Maid'n Drama
ankit govil
Maid’n drama.
Mrs. Sharma and Mrs. Patel sat in the Sharma’s living room, as the maid served them tea and biscuits. Once the woman was out of ear shot, Mrs. Patel asked “How long have you had this one?”
“Will be five months next week. She isn’t too bad, the silent type. I hate the useless chit-chat,” Mrs. Sharma said sipping her tea.
“Keep an eye on her. Last year I had carpenters re-doing the kitchen cabinets and when they left a month later, my maid was pregnant. I had to send her to her village. She was so good with the dishes, I miss her,” sighed Mrs. Patel.
“My cousin from America was complaining how lucky we were to have all the help we need. But she is the lucky one. She doesn’t have to handle all the extra drama. I had this maid, she was good with work but she just wouldn’t shut up. Especially on her wedding anniversary, first she turned up in her wedding dress and cleaned the whole house wearing that. Then kept going on and on about her wedding night, like I’d want to know all the different positions she did it in,” Mrs. Sharma said, nose twitching at the memory.
“Well, wait till you have this one asking you for more money. For her children, who are all grown up and working perhaps, Or for her daughter’s wedding. They always come up with the best stories for those moments.”
“For money and for days off. They always have the best excuses. My last one though was terrible at her lies. Once she told me she wanted Rs.5000 and a month off to have her prostate removed,” giggled Mrs. Sharma.
“I can beat that, one of my maids claimed to be allergic to water during the rains, and hence didn’t turn up for work for 2 months.”
“Didn’t she bathe? She must stink,” Mrs. Sharma asked aghast. “I wouldn’t allow such a woman in my home. I even ask her to bathe before entering the kitchen. Don’t I?” She asked her maid, who was absorbing every word of the conversation on the pretence of dusting the mantle.
“Surprisingly she always smelt of expensive perfume, must have stolen it from someone.”
“Perhaps, you just look away for one second and something of yours slips down their blouse,” said Mrs. Sharma eyeing her maid, as she cleaned one of the expensive crystals. “One of mine turned up wearing my own ring on her finger. It was the diamond solitaire I got on our anniversary. Claiming it was paste which her husband bought for her, could you imagine lying to my face. Then she went on to say, my husband gave it to her as a gift. Obviously I fired her, when my husband denied the allegations. In return he bought me the diamond necklace. So we were both happy,” smiled Mrs. Sharma.
“Accusing your husband? Now that’s rich. You should have handed her to the police.”
“Nah, they would drag my husband into it and we don’t need that kind of publicity.”
“Oh yes, they’d drag your name through the mud. Anyway, you got rid of her so that’s best… Ooh. Were these biscuits fresh? My stomach is grumbling. Could I use the washroom?”
“They were store bought. The washroom is down the hall. Help yourself,” Said Mrs. Sharma as she watched Mrs. Patel break into a run for the lavatory. She felt her own stomach call out, “Oops seemed like I will have to run to the toilet too.”
As the lady ran towards her bedroom holding her stomach, the maid smiled. Now this was more entertaining than comedy central. Still giggling she threw out the empty pack of baby laxative.
Regards
Spandna Chokhani
The two women just sit and speak in long monologues. You need to break
down the dialogue and maybe reduce the number of stories they tell
each other.
"during the discussions we had on the story "Quest for Romance", there
were suggestions to eliminate the narrative and show the actions with
dialogue."
narrate the stories, the stories themselves aren't shown through
dialogue or action. The story that we ARE shown (of the maid and the
two gossiping women) doesn't draw us in because the majority of the
focus is on summarising stories that we AREN'T shown so that those
stories don't draw us in either.
To make it more visual, add a bit more to the action happening in the
present. Maybe instead of serving tea in the beginning and just having
half a line say the maid was "dusting" and listening, inter-cut the
dialogue with visuals of Mrs. Sharma and Mrs. Patel moving about a
bit, a few asides of them maybe complimenting the furniture or
centerpiece or snapping at the maid, show the maid moving around in
the kitchen, listening and maybe having snarky thoughts. Instead of
the straightforward narration telling everything to the reader, make
it more subtle. Don't serve all the information to the reader, draw
the reader in with hints and clues. Maybe end the piece with the maid
preparing the tea, serving it, and coming back to throw the laxative
wrapper away as she hears the women in the drawing room rush for the
bathroom and smiles.
ankit govil
ankit govil
*CRASH*
The ladies in the living room looked up at the maid standing over a broken platter of snacks on the floor.
Embarrassed in front of her guest, Mrs. Patel, Mrs. Sharma quickly barked orders at the maid to clean it up and bring a fresh plate of snacks.
Returning to Mrs. Patel, Mrs. Sharma apologized, “I’m so sorry, she is a little clumsy at times. That’s her 3rd plate this week.”
“Oh that’s alright. How long have you had this one?”
“Will be five months next week. She isn’t too bad aside from the clumsiness, the silent type. I hate the useless chit-chat,” Mrs. Sharma said sipping her tea.
Eyeing the maid cleaning up the remains of the platter Mrs. Patel said, “Keep an eye on her. Last year I had carpenters re-doing the kitchen cabinets and when they left a month later, my maid was pregnant. I had to send her to her village. She was so good with the dishes, I miss her,” she sighed.
