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One Sunday morning, a mother
went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church,
to which he replied, "I'm not going."
"Why not?" she asked.
I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like
me, and (2), I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go
to church:
(1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"
The Picnic A
Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July
picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the
rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion,
but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You
don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried
Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going
to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your
wedding."
The Usher
An elderly woman walked into the local country
church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the
flight of steps.
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row, please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The
pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No," he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No," she said.
"Good," he answered.
Show and Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show
and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an
object that represented their religion to share with the class.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is
Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is
Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is
Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."
The Best Way To Pray
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the
best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby
"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest
said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing
with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective
prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he
interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin'
upside down from a telephone pole."
The Twenty and the One
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly
distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be
retired.
As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a
conversation.
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the
country.
"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why
I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New
York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean
."
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an
exciting life!"
"So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been
throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church ,
the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church ."
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"
Goat for Dinner The
young couple invited their elderly pastor
for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing
the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure
about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today
is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.' "
Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth.
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