The Blessings of Spiritual Friendship
Alex Tang
Spiritual friendship, according to the great twelfth century English
Cistercian Abbot, Aelred of Rievaulx is “mutual harmony in affairs
human and divine coupled with benevolence and charity” (Aelred,
Spiritual Friendship, Kalamazoo, MI: Cistercian Publications). What he
meant is that spiritual friendship is the love of the Christians given
by God that combines goodwill and charity and is only possible between
those who resist sin and seek to follow Jesus. There are certain
characteristics that make up spiritual friendship.
Firstly spiritual friendship has ‘sacred space’ that allows each of us
to grow in our relationship with the Lord, with other people and with
ourselves. The ‘sacred space’ is a safe space where we are free to
make mistakes. It is also a space where we are to be non judgmental
about each other. Therefore this ‘sacral space’ allows us to be
ourselves, without the burden of putting on our false selves and
trying to be someone else. In spiritual friendship there is an
understanding of ‘agreeing to disagree.’ This meant that it is
possible to hold differing opinions about politics, theology,
lifestyle preferences, and cultural heritage without the need to prove
ourselves right or to tear down the other person’s opinion. In many
subtle ways, this will enrich our lives.
Secondly, spiritual friendship is a relationship with trust. This
trust is about spiritual friends respecting each other’s
confidentiality and privacy. It is in our psychological makeup that we
need people we can trust so that we can open ourselves. This opening
of ourselves is cathartic and results in our emotional well being. We
need to be able to be free to verbalise our fears and desires.
Confession is an important part of the process of repentance.
Confession helps us to avoid the temptation of sidestepping our moral
responsibilities. We cannot do all this if we do not trust our
spiritual friends with our confidentiality.
Thirdly, spiritual friendship involves accountability. Spiritual
friends are accountable to each other because they are brothers in
Christ. Much of the problems of the world are the results of lack of
accountability. Many Christian leaders fail because they do not allow
themselves to be accountable to other Christians. Christian spiritual
friends hold each other accountable in their spiritual life, thought
fantasies, marital fidelity, fulfilling of promises, and management of
finances. We need these check and balances because we are prone to
self deception. The bible teaches that our hearts are very deceitful
(Jeremiah 17:9).
Finally, spiritual friends make very good prayer partners. There is a
certain joy in praying together with someone we know and loves.
Praying together reminds us of our dependence on the Lord. One of the
highlight of my working week is the weekly lunch-time prayer with a
spiritual friend. Spiritual friends are able to discern the working of
the Holy Spirit in the life of one another other and to offer
spiritual direction. This is especially useful when major decisions
need to be made.
How do we seek spiritual friends? We start by becoming friends with
others. Gradually we will come to be aware that certain people may
become our good spiritual friends. We are comfortable with these
people because they offer us ‘sacred spaces.’ We know that we can
trust them to keep our confidence (not a gossip), are willing to be
accountable to each other, and willing to pray together with us. The
friendship of David and Jonathan is one such example (Isaiah 18:1-4).
In my spiritual journey I am grateful for the friendships of many
spiritual friends who live in many countries all over the world. I
thank God for all of them. When you have a spiritual friend, hang on
to them because they are very precious and very rare. You may even
have to travel thousands of miles for them.
Soli Deo Gloria
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Advent is a season of waiting...
...waiting to celebrate the first coming of our Lord on Christmas day
...waiting for the second coming of our Lord in His full Glory
Let us wait patiently and expectantly with our spiritual friends.
Thank you for being my spiritual friends.
Blessed Christmas and a Great New Year
Alex
Kairos Spiritual Formation
email: dral...@yahoo.com
website: www.kairos2.com
blog: www.draltang01.blogspot.com
"making disciples with informed minds, hearts on fire and
contemplative in actions"