Start over in Agatti
Ankit
Located off the coast of Kerala, in the Arabian Sea, north of the
Maldives, is a cluster of islands called Lakshadweep islands. The most
populated off them is Agatti.
I didn’t want to go there, but she had been planning this for months.
Now that the divorce was almost final, I knew mom needed this. But why
all the way here? A city where aside from the solar plant which powers
it, there is hardly any technology.
“What do you mean no technology? The TV works,” she replied to my
cribbing.
“Yes it does, but there is no mobile network. I feel so handicapped.
Almost like I’m dead to the online world.”
“Oh don’t dramatize it. 2 days of no phone won’t kill you. That’s the
point of these holidays.”
“No, the point of holidays is to relax in a nice resort, probably get
a nice massage. Not to sit in a holiday home of a local who can’t even
cook a decent vegetarian meal.”
“Now stop cribbing. It took us a long time to get the government
permit to holiday here. You know they don’t allow outsiders on the
island much. So you are privileged, now sit and enjoy the sun.”
I pouted and sat on the white grainy sands. The beach was pretty much
deserted. Aside from the occasional fishing boat on the horizon you
couldn’t see a thing.
The strangest thing about the water here is its colour. The ocean is
in 3 shades of blue, one is the usual dark blue, then a slightly
lighter greener blue and finally the shoreline very light blue.
Something about the water depths and ocean beds I’m told.
Getting bored of the beach, I decided to walk around. It’s an
interesting town, a single cement road through the island, with
coconut trees on both sides. Since major population is fishermen, some
houses sported the catch of the day drying outside. I forgot time as I
stroll around, the old houses, the tall palms, and the rickety cycles
ridden by old men. Didn’t seem like this is India in 2012, more like
1943.
The feeling of teleporting to an ancient time would unnerve most
people, but there, in that moment, it only calmed me. I knew the
problems, the issues, the drama was all behind me. It wouldn’t affect
me anymore, I wouldn’t let it.
I didn’t realize it when my feet took me around the roads and back to
the beach. I saw mom, out on the sand. Her eyes closed, she looked
more relax than I had seen her in weeks. This trip was needed for both
of us. The village island, as I liked to call it, its beauty and its
simplicity. That’s all it took, to start over on a fresh page.
-x-x-x-x-x-
comments people.... does the story work? or just another vomit of
words?
supriya sharma
govil...@gmail.com
Got pictures to prove it
:P
Its a pretty place, but I wouldn't recommend spending too much time there.
supriya sharma
zogta...@gmail.com
Sent on my BlackBerry® from Vodafone
govil...@gmail.com
I don't intend to continue it.
Pure slush may theme is cities, with a 500 word limit for fiction, so I thought I'd get all your review
Regards
Ankit
http://gypsyfoods.wordpress.com/
To: <egghead...@googlegroups.com>
Reply-To: egghead...@googlegroups.com
Subject: Re: Start over in Agatti
Spandna Chokhani
assuming the narrator is male; feels male to me) whining and then
suddenly he's all awed by the beauty and decides "It’s an interesting
town." For example, adding 'I'll admit,' before 'it's an interesting
town.' might help.
The divorce theme and "the problems, the issues, the drama" feel
underdeveloped. Maybe replacing some of the lengthy dialogue with
contemplation would help as I don't feel the dialogue or his whining
add much to the story.
I also felt you were trying to cram in information about the place as
if writing a travelogue, which, at times, didn't flow smoothly with
the story.
The imagery in this sentence doesn't work for me. Feels too vague and
dry for me to visualise.
slightly lighter greener blue and finally the shoreline very light
blue."
Maldives, is a cluster of islands called Lakshadweep islands."
"The most populated *off* them is Agatti."
should be 'of them.'
"don’t *dramatize* it"
American english. Should be 'dramatise' if you're writing British.
"Since major population is fishermen"
should be 'Since THE major population is OF fishermen'
"I forgot time as I *stroll* around"
should be 'strolled.'
"I knew the problems, the issues, the drama *was* all behind me."
should be 'were' as you're talking about multiple things.
"she looked more *relax* than I had seen her in weeks."
should be 'relaxed.'
