again.
You are old, said the youth, as I mentioned before,
And have grown most uncommonly fat;
Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
Pray what is the reason of that?
-
In my youth, said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
I kept all my limbs very supple
By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
Allow me to sell you a couple?
You are old, said the youth, and your jaws are too weak
For anything tougher than suet;
Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
Pray, how did you manage to do it?
-
In my youth, said his father, I took to the law,
And argued each case with my wife;
And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
Has lasted the rest of my life.
You are old, said the youth, one would hardly suppose
That your eye was as steady as ever;
Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
What made you so awfully clever?
-
I have answered three questions, and that is enough,
Said his father. Don't give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!
Barach's Rule:
An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.
Break a few rules.
Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:
The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request
for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver
will cheerfully baste you.
-Chicago Reader 5/28/82
First Rule of History:
History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each
other.
Goldenstern's Rules:
1. Always hire a rich attorney
2. Never buy from a rich salesman.
I cannot read the fiery letters, said Frodo in a quavering
voice.
No, Said Gandalf, but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in
Elven-lore:
-
This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid).
In the old days, we had wooden ships ruled by iron men. Now we have
steel ships and blockheads running them. Capt. D. Seymour
Leibowitz's Rule:
When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you
hold the hammer with both hands.
Life is the only game in which the object of the game is to learn the rules.
Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety
percent.
Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine,
a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine... -- Stanislaw Lem
Oh dear, now I've made a terrible mess of things.
And all I wanted to do was rule the universe.
Dr. Zachary Smith
One disk to rule them all,
One disk to bind them,
One disk to hold the files
And in the darkness grind 'em
PLUNDERER'S THEME
(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
-
Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
People who aren't going to go any faster than the speed limit really ought
to put their hazard lights on. -Nibble's Rules Of The Road, #19
Philosophers who make the general claim that a rule simply 'reduces to' its
formulations are using Occam's razor to cut the throat of common sense.
-R. Harris
Ray's Rule of Precision:
Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
Rule of Creative Research:
1) Never draw what you can copy.
2) Never copy what you can trace.
3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
Rule of Defactualization:
Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
Rule of Feline Frustration:
When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
bathroom.
Rule of the Great:
When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
Rules for College Survival:
Avoid administrators.
Skim the required reading. Skip everything else.
Write vague, spineless papers.
Cram.
Soviet Method:
Set working methods in complicated rules and numerous authorizations. Nothing
will therefore happen, for which no blame can be put on you.
Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the
question back at him.
Swipple's Rule of Order:
He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES:
The one who has the gold makes the rules.
THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES
The one who has the gold makes the rules.
The Fifth Rule:
You have taken yourself too seriously.
The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it is
your move. -Frank Crane
The Roman Rule
The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
one who is doing it.
There's a fundamental rule of automation that says
Everything automatically done _for_ you simultaneously does
something unpredicted and usually unpleasant _to_ you.
Thomas Edison is alleged to have remarked about his laboratory, There ain't
no rules around here. We're trying to accomplish something.
To every rule there is a exception, and vice versa.
Ronald van Loon
Forgot to check !