5-10-09
Stephen Elliott
I recently learned that a friend of mine is not able to orgasm because
she was abused as a child. This made sense to me so I didn’t think
much of it. When another friend confided in me that she’s only had one
orgasm in the eight years of being with the same partner, I questioned
if perhaps her and her boyfriend are not sexually compatible. You see
after six months of intimacy with my husband, I orgasm every single
time (unless he has to stop just as I’m about to orgasm because it’s
not a safe time during the month and we don’t want to get pregnant)and
we’ve been together for almost six years so I know it’s not because
we’re still in the “honeymoon phase.” In fact, in the last two years
I’ve started to experience multiple orgasms so it’s only getting
better with time. I just assumed that once a couple learns how to bond
physically, their bodies adapt to one another and become in tune with
one another (whenever I start to climax so does my husband, and
whenever he holds back, it prevents me from going, so our bodies have
kind of learned to go together at the same time).
Anyway, that same friend told me that my situation was not the norm,
and so I began to ask other friends about their frequency of orgasms.
I was shocked to learn that it appears that I am the freak. None of
them orgasm regularly, some never have, and some think they might have
come close a few times but aren’t sure. One friend suggested that
maybe I’m more wired like a man, because only men orgasm every time. I
don’t think I’m wired like a man. I’m very girly. I’ve never
masterbated [sic]. I’m not an especially horny person. I’ve only ever
had sex with my husband and we don’t watch pornography movies or use
sex toys. We don’t even experiment with many different positions -
just very good traditional sex. Do you think it’s possible that maybe
all of my friend’s vaginas are confused by multiple partners, toys,
oral/anal and all these other stimulants that make it difficult for
their bodies to know what they are suppose to respond to in order to
orgasm? I’d like to believe that I climax with my husband because I’m
making love to my soul mate, but maybe my sexuality is abnormal? I’d
appreciate your thoughts on this orgasm issue that just baffles me!
Thanks so much,
Too Sexually Satisfied For A Woman
P.S. The group of friends I referred to are between the ages of 25 and
34 if that makes any difference. I have heard that women are supposed
to reach their sexual peak at something like 40…I’m 26 so maybe I
reached mine too soon and my girlfriends just need more time?
Dear Too Satisfied,
I’m not sure what you’re asking me. Your letter is full of self-
congratulation masquerading as earnest inquiry. You seem to want to
announce to the world both your moral rectitude and your wondercooch.
But okay, if you’re honestly curious about the mechanics of female
pleasure, there’s plenty of data out there. Start with the Kinsey
Report. It will inform you that there are all sorts of women, of all
ages, who orgasm easily and repeatedly, and others who have trouble
reaching climax.
Let me allow the wonderful author Mary Gordon to elaborate here. This
excerpt is lifted from her novel Spending:spending
He put his head between my legs, nuzzling at first. His beard
was a little rough on the insides of my thighs. Then with his lips,
then his tongue, he struck fire. I had to cry out in astonishment,
in gratitude at being touched in that right place. Somehow, it
always makes me grateful when a man finds the right place,
maybe because when I was young so many of them kept finding
the wrong place, or a series of wrong places, or no place at all.
That strange feeling: gratitude and hunger. My hunger was being
teased. It also felt like a punishment. I kept thinking of the word
“thrum,” a cross between a throb and hum. I saw a flame trying
to catch; I heard it, there was something I was after, something I
was trying to achieve, and there was always the danger that I’d
miss it, I wouldn’t find it, or get hold of it. The terrible moment
when you’re afraid you won’t, you’ll lose it, it won’t work, you
won’t work, it is unworkable and you are very, very desperate. At
the same time, you want to stay in this place of desperation . . .
at the same time, you’re saying to yourself, you’re almost there,
you’re almost there, you can’t possibly lose it now, keep on, keep
on a bit longer, you are nearly there, I know it, don’t give up, you
cannot lose it. Then suddenly you’re there.
I hope this clears some things up, though in your case I tend to doubt
it will. It’s a complicated business, and comparison games of the sort
you’re promoting only make matters worse.
One place where you may be on to something, though: the multiple
partners and toys and “stimulants” do suggest a confusion – but of the
heart, not the loins.
P.S. “Masturbate.” Whether or not you ever did it, please spell it
correctly.
**
ask sugar a question: su...@therumpus.net
**
Dear Sugar,
A neighbor friend of mine recently turned 40 and had two affairs (one
short, one lasting) with co-workers. I told her it was a mistake, that
she might fall in love with the long-term guy and then be in real
trouble and have to make a Decision. The affair has gone on for almost
a year and she now says she’s in love. Long-term guy is fucking her
and (at least) another married woman. You
should also know:
*She has two young kids at home
*Her husband is a sourpuss, and she comes home from working her ass
off to find him playing Webkinz on the couch.
*They don’t have enough money to get divorced (she believes)
*She’s in therapy
*She wants my advice on what to do
And, of course,
*We live in the suburbs.
What should I tell her, Sugar, if anything?
Friend to Mid-Life Mamma
Dear Friend,
OMG, do you live on Peyton Place too? Seriously: how is it that you
know all this stuff? And how does it bear on YOUR life? That’s what
I’d be asking, if I were in your particular quasi-pickle. Because –
bottom line – your neighbor/friend/whatever is clearly lost, and in a
way that transcends whatever you might tell her, no matter how well
crafted or intended. I saw a lot of this in Coffee Creek, back when I
was serving time for unnamed crimes. There’d be some big tough broad
sauntering across the yard and the next thing I knew she was laying
her cheek on my lap and blubbering about her man and her other man and
her little ones and she had this offer from the state if she would
give up custody of the little ones but how could she do that,
especially when their auntie was a skank addict who only took them in
for their social security payments? And I’m listening to all this,
thinking, ‘What the fuck can I tell you that you don’t know, and have
chosen to disregard, already?’
It’s unclear to me whether you have a family, Friend. But if you do,
spend your time and empathy on them. If you want to give your troubled
comrade a little dose of truth, or Christian mercy, go right ahead.
But don’t get snagged in an emotional rubbernecking scenario. The
world already has enough Reality TV programming, without your adding
to the burden.
And if this sounds a tad brutal, remind yourself that she’s got a
therapist on the payroll, allegedly helping her sort out the mess
she’s made. It’s not like she’s without the capacity for informed
decision making. The ultimate question is whether she can face the
truth of who she is. She’s on her own for that one, as are we all.
**
Dear Sugar,
What does “que sera sera” mean?
Thanks,
A Quick Questioner
Dear Quick,
It’s Esperanto for “find a dictionary, dude.”
**
ask sugar a question: su...@therumpus.net