Hi Families-
I wanted to share some insights from last night's Challenge Success Talk about raising resilient children. They really covered quite a lot of useful material.
My takeaways:
- create a calm, loving home
- puzzle analogy (explained below)
- love kids for who they are (not what they produce)
Redefine Success
Here's a 3 1/2 minute video that was shown at the talk. High school kids are defining success from both a parents' perspective and a students' perspective.
https://youtu.be/lzTU3SJo5zk
Puzzle Analogy
The other analogy that was new to me that I liked was comparing parenting to solving a jigsaw puzzle. We first work on the borders of the puzzle, which in parenting is teaching values and morals. But inside the boundary of our morals and values, we have to let go and have kids figure out how to solve that themselves.
Falling or Failing
When kids are learning to walk or ride a bicycle, parents expect them to wobble and fall. We encourage them to get back up and clap and cheer for them to try again. That's what parenting adolescents should look like also.
Real Tiger vs. Paper Tiger
When we see a real tiger, our body goes into Flight or Fight mode. This means blood goes into our legs to prepare to run. We aren't thinking anymore... we are reacting. If kids are led to believe that a B+ is a real tiger, then they stop thinking and go into primal survival mode.
Equation
You did <blank> and <blank> happened.
This type of feedback gives kids control. Having control reduces anxiety.
Kids who are told "you are so smart... you did great!" start falling apart when things get hard. Kids who have been praised for effort "you worked hard and you did great!" are more likely to keep trying and working hard and every time they try they are getting practice and building competence which reduces anxiety.
Practice Scenario 1:
Your son is a happy guy who does well in school and likes to play guitar. You think that he is capable of more. Your son does well in regular US History and his teacher recommends that he take AP (advanced placement) US History. Your son is not interested in APUSHistory. What do you do?
Answer: You can talk to your son and ask him to explain his thoughts on APUSHistory. Maybe he has something else that he is more interested in that you could support him in. Whatever his explanation, it is his choice.
Practice Scenario 2:
Your 13-year old daughter is a very talented soccer player and enjoys it. Her coach has just invited her to play with the 14-year old/15-year old league that is a full-year program and travel league. Your daughter would like to accept this invitation. What do you do?
Answer: One speaker suggested that full-year of any kind of sport is unhealthy for a child's body and may result in more injuries. There is also the issue of your younger daughter competing with older girls who could also cause injuries because they are bigger. There is also the exposure to older girls thoughts and actions that a parent must consider. This also becomes a dominating variable in weekend schedules and family time. It's true that some families can make it work, e.g. by bringing the whole family to travel games. But in the end, one has to consider that not every World Championship soccer player had to play travel league soccer with older kids at age 14.
And it was also mentioned that not every successful adult has taken AP US History.
In walking into the lecture, a woman shared that her daughter is now in 5th grade. Her daughter had been an anxious kindergartner but then seemed to be managing ok. Now with the pressure of going to middle school, she was crippled with anxiety and has sought out medical treatment. It was also interesting that the speaker pointed out that in years past, depression was the biggest concern in our youth. And now the highest risk to our kids is anxiety.
See below for Tips to Help Your Child Thrive.
Hopefully, I've captured enough to give you a sense of the message that Challenge Success is trying to achieve. Hope it helps you find a parenting strategy that works for your family.
Please share your thoughts & questions. And if you enjoy this content, please help spread the word about our kindergarten online community.
Warmly,
Michele
Challenge Success website
PDF to tips sheet:
Sent from my mobile device
Hi Families,
I am going to a parenting talk by Challenge Success tonight.
Would you like to join me?
Challenge Success is an organization that formed as a result of the recent rise in Gunn High School teenage suicides. I've attended their talks in the past and have enjoyed them immensely. There is still space to register at the talk and tickets cost $10. Most of their other talks are free. Tonight's talk is from 7pm-9pm at Memorial Auditorium on Stanford Campus.
Here's an article that I came across that contains several quotes from Challenge Success founders.
I've also decided that I need to let my son start taking charge of getting out the door in the morning ( pack backpack, fill water bottle, find jacket, bike helmet) so will alert our teacher of our exercise and to expect some late slips. Experiencing failure is good for building resiliency.
Hope to see some of you at the Walkathon!
Cheers-
Michele
Begin forwarded message:
From: Challenge Success <ssa...@challengesuccess.org>
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IT'S NOT TOO LATE!
Get Your Tickets Now & Join Us on Friday Night.
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Last week, The New York Times Magazine posted this article on adolescent anxiety to its website and it was the cover story in Sunday’s print edition. Challenge Success provided some context to the topic via interviews with our Co-Founders Dr. Denise Pope and Dr. Madeline Levine. Within a day of posting, it was one of the top 5 articles viewed on the publication's website and the #1 article shared on Facebook.
We understand that today's kids face unique pressures living in an unprecedented culture of competition and overachievement. We coach schools to use our SPACE framework to implement strategies that reduce student stress and increase health and well-being. And, through our presentations, we encourage parents to resist society's narrow definition of success and support well-balanced children.
Of particular interest was the article's discussion of how adults – both parents and educators – find it difficult to know when to encourage kids to push forward beyond their comfort zone and when they should pull back. This is a very common struggle that most parents can relate to and one that does not have a "one size fits all" solution. For each child, it often takes trial and error and an individualized approach to find the most healthy, productive path.
The raw data can seem overwhelming as almost one-third of adolescents are affected by anxiety. While it may be disheartening to read stories like this, we are optimistic that such a high-profile article will bring attention and additional resources to this mental health issue, and that ultimately more kids will learn coping mechanisms to help themselves thrive.
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At Challenge Success, we believe that our society has become too focused on grades, test scores, and performance, leaving little time for kids to develop the necessary skills needed to become resilient, ethical, and engaged learners. We provide schools and families with the information and strategies they need to create a more balanced and academically fulfilling life for their kids. Learn more about our impact and how to support our mission. Challenge Success is a non-profit organization affiliated with the Stanford University Graduate School of Education.
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