I hope you don't mind me doing this. If so I'll stop yapping and shut
my trap. :P
govil...@gmail.com
:P
I'll look into the edits you mention
Regards
Ankit
http://gypsyfoods.wordpress.com/
-----Original Message-----
From: Spandna Chokhani <chimer...@gmail.com>
Sender: egghead...@googlegroups.com
Date: Mon, 2 Apr 2012 08:27:16
To: eggheads<egghead...@googlegroups.com>
Reply-To: egghead...@googlegroups.com
Subject: Re: Start over in Agatti
Spandna Chokhani
make me a glutton for punishment but I love it when people criticise
my writing. :P
govil...@gmail.com
:)
Regards
Ankit
http://gypsyfoods.wordpress.com/
-----Original Message-----
From: Spandna Chokhani <chimer...@gmail.com>
Sender: egghead...@googlegroups.com
Date: Mon, 2 Apr 2012 08:43:09
To: eggheads<egghead...@googlegroups.com>
Reply-To: egghead...@googlegroups.com
Subject: Re: Start over in Agatti
ankit govil
Start over in Agatti
I didn’t want to go there, I mean who would want to go to a place in the middle of nowhere. Off the coast of Kerala, in the Arabian Sea, north of the Maldives, is a cluster of islands called Lakshadweep. The most populated of them, our destination, was Agatti.
She had been planning this for months, I had to give in. Now that the divorce was almost final, I knew mother needed this. But why all the way there? A city where aside from the solar plant, which powers it, there is hardly any technology.
“What do you mean no technology? The TV works,” she replied to my cribbing.
“Yes it does, but there is no mobile network. I feel so handicapped. Almost like I’m dead to the online world.”
“Oh don’t dramatize it. Two days of no phone won’t kill you. That’s the point of these holidays.”
“No, the point of holidays is to relax in a nice resort, probably get a nice massage. Not to sit in a holiday home of a local who can’t even cook a decent vegetarian meal.”
“Now stop cribbing. It took us a long time to get the government permit to holiday here. You know they don’t allow outsiders on the island much. So you are privileged, now sit and enjoy the sun.”
I pouted and sat on the white grainy sands. The beach was pretty much deserted. Aside from the occasional fishing boat on the horizon you couldn’t see a thing.
The strangest thing about the water there was its colour. The ocean was three shades of blue, the usual dark blue, then a slightly lighter greener blue and finally the very light blue in shallow waters. Something about the water depths and ocean beds I’m told.
Getting bored of the beach, I decided to walk around. There was something about the town, a single cement road through the island, with coconut trees on both sides, almost drew me to travel with it and explore what the island had to offer. Since major population was fishermen, some houses sported the catch of the day drying outside. I forgot time as I strolled around, the old houses, the tall palms, and the rickety cycles ridden by old men. Didn’t seem like this is India in 2012, more like 1943.
The feeling of teleporting to an ancient time would unnerve most people, but there, in that moment, it only calmed me. I knew the problems, the issues, the drama were all behind me. They wouldn’t affect me anymore, I wouldn’t let them.
I didn’t realize it when my feet took me around the streets and back to the beach. I saw mother, out on the sand. Her eyes closed, she looked more relaxed than I had seen her in weeks. This trip was needed for both of us. The village island, as I liked to call it, its beauty and its simplicity. That’s all it took, to start over on a fresh page.
renuka gupta
shashank kapoor
Quite a soothing read, Ankit! I concur with Spandana on beefing up the build up, mother's story and adding more color to water scenes. Nice travelogue overall.
govil...@gmail.com
So suggestions people?
@ Renuka- what sort of decision did you have in mind? Regarding leaving the island? Or the mother re-marrying?
I was going for the internal conflict scenario. The mother and son are both disturbed by the divorce and a serene island calms them with its beauty and nature. The essence of the city is in its old world feel and that's what draws the boy out of his shell.
The initial cribbing is not just because he hates the island and the trip. Its because he is disturbed by the break up. Perhaps I can highlight that part.
@ Shashank- I'll add more colour to the water. But do suggest how would you as a reader expect the mother story to move?