they want the sweet ride but not the title
Stephen Elliott
I broke up with my boyfriend a couple months ago but still feel guilty
when I get it on with other people, and I only fantasize about him. I
want him OUT of my head! Help.
Still Hung Up
Dear SHU,
A couple of months? Please, child. Give yourself six months before you
hit the Backslide Button. Also, I note the use of the phrase "get it
on with other people." Call me old-fashioned, but I suspect if you
were really torn up - like, Juliet-style torn up - you'd be locked up
in your room with some bad serum.
You've also neglected any mention of why you broke up with your
boyfriend. I'm going to offer a stab in the dark, and no, not the
sexual kind. I'm going to guess that he didn't attend to your
emotional needs and that, while you found him super sexilicious, you
finally got fed up and executed dumpage. Now, because you no longer
expect him to attend to your emotional needs, you're left to focus on
the good stuff and stuck with dumper's remorse.
It's also possible that you have some masochistic impulses when it
comes to romance - welcome to the club, honey - and idealizing this
guy is a convenient form of punishment.
It's also possible that you feel residual guilt from dumping him.
It's also possible that this guy's staying power in your mind is an
indication that you made a mistake.
All these things are possible, SHU, and might be acting in concert.
So here's Sugar's advice: stop distracting yourself with new cock and
give some thought as to what your ex meant to you and why you handed
him his walking papers and why he's still in your brainpan and (most
of all) what you want from a relationship.
I'd do all this for you, but I've got a new pool boy who needs to
check my PH balance.
**
Dear Sugar,
My boyfriend and I broke up four months ago. But by broke up I mean
we've seen each other once, twice, sometimes four times a week for sex
(save the few weeks he was out of town or I was out of commission).
But it's not just sex. It's all the other stuff too, the love and the
talking and the eating and the watching the setting sun shine through
his hair. But still we remain broken up. How can this be?
Sex + Hanging Out + Love = Relationship, Right?
Baffled
Dear Baff,
Sounds like you've got a nomenclature problem. Either that, or you've
got a weasely cockhammer who wants all the benefits of a relationship
with none of the duties.
There's two ways to pursue this matter.
The first is: screw the nomenclature. We've got our mojo working. No
broke. No fix.
The second is: Huh? If we're together in heart and deed, then why not
in name?
It's clear to me that your thinking falls into the latter category.
(Why else would you seek advice from an on-line advice columnist with
a significant criminal record?) It's also clear from your letter that
you're guy - despite his wonderful, sun-drenched hair - is taking
advantage of your lay-zay-fair.
So you've got options. You can try to quiet your misgivings and ride
this thing out until a) he's ready to admit that you're together or b)
you're secure enough in your togetherness to not care about the
nomenclature.
If this doesn't work - and something tells me it won't - you're pretty
much stuck with option #2, which is to present this quandary to your
beloved. I'm going to bet, uh, a trillion dollars, that he's going to
say something like, "I hear what you're saying, but, you know, I just
like where we're at right now, babe." Which is Malespeak for "Drop it
before I'm forced to tell the truth." This is just how evolution
designed our penised pals: they want the sweet ride, not the title.
But this is really up to you, Baff. My general approach is to insist
on clear lines of communication in romantic matters, because men tend
to take advantage of vagary, particularly when it comes to commitment.
You'd do well to revisit the reasons for the breakup, as unpleasant as
that may sound.
Boil it down and you wind up with the same stew: to thine own self be
true. Know what you're in, before you sin. And que sera sera.
***
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