“Now bring a fresh serving of snacks, and be careful this time,” ordered Mrs. Sharma, as she returned to the conversation, “My cousin from America was complaining how lucky we were to have all the help we need. But she is the lucky one. She doesn’t have to handle all the extra drama. I had this maid, she was good with work but she just wouldn’t shut up. Especially on her wedding anniversary, first she turned up in her wedding dress and cleaned the whole house wearing that. Then kept going on and on about her wedding night, like I’d want to know all the different positions she did it in,” Mrs. Sharma said, nose twitching at the memory.
“Well, wait till you have this one asking you for more money. For her children, who are all grown up and working perhaps, Or for her daughter’s wedding. They always come up with the best stories for those moments,” the maid returned with the snacks, the ladies stopped their conversation to serves huge helpings on their plates.
“Isn’t the tea ready yet? Bring it in the new cups,” barked Mrs. Sharma through mouthfuls of biscuits. As the maid walked off the conversation resumed, “For money and for days off. They always have the best excuses. My last one though was terrible at her lies. Once she told me she wanted Rs.5000 and a month off to have her prostate removed,” giggled Mrs. Sharma.
“I can beat that, one of my maids claimed to be allergic to water during the rains, and hence didn’t turn up for work for 2 months.”
“Didn’t she bathe? She must stink,” Mrs. Sharma asked aghast. “I wouldn’t allow such a woman in my home. I even ask her to bathe before entering the kitchen. Don’t I?” She asked her maid, who was serving the tea on the table. The poor woman just smiled a shy smile and nodded, before returning to the kitchen.
“Surprisingly she always smelt of expensive perfume, must have stolen it from someone.”
“Perhaps, you just look away for one second and something of yours slips down their blouse,” said Mrs. Sharma eyeing her maid, as she cleaned one of the expensive crystals. “One of mine turned up wearing my own ring on her finger. It was the diamond solitaire I got on our anniversary. Claiming it was paste which her husband bought for her, could you imagine lying to my face. Then she went on to say, my husband gave it to her as a gift. Obviously I fired her, when my husband denied the allegations. In return he bought me the diamond necklace. So we were both happy,” smiled Mrs. Sharma.
“Accusing your husband? Now that’s rich. You should have handed her to the police.”
“Nah, they would drag my husband into it and we don’t need that kind of publicity.”
“Oh yes, they’d drag your name through the mud. Anyway, you got rid of her so that’s best… Ooh. Were these biscuits fresh? My stomach is grumbling. Could I use the washroom?”
“They were store bought. The washroom is down the hall. Help yourself,” Said Mrs. Sharma as she watched Mrs. Patel break into a run for the lavatory. She felt her own stomach call out, “Oo perhaps I will have a run to the toilet too.”
As the lady ran towards her bedroom holding her stomach, the maid smiled. Now this was more entertaining than comedy central. Still giggling she threw the empty pack of baby laxative.
-x-x-x-x-x-
How is this one?
supriya sharma
ankit govil
*CRASH*
The ladies in the living room looked up at the maid standing over a broken platter of snacks on the floor.
Embarrassed in front of her guest, Mrs. Patel, Mrs. Sharma quickly barked orders at the maid to clean it up and bring a fresh plate of snacks.
Returning to Mrs. Patel, Mrs. Sharma apologized, “I’m so sorry, she is a little clumsy at times. That’s her 3rd plate this week.”
“Oh that’s alright. How long have you had this one?”
“Will be five months next week. She isn’t too bad aside from the clumsiness, the silent type. I hate the useless chit-chat,” Mrs. Sharma said sipping her tea.
Eyeing the maid cleaning up the remains of the platter Mrs. Patel said, “Keep an eye on her. Last year I had carpenters re-doing the kitchen cabinets and when they left a month later, my maid was pregnant. I had to send her to her village. She was so good with the dishes, I miss her,” she sighed.
“Now bring a fresh serving of snacks, and be careful this time,” ordered Mrs. Sharma, as she returned to the conversation, “My cousin from America was complaining how lucky we were to have all the help we need. But she is the lucky one. She doesn’t have to handle all the extra drama. I had this maid, she was good with work but she just wouldn’t shut up. Especially on her wedding anniversary, first she turned up in her wedding dress and cleaned the whole house wearing that. Then kept going on and on about her wedding night, like I’d want to know all the different positions she did it in,” Mrs. Sharma said, nose twitching at the memory.
“Well, wait till you have this one asking you for more money. For her children, who are all grown up and working perhaps, Or for her daughter’s wedding. They always come up with the best stories for those moments,” the maid returned with the snacks, the ladies stopped their conversation to serves huge helpings on their plates.
“Isn’t the tea ready yet? Bring it in the new cups,” snapped Mrs. Sharma through mouthfuls of biscuits. As the maid walked off the conversation resumed, “For money and for days off. They always have the best excuses. My last one though was terrible at her lies. Once she told me she wanted Rs.5000 and a month off to have her prostate removed,” giggled Mrs. Sharma.
“I can beat that, one of my maids claimed to be allergic to water during the rains, and hence didn’t turn up for work for 2 months.”
“Didn’t she bathe? She must stink,” Mrs. Sharma asked aghast. “I wouldn’t allow such a woman in my home. I even ask her to bathe before entering the kitchen. Don’t I?” She asked her maid, who was serving the tea on the table. The poor woman just smiled a shy smile and nodded, before returning to the kitchen.
“Surprisingly my maid always smelt of expensive perfume, must have stolen it from someone.”