Decompiling Oppression #65
Sam McVeety
No one ever expects to be pregnant when they take birth control, right? And logically you know, even with perfect use, using birth control pills is only 99% effective. You never think you'll be in the outlier. I'd been with a high school boyfriend and took birth control while I was with him, and never had a pregnancy scare. And I'd stressed myself out to the point where I'd missed a period before, and so I wasn't really thinking about it until I was just super run down all the time. I couldn't ever get enough sleep. I was working on a theatre production and my parents were in the middle of a very long anticipated divorce, so I just chalked it up to emotional and physical exhaustion and tried to sleep a little more. My clothes fit a little differently, but I've always struggled with my relationship to food so I assumed I'd been eating too much to cope with emotions that I wasn't prepared to deal with.
When I took a drink of coffee and it didn't taste right, I immediately knew something was wrong. The nausea wasn't from eating poorly or not eating enough. The clothes weren't fitting weird because I was eating too much chinese take-out and taking in a lot of salt. I had to be pregnant. And I'll never forget the absolute panic that coursed through my veins, because the only thing that I was thinking of was the fact that my boyfriend (at the time, now thankfully ex boyfriend) had made an offhand comment that his mom would raise our baby if we accidentally got pregnant. I laughed, but he didn't. There were probably a lot of reasons he had made that comment, but the one that always sticks in my craw is that he was raised Catholic so abortion was something that, when we talked about it, always made him uncomfortable to think about, let alone ponder as a choice. I don't really know how much that was a factor in what he had said versus how his mom had always said she wanted another baby but couldn't have another one and he just wanted to make her happy, but I could Monday-morning-quarterback that conversation for the rest of my life. What I do know is that he was totally serious. He was convinced that I would just give a baby up, to his mother of all people. Nevermind that I didn't want to have a baby at 19. Anyone who knows me knows that I want nothing more than to be a mom. But at 19? Hell, I'm just about 26 now and if I got pregnant now the conversation might look different, but it would still have to be a conversation. At 19 there was no doubt in my mind what I needed to do, but I couldn't tell anyone. I couldn't let him find out that I was going to have an abortion.
Looking back, I probably could've said something to my parents. My friends from home. But my ex? He still doesn't know. I couldn't ask a friend for a ride to the store because I would've had to tell them why. I thought about how things could've been different as I walked to the Walgreens down the road from campus and bought a pregnancy test and a water bottle. Nothing really would've changed, but I couldn't help let my mind wander to what would've been different if I had a partner I could've gone to with this. If I didn't have to do this on my own. I drank the water on my walk home, and ended up laying in bed until 1am, staying awake longer than I usually did so I could take the test in private. Well, as private as you can get in a communal dorm bathroom. Which, unsurprisingly, at 1am is pretty private. I sat on the floor of a dorm bathroom while I set the timer on my phone for three minutes, but I didn't need it. I stared at the test, waiting for the second line that I knew was coming to appear. And appear it did.
I thought about calling Planned Parenthood that moment, but remembered that no one would be there and I would have to wait until the morning. I called before going to class, after my roommate had left for the day. I had to schedule the appointment, and lie to my ex that I had an appointment that I just couldn't miss. And while that was technically true, I didn't tell him what it was for. The appointment for a medication abortion itself is uneventful; just an ultrasound and some forms and options counseling, and then when you sign the paperwork they hand you a pill and send you home with four more to be taken 24-48 hours later.
So I drove home with an empty bank account and these pills in my purse, knowing that the second I took them I would be out of commission. I had promised the nurse practitioner that I would take a couple of days off, but I just...couldn't. I had a lab the next day that I couldn't miss. I had a show I was working on to get up on its feet. I had to pretend like everything was fine. And until I took the misoprostol, I was fine. It was easy to pretend like nothing was happening. But the cramping and the bleeding from that miso dose is next level. Never in my life have I been sicker. They tell you at the appointment if you pass clots the size of lemons, it's totally normal. It doesn't feel normal, I can tell you that much. And I had to pretend like I was totally fine. Show up to my bio lab, to performances, and commitments I had made and pretend I wasn't having what is essentially the worst period I've ever had. And I don't regret a single second of it. If I had to do it again, I probably would've tried to schedule it around my schedule, but I was so worried I would be out of time that I just took the soonest available appointment without a single regard to my schedule. And eventually it got manageable, and then bearable, and then just a bit of a bother every once in a while. The bleeding slowed, the cramping went away, the weight was gone, and I could drink coffee again. I got to finish school, travel, start my career, and meet my current partner (who against his better judgment has decided he wants to marry me so he REALLY likes me). My ex has a new partner, a house, and a dog. And we don't speak at all. And we don't have to, because we don't share a five year old.
Five years later, I don't think about my abortion as anything more than the next right thing I did my spring semester of my sophomore year. And now, with Roe having fallen, I know that if abortion becomes the next right thing for me ever again, I will never have trouble accessing it. I have a supportive partner, health insurance that covers abortion, and a job that allows me to take the days I need to recover. Even if I ever move to a state that restricts access to abortion, it will still be an accessable option for me. And when it really comes down to it, plenty of people have been living in a post-Roe world for a long time. Laws like targeted restrictions on abortion providers, parental consent, and waiting periods make it hard for low income, rural, BIPOC, queer, and/or young patients to access the care they're entitled to. Laws that have made it so during Roe, there were seven states that had one single abortion clinic. Laws that make minors travel through multiple states to find a state where they can get an abortion they want and need without telling their parents. Some states don't have coverage in their Medicaid program for abortion services, so patients who can't afford basic necessities also don't have coverage for a medical service just because it's abortion. If they needed to set a broken arm or have their tonsils removed, it wouldn't even be a question. These barriers have been in place long before the overturning of Roe. And now that it's gone, the people who will be most impacted are going to suffer even more. Those who do not want to have children or add children to their already complete families will be forced to. And this will come to the detriment of their financial security, their education, their jobs, and their lives as a whole will be changed forever. And not to mention much more dangerous situations that can be brought on by an unintended pregnancy. A pregnancy can tie a person to an abusive partner for 18+ years, and intimate partner violence can either start or ramp up during pregnancy. Something like 3-9% of pregnant people report an increase in IPV while they're pregnant, and it's already a very vulnerable state in the best circumstances. And that's not including those who will take their own life because they would rather be dead than carry a pregnancy to term.
There are so many reasons that a person would need an abortion. And none of them matter. The only reason that matters is that they need it. The idea that abortions should be free, convenient, and on demand for anyone who wants one shouldn't be so radical, but I get funny looks when I tell people I think no one should have to drive more than two hours to receive an abortion that costs exactly as much as a pack of birth control pills (which is nothing, by the way). That's what equity looks like to me.
I didn't really share this with a lot of people before 2019. I still really don't. One question I never get is "would you do it again?" I think partly because everyone knows that I would absolutely do it again if I had to. I get to live this super cool life because I had the choice to plan my family on my terms. My heart is broken for everyone who is going to have to hear a no, or who can't figure out a solution to a problem they didn't create because the odds are just so stacked against them. And carrying a pregnancy to term isn't going to make those odds better. Everyone should have the choice to do their next right thing, and nothing, no one should be standing in the way of it.
Guest entry from AB
Here are this week's invitations:
Personal: What is your abortion story? What abortion stories might you not know?
Communal: How can we prioritize care and support for each other, especially those most in need, through this difficult time?
Solidarity: Support the Northwest Abortion Access Fund and their work to envision a world where people can easily access safe, legal abortion care with respect, dignity, and compassion.
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