Secret Friends

[Jamie Swearengin]

DearAnnie: My wife and I recently married after having been together for 15 years. It is a second marriage for both of us. Six years ago, I discovered that she had contacted an old friend from high school through Facebook. She initially didn't mention it to me, but then finally admitted she was meeting him for lunch to catch up on old times (even though they barely knew each other back then). I found out this happened three times, though she only told me about two.

We argued about this several times and I believed she had stopped contacting him. I recently found out that she is still in touch with this man via her cellphone, email and Facebook. His messages to her are just a bit more flirtatious than those of a platonic friend and she seems to enjoy the attention.

Annie, my wife tells me about all of her friends except this one. She never mentions him. I love my wife, but now suspect trouble is brewing. She is on the computer first thing in the morning and late at night for hours at a time. I do not like this man and she knows it. The fact that she secretly contacts him makes me feel that she is cheating.

I know he wants to meet her for lunch again. As far as I know, she has not agreed to do so, but if she does, I'm not sure I can handle it. If this is truly a platonic friendship, why is she hiding it from me? Is this normal? I know she reads your column, so your advice would be appreciated. -- Hurt and Betrayed in So Cal

Dear Hurt: If your wife is contacting another man secretly, it is a form of emotional cheating. She may have no intention of doing anything more than flirting, but hiding the conversations from you is upsetting and undermines your trust, making you suspect her motives, all of which is unhealthy for your marriage. We understand that the flirting makes her feel young and desirable, but that should be your department, not his. Please communicate these things to your wife. The two of you should clear the air and be honest about what you need from each other.

Years ago, when our sons were young, we really enjoyed having our yard as the place where the kids could hang out and play. But we had house rules and the kids knew them: You can't put your hands on the walls; you have to take off your shoes when you enter the house; and no foul language or fighting. Anyone who broke the rules would be banned from our yard for a week.

Now these "kids" are 40 and they call me "Dad" and my wife "Mom." They tell us that they appreciated those rules. As a matter of fact, when one of them stops by, he takes his shoes off before entering. I think it is his way of saying thank you. -- Dad

Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to annies...@creators.com, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254.

You should be transparent about this friendship, with the goal that your current partner will get to know Frederica well enough to accept the friendship and trust both of you. The two women do not need to become besties (or even meet). But the more natural you are about this friendship, the less threatening it should be.

This is a truly wonderful adventure brimming with gentle humour, gorgeous friendships, teamwork and a garden to save that I have no doubt will appeal hugely to young readers. I think readers will appreciate the message of protecting and nurturing nature so that plants and animals can survive and thrive. I think it also addresses big issues for young children in a sensitive way that will help them deal with changes such as moving home or schools.

The full-colour illustrations throughout are just beautiful and really add to the charm and warmth of this beautifully-told story. Close friendship, family and teamwork shine through in both the words and illustrations.

As our marriage continued to fall apart, all the friends that my husband had alienated over the years came to rally behind me as I contemplated leaving him. He had unknowingly set himself up for my friends to advise me to run for the hills.

When my divorce was finalized, my friendship with Michael quickly dissolved. I held no more allure for him as a single woman. He went back to his evasive ways. I went back to being the crazy insecure girl I was when I first met him. All of the friend stock I had thought we had built was suddenly gone.

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Although you might not be familiar with Hope Larson's work now, it's only a matter of time before you find yourself drawn in to her fantastic storytelling and dreamy imagery. Through the all-ages comics website Secret Friend Society (founded with Jellaby creator Kean Soo), her Salamander Dream found both a ready audience, as well as a print publisher, AdHouse Books. Currently working on Gray Horses for Oni Press, Hope took some time out of her schedule to answer a few questions for us.

Hope Larson: I'm from Asheville, North Carolina, but my husband is Canadian and we recently moved to the wonderful city of Halifax, Nova Scotia (located northeast of Maine). I started drawing comics a couple years ago during my last year of college, starting with an abortive stint on Girlamatic.com and a few experimental book arts projects. I followed those up with work in Flight and Flight 2, then conceived and drew Salamander Dream between October 2004 and February 2005, while I was miserable in Toronto and waiting to be approved as a permanent resident. I've also drawn short comics for True Porn 2, You Ain't No Dancer #1, and the Halifax alternative paper The Coast. A variety of minicomics are archived on my website (hopelarson.com).

ST: Salamander Dream is an excellent comic, first serialized on the all-ages website, Secret Friend Society, and now published by AdHouse Books. Can you talk a little bit about Salamander Dream? What made you decide to make an all-ages comic?

HL: Salamander Dream is my love letter to growing up in the Appalachians. I spent a lot of time outside as a kid, and I had a fertile imagination (although I don't remember having an imaginary friend). I never intended to draw an all-ages comic, but that's how it worked out.

HL: Kean and I discovered we were working independently on comics about imaginary friends, so we decided to join forces, share our fanbase, and hopefully attract publishers. Now that I've moved on to other things there's a new contributor lined up; I can't say who, but he's got some great work which is quite different from both Jellaby and Salamander Dream.

HL: I have a general art school background from Rochester Institute of Technology and the School of the Art Institute of Chicago, but I've never studied comics. That's part of what attracted me to them — it's a little bit like the wild west. You can come from any background, and as long as you put in the work you can become a successful cartoonist.

HL: The first comic book I read was an Astrix BD when I was seven or eight. The last one I read was the Drawn & Quarterly Showcase #3. The comics that most changed my view of the medium are probably Ghost World and Jimmy Corrigan, which came along at important times and opened my eyes.

HL: I waste way too much time on the internet! Fortunately I have a good work ethic, for which I have my Foundations professors at RIT to thank. Before I start drawing, I figure out how many pages I can realistically do in a week (six) and give myself a deadline based on that. My computer e-mails me every Sunday and tell me how many pages I should have finished by then.

ST: You have a background in printmaking; what is it about that field that seems so conducive to comics-making? It seems like if you scratch a minicomic creator, you'll find a printmaking BFA. Did you find it a natural progression to move from that field into sequential art?

HL: Actually, I started working with comics and printmaking at the same time. It makes sense, though, because printmaking is a reproductive process. Screenprinting and comics even share a reputation as being particularly low art.

HL: Cliff Wun, who teaches at the Rochester Institute of Technology. He's one of those professors whose students would either kill for him or want to kill him. He demands 100% effort on every project, and if you put in 100% but fail anyway, he'll let you know; at the same time, he loves all forms of art so much that you can't avoid being taken in. More than anyone else he's responsible for making me think and push myself.

ST: There are a lot of metaphysical elements in your work (like the minicomics Compound Eye or Edible God), and a lot of intriguing symbolism and imagery. It really seems to tackle describing the often indescribable. can you talk a little bit about that aspect of what you do? (Woo, how's that for a vague question?)

HL: In my first minicomics I was struggling with storytelling and wasn't sure what I had to say. I decided to put my energy into experimenting with form and visual language, so when I came up with a story to tell I'd be ready. Even though I now script everything before drawing, I try to keep it a little bit loose so I can play around and keep myself engaged.

ST: Do you find it difficult creating a story that's clearly made in a very personal visual language, only to then release that story out into the unknown world of the average comics reader? Have you found people taking away ideas or reading meaning into your work that you didn't intend?

HL: I'm in the middle of drawing another graphic novel, Gray Horses, for Oni Press. It's loosely inspired by the time I spent in Chicago, and various other things. Next, I'm hoping to start working on an original young adult series for girls. I'm hoping to dip my toes in self-publishing for that one, but we'll see!

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