Bastard Of Istanbul Quotes

[Adam Makin]

VillanelleIf I'd known getting married would be this much fun, I'd have done it loads more by now. When I first met Maria, I thought, "Great shoes." But then I learned there's so much more to her than that. She also has a great house and a pool and a tailor, hairdresser - really is the all around excellent package.

Carolyn: Paul was once the rising star of MI6 until he defected to the other side.

Paul: I don't think the foreign office can be considered the other side, Carolyn.

Carolyn: Don't you?

Paul: I'm back now, with bells on.

Carolyn: So we can hear you coming.

Kenny: You should come to the office after work for beers. I'm there most evenings and weekends. I think you could do with people - or something. You don't seem very-

Eve: No, Kenny, I'm fine.

Kenny: I know. You just don't seem very happy

Eve: Who says I want to be happy?

Carolyn: That website has you working at the weekend?

Kenny: You had me working at the weekend.

Carolyn: That's because people get murdered at the weekend.

Kenny: And it's not a website! It's an online publication.

Carolyn: Oh, very good.

Carolyn: Can you ask them to change that music? It's terribly dreary.

Geraldine: Today isn't about pretending we're not sad, mom. It's about acknowledging the sadness together.

Carolyn: Couldn't we be sad and listen to good music?

Villanelle: Why can't I just do the work and he watch? So much easier.

Dasha: Management is not easy. It's watching someone do job worse than you. That's why it sucks. To be keeper, that takes patience and responsibility. You need both.

Villanelle: I don't have both. I have neither.

Villanelle: How do you know I'm back with The Twelve?

Konstantin: Because I never stopped working for them. You know I care about you.

Villanelle: I know you're full of shit.

Konstantin: Can't it be both?

Carolyn: Oh, get over it, Eve. I have all my best thoughts in the bath. If Mo can manage, you can.

Mo: I haven't looked up in ten minutes.

[doorbell rings]

Carolyn: Who's that?

Eve: Our Bitter Pill representative. I invited him before I knew this meeting was in a bathroom.

Eve: So we have the burner phone and the thumb drive. What else do we have to go on?

[silence]

Eve: Excellent. Good meeting.

Jamie: Meetings have biscuits.

Carolyn: You can have a biscuit when you tell me what the point of you is.

Jamie: Planning on analyzing those yourself then, are you?

Carolyn: I think the world's foremost intelligence agency might handle it.

Jamie: What, that public school what ho-ing old boy's network?

Carolyn: I don't think a beer fridge and a beanbag breakout area gives you any great insight into global politics.

Eve: Enough! Carolyn, you and Mo take th phone. We'll take the thumb thingy cause you know what we do from now on? We share.

Geraldine: Wow, that is literally the most parenting this household has ever seen.

Villanelle: No.

Dasha: No? What do you mean, no?

Villanelle: It's too soon. I have to prepare. I'm not ready. How about that?

Dasha: Not ready for London? All you need is anorak and face like cheese.

Eve: Kenny and I were looking into an international organization. Okay, before I go on, you have to understand that once I tell you about them, your lives are in danger.

Jamie & Bear: Then don't tell us.

Eve: They're called the Twelve.

Villanelle: I want to smell powerful. I want to make people gag with it. Can you do that for me? I want to smell like a Roman centurion who's coming across an old foe who in battle once hurt him greatly.

Geraldine: I think it's wonderful you're letting people in. We all need intimacy in our live, even people who keep secrets for a living.

Carolyn: Nonsense. There are monks in China who go years without seeing another human being. Emily Bronte hardly left the house.

Eve: I was unfaithful to my husband. I put him in so much danger he ended up in hospital with PTSD.

Jamie: I took my kid to the zoo when I was high on ketamine.

Eve: I stabbed someone.

Jamie: GBH charge when I was 18.

Eve: I left a man to die so I could save a psychopath.

Jamie: My best friend died on drugs that I gave him.

Eve: I...Jesus, really?

Jamie: Do not think that you are the only self loathing asshole in the room ever. Choices, Eve. It's all about choices.

Dasha: Did you do anything when you were [in London]?

Villanelle: A Jack the Ripper walking tour.

Dasha: Why are you lying to me?

Villanelle: I'm not. I gained valuable insight into Victorian gender politics.

Konstantin: What's got you in such a good mood?

Villanelle: It's Eve's birthday today.

Konstantin: But you shot her and ruined her marriage. Isn't that enough?

Villanelle: Mustache is gone?

Konstantin: I need you-

Villanelle: To do something for me.

Konstanin: Something personal. Off-

Villanelle: The record?

Konstantin: I really hate it when you do that!

Villanelle: I'll do it.

Konstantin: But please do it nicely. Something efficient.

Villanelle: You want it nice or you want it efficient?

