quynzah ellsya kerman
Agata Schweiss
So glad I found this forum and hope my ramblings today will make sense to someone out there. I recently lost my husband to alcohol, and although he had other medical issues it was ultimately his drinking that killed him.
Since his passing I have gone through many emotions, anger being the predominant one. Angry at him for giving in to it, angry at me for failing him, angry at medical professionals for failing him. Trust me, if I had a milkman I would probably find something to pin on him too.
Aside from myself and our children, none of his family were aware he had an issue and were stunned to find out after his death. I thought I was doing the right thing in keeping his secret but now I am questioning every decision I ever made
With the exception that my husband is not dead (albeit not living a very full life) I would echo everything you say. My husband is a lovely man when not drinking. I miss that man very much. Unfortunately that man is now almost totally consumed by alcohol. Instead, he suffers from depression and anxiety, who loathes himself and is not coping at all.
I have amazing support at home from family and friends and am just trying to focus on the positives of our life and also the future. There is no way I will let this dreadful addiction ruin my life as well as his.
While substance use disorders are often the first to come to mind, addiction exists in many forms, including behavioral addictions. Liquor is the umbrella term for hard alcoholic drinks or spirits like tequila, vodka, gin, rum and whiskey. Because alcohol is legal and widely accepted in society, it can be hard to tell the difference between casual use and abuse. -addiction/alcohol-abuse-addiction/signs-symptoms-and-side-effects-of-alcohol/
My ex-fianc was an alcoholic who developed the addiction later in our relationship, while living together. Matter of fact, he hardly ever drank when we first were dating. He used alcohol and Benzodiazepines to cope with the divorce that occurred before we began dating, and being geographically far from his children (he had them every other weekend), we lived about an hour and 15 minutes from them, and he said the weekends would go by way too quickly. When he dropped them off home, I would notice he would take longer and longer to come back. He would come home and take his Klonopin, but then started to mix it with vodka. I was terrified. I knew he was in trouble.
It is completely understandable and normal that you would miss him. In your husband, you saw a human being who despite the curse of alcoholism, you loved unconditionally and deeply. You spend more than three decades with him and you were compassionate despite the toughest of circumstances. I have the greatest respect and admiration for you. My situation was very similar. I was married for 30 years. I had three children with my husband. He was the love of my life. His earlier years battling alcoholism were much more severe and they left a permanent scar on me which I was apparently unable to erase from my mind. Towards the end, he had mellowed significantly. He was actually a lovely person. I feel as though I was the one who messed it all up. One night, I sensed that he had been drinking and I asked him how he could have done this to us again and I left the house with my daughter. He took his life that evening and that man who shared my life with me is gone.
Hey i just want to point out when you said did he really care for me and my answer is yes he did, im an addict im currently terrified to get help but im going to but please understand no matter the way we are and the way we come across we love our families sometimes we are just to scared to admit how bad it is incase we disappoint our loved ones and i am talking through experience where i am currently terrified to admit and hurt my family, im so sorry for your loss but he loved you and dont ever forget that xx
My husband did go through the motions of getting outside help but he never truly believed he had a problem. He was due to go into rehab but decided to have one ladt hurrah which effectively was the beginning of the end.
Guilt is such a common theme in each of these stories. It is the kind of hopeless and pointless emotion that drags us back into despair and self-questioning. Many people urged me to leave my husband over the years but I never did. I stayed. Yes, I was angry and cruel sometimes but I was a normal human being who was dealing with a very abnormal situation. Sometimes my reactions to the deception were completely out of control. I believe that alcoholism distorts our normal thinking and throws our emotions into chaos so that we behave as different people. When alcoholism takes its final toll, we as the ones who loved our husbands with all our hearts are left holding all the wreakage from the past. But it is not good and it is not productive. We have to be strong for our children and for ourselves as well and we have to make it our priority to find a way back to healing and to life.
He always liked a drink but lockdown in March 2020 exasperated this he just lost the battle being at home 247 the demons in his head took over. In December 2020 I decided my teenage needed a safe haven for their own mental health so we moved out of the family home, I also thought this would make my husband realise he needed to seek professional support, he promised me he would and I promised as soon as he did we would move back, sadly he never did.
the week after i left our next door neighbour called to say Mike had been found dead on the kitchen floor im devastated i only spoke to him that morning he said he was going to get help i carnt believe i left him to die on his own, i so wish i was with him when he died just to hold him and tell him everything is going to be ok dont know how to cope without him.
its just so sad he was such a wonderful caring man but as you said he didnt care about anything on the end id be out for work for 13 hours and he hadnt even let my dog out or fed her he no concept of time just drank and slept.
im usually quite outgoing but i feel like i dont want to go out anymore or go to work x i lived in Mikes house for the last 2 years since he didnt make a will im homeless living with my daughter sleeping in my granddaughters bed x im so glad ive got my family around me and feel so sorry for people who dont x im 53 devastated guilty and homeless dont know where to turn xx
It is such a sad sad thing to lose your love to a disease that systematically destroys any semblance of family and loyalty and love. There is no guidebook for us because our loss is colored by resentment, guilt and anger. I am glad I have found this space to express all of this. There is nothing rambling about your thoughts. Never ever feel that way. This is my first day to this group but I have a feeling it will be a place of healing.
Reading your words though, I am still angry at my husbands GP. He did not help in any way. If he could have explained the condition in the way you have I an sure I would have done things differently. He could at least advised me of people to speak to.
This is exactly how I feel. I had counselling and was told to try and remember the good times. But for me the bad times outweigh the good memories, and I even start to question the good times. Mad eh?
Sounds harsh but you need to look after you and your son. You can try all you want but your husband has to want to make changes. In my case when he did agree to get proper help it was too little too late.
I am going to try and see my gp (easier said than done). Back home after work to find him flat out and an empty bottle, cant even get 2 words out if him, and worry he will never get back to work or talk.
My (still loved but by the time of his death ex) partner of 12 years died in April 2023. And *warning* that this post contains some graphic descriptions of some of the realities of just how badly his alcoholism turned out for him and all of us who cared about him. It took away his intelligence, his health, his finances, his morality, his personal relationships and eventually his life.
Our relationship had deteriorated a lot in the years before his death and while we were still living together, as I could no longer handle sleeping with him with the strong ethanol smell emitting from his body, the vomiting, and finally the constant defecating in his pants, all caused by the alcohol. He in turn felt personally rejected by this, and went on sex sites to complain to women about my lack of interest in him.
I repartnered and moved interstate to South Australia in late 2022 and my alcoholic former partner was in turns angry and distressed by this development. He said many spiteful things to me, in his distress but also often begged me to return to him.
When discharging him in February, the local hospital tried to get me to take responsibility for him as his next of kin. I explained I was not even staying in the same state and could no longer care for him. They discharged him anyway, that time and twice more before the final time he was taken there.
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