Morning Musiings
Jeffrey Angelson
Morning Musings
It’s 4:39 a.m.
The sky is beginning to lighten, though the sun has not yet risen.
I’m lying in bed thinking about many things.
Jill said she would call before leaving for a few days. She didn’t.
I called my sister yesterday. She didn’t call back.
Thoughts arise about what these things mean.
Then another realization appears.
Perhaps they don’t mean anything.
Or perhaps they mean something that will only reveal itself in time.
Relationships seem to unfold moment by moment. One conversation changes things. Another conversation changes them again. What appears fixed today may look completely different tomorrow.
I notice my mind saying, “She should have called.”
Maybe she should have.
But I also notice that what Jill does is Jill.
What my sister does is my sister.
Life continues to move through countless variables beyond my understanding or control.
What is most striking this morning is not the thoughts themselves.
The thoughts are there.
The feelings in the body are there.
A slight discomfort arises now and then.
Yet all of it seems to be happening within a deeper peace.
Not the peace that comes from getting what I want.
Not the peace that comes from certainty.
Not the peace that comes from solving a problem.
Just peace.
The thoughts do not disturb it.
The feelings do not disturb it.
Even the sense of “me” thinking about all this seems to be another appearance within it.
For years I searched for peace as though it were something to attain.
This morning it feels more like the opposite.
The peace was already here.
The thoughts came and went.
The stories came and went.
The movie changed scenes.
The peace remained.
And another thought arises.
Perhaps all of these things—the thoughts, the feelings, the people, the conversations that happen and the ones that don’t—are co-creating one thing.
This moment.
The moment is eternal, yet it is never still.
It is constantly changing, endlessly unfolding, and completely unpredictable.
Maybe that movement itself is what we call life.
Nothing personal.
Just life expressing itself as this.
A profound shift, perhaps.
Not something I accomplished.
Not something I did.
Simply something noticed.
The movie keeps changing.
The peace remains.
The sun is coming up now.
And there is a walk wanting to happen.
Not because it is a good idea.
Not because I should.
Not because I have decided to.
Just the simple knowing that it is going to happen.
Life moving toward the morning.