Bor'ka: What do you think Elton would eat when he's in Berlin?

Villanelle: Currywurst with paprika.

Bor'ka: Istanbul?

Villanelle: Kebab. Go to Lezzet's. Ask for Ayaz.

Bor'ka: Vienna.

Villanelle: Great ice cream in Vienna.

Bor'ka: Athens?

Villanelle: Taramasalata.

Hlne: I've been watching you.

Villanelle: Uh, watching me in a kinky way?

Hlne: You're remarkable.

Villanelle: Are you trying to seduce me?

Hlne: Do you know why I wanted to meet you in person?

Villanelle: To watch me some more?

Konstantin: And your mother?

Villanelle: ...

Konstantin: No, Villanelle!

Villanelle: She deserved it.

Konstantin: Of course she deserved it. Everyone's mother deserves it. But you're not supposed to do it. You were supposed to grow up and realize she isn't actually evil.

Villanelle: I don't want to talk about it!

Carolyn: Are you working for them, Paul?

Paul: Excuse me?

Carolyn: Are you?

Paul: Are you, Carolyn?

Carolyn: Why on earth would you ask me that?

Paul: The same reason you asked me - because we don't trust each other.

Carolyn: Should I? Trust you?

Paul: Heavens no. None of us are to be trusted. That's why we work here.

Carolyn: Quite.

Irina: You know how annoying it is when you have to be around two people in love? Well, imagine one of those people is your mom. It's disgusting. He's disgusting.

Villanelle: If he's that bad, kill him.

Irina: You're a real role model, you know that?

Carolyn: I could pretend to enjoy wonky carrot stew and listen to gong bells and all the other inane things that interest you but I don't because I can't lie. I know other parents do. They tell their children they're wonderful at this and great at that but I just don't have that gene.

Hlne: Do you know why I love you, Villanelle? Because you're an agent of chaos and I love chaos. Chaos disrupts. It rips apart and starts again. It's like a forest fire. It burns. It kills. It's monstrous but it's beautiful. You're a beautiful monster, Villanelle.

Hlne: Do you have anything you would like to get off your chest, Villanelle? Has something happened recently?

Villanelle: I did something bad to my mother.

Hlne: Whatever it is, you can tell me. I don't want us to keep secrets from each other.

Villanelle: I took a shit in her shoe when I was three. A really big one.

Carolyn: Three trips to Waitrose and an abortive attempt at hot yoga.

Mo: It's just standard white person stuff. I've been tracking him for a week and there's nothing to suggest he's working for the Twelve - unless they've branched out into groceries and hot vinyasa.

Carolyn: Jokes are for people who do their jobs correctly, Mo. So are omelettes.

Mo: Do you want me to make up evidence?

Carolyn: No, I want you to uncover the evidence that already exists which you haven't worked hard enough to expose.

Mo: Are you sure that Paul's a member of the Twelve?

Carolyn: A bottle of chablis, a stir fry kit, and a bath bomb - what does that say to you?

Mo: That he's planning a lovely evening in?

Carolyn: Or that he's trying to seem that he is. Trust me, that vintage of chablis is undrinkable.

Carolyn: Eve, I won't have my investigation derailed by an undiagnosed and, frankly, a little trying, messiah complex.

Eve: Wow, I'm the one with the messiah complex? Carolyn, why did we start this? Any of it?

Carolyn: Information, intelligence gathering. To compile a comprehensive filofax of despots, maniacs, and extremists in case we want to throw a Christmas bash.

Psychiatrist: Your daughter is extremely bright.

Konstantin: Believe me, it's a nightmare getting told "go eat a dick" in Icelandic.

Psychiatrist: She's also manipulative, calculating, almost entirely lacking in empathy.

Konstantin: Like her mother.

Psychiatrist: When asked about the accident involving your ex-wife's partner, she said she wished she could go back in time so she could reverse back over his body.

Eve: Jimmy, what happened?

Jimmy: We got raided.

Eve: By who? Who raided us?

Jimmy: The police. Came with a warrant this morning. Something about official secrets, something about obtaining data illegally. I don't know. Colluding with foreign criminals on the dark web.

Eve: Do we do that?

Jimmy: We don't not do that.

Eve: We don't have time for this. Bear, do you have your laptop? Get it out. We've got work to do.

Jimmy: What are you going to do? Google "how to bring down a global crime syndicate"?

Eve: No, I'm going to google a bakery in north London.

Jimmy: Bear, don't get involved, mate.

Bear: Why not? It's not like I have a job anymore.

Jimmy: Well, I'm going to start drinking.

Irina: You should read some Stanislavksy.

Konstantin: I'm not acting.

Irina: Exactly. You've OVER-acting. You need to mobilize your self conscious. Tone all this down a little. It's too much.

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