Stepfamily Holiday Blues - How to Beat 'em

[Theresa Chenoweth]

Among the many, many difficulties that stepfamilies face throughout
the first years of their blending process, enjoying holidays seems to
be one of the toughest. Your kids and stepkids have had quite a year,
preceding this season.
Now, into the middle of a home still trying to establish some sort of
familiarity, come the holidays. And, rather than coming as a break
from the day to day tension, special family celebrations tend to add
to the confusion and stress. Just when you thought you had some sort
of routine worked out and that you had figured out this new clan,
everyone goes completely nuts over a "joyous" occasion.
Now you find that dynamite can indeed come in small packages. Such
minute matters as ...
* when to open presents - Christmas Eve or Morning, * who to buy
presents for - immediate family or in-laws or ex-grandparents, * what
to fix for a "traditional" holiday family dinner - every family has
its own special traditions that are most important, * or even which
ornaments from which family get hung where on the family Christmas
tree,
... can have normally civilized families (which leaves out many
stepfamilies!) at each other's throats.
Well, here are a dozen suggestions to help ease the way. (Sort of a
"12 Ways of Christmas.") These suggestions come from a variety of
sources, including our own experiences and those of the hundreds of
stepfamilies we've worked with.
I'll a-Have a Blue Christmas
What is it about the end of year holidays - Thanksgiving, Christmas,
and New Years - that cause so much insanity in so many people? Even
well-adjusted, normal folks seem to shut down their reasoning skills
at these times. And that's the normal minority of families who aren't
dealing with the added bonuses we stepfamilies enjoy.
We get to sweat over the logistics and timetables of not one, but two
households' holiday schedules. Just as you are frantically trying to
coordinate everyone's schedule in your family, your ex informs you
that he'll have to have the kids that same day for his time with them.
And you have to go along, because the kids have to celebrate at their
dad's house, too.
We also are visited by Ghosts of Christmases Past, carrying
bittersweet memories of other family celebrations. None of the
memories are painless. Bad memories - of, for example, the year your
spouse got drunk and tore open all the presents before the kids could
get to them - will always be part of our internal photo album, which
opens whenever we hear certain carols or smell egg nog.
But the good memories of that happy former family - enjoying the
perfect Christmas when the kids were so little and sweet - those can
be just as painful and disturbing in the midst of the chaos of a
blending family's labor pains.
We Wish For A Merry Christmas
So, the seasonal insanity of the holidays isn't the sole property of
stepfamilies. As noted earlier, everyone seems to suffer from the
virus, but holidays are much tougher on stepparents. So much tougher,
in fact, that many civil courts make a practice of allowing extra time
on their dockets at this time of year for the flood of custody-related
cases.
Harsh statistics reveal how hard the blending process can be. While
many shake their heads over the nearly 50% divorce rate across
America, most don't realize that the divorce rate for stepfamilies is
closer to 65 to 85 percent for second and third marriages! I believe
that holiday pressures contribute a great deal to that failure record.
It takes a whole-family effort to overcome the stigma and the hazards
of blending two families with two backgrounds (which include failures
and pain) into a new single family with a future. Some ex-family
members never go away - nor should they.
Holiday gatherings usually involve past relationships that many feel
would be easier left in the past. It is vitally important though,
especially for stepkids, to maintain contact with their roots.
Stepkids suffer such disassociation with so many factors of the new
life that grandparents, uncles and aunts, and cousins provide
necessary anchors of assurance for them.
However, right in the middle of a once-a-year reunion, tempers can
flare and old fights may be revived and more damage than good may
result.
It is natural that these pressures build. What is not natural is
forgetting to care for your children's needs before your own. All
stepfamilies experience tension, fears, frustrations, and sadness over
unfulfilled dreams.
Where the damage manifests itself during the holidays is when you
either hold the pressure in until it explodes, or you withdraw from
the world by natural or chemical means. If we don't deal with our
wounds, they will fester and kill us.
On top of the internal pressure is external conflict. Both stepkids
and adults feel like outsiders in their own home because of new family
members who are strangers. Stepkids are expected to develop an
immediate family feeling for people they know nothing about. At best,
many stepchildren at family gatherings are treated like honorary
homeless guests invited in as a token of Christmas kindness.
But what can you do?
Have A Holly Jolly Christmas
Here are some steps you can take to help your family and you have a
more enjoyable holiday season. These ideas come from a multitude of
sources. Some are things we have discovered in our own family. Others
come from the hundreds of stepfamilies we have met with over the years
in support groups we hold in person and over the Internet. And still
others have been gleaned from e-mails sent to our web site
(www.stepcarefully.com).
On the FIRST day of Christmas:
Begin your holiday survival plan by acknowledging to yourself, and for
every member of your new family, that it's OK to feel sad during
"happy holidays".
Allow for some down time, but don't stay there. These feelings that
we've discussed and which you are starting to feel are natural. They
are shared by nearly every stepfamily around the world - over 20
million in America alone!
Realize where you are in your life. This is a starting point to a
whole future. Statistics show over and over that it takes an average
of four to seven years for stepfamilies to blend. Too many couples
enter into a stepfamily with unrealistic dreams that they will fall
right into a happy home life in the first year - or the first months,
even!
Accept that blending two families is tough, everyone has the same
fears. Then move on. This is just one holiday season. Get through this
one with at least some good times, and the next one will be easier.
On the SECOND day of Christmas:
Develop flexibility in your holiday plans. Everything doesn't have to
be perfect. Again, realize that this is one celebration out of many to
come. Next year, everyone will be a little more familiar with each
other, a little more accepting. This is just one step in the blending
process, not the whole thing.
Being in a stepfamily means dealing with multiple family plans. Your
ex - or you spouse's ex - will most likely have family celebration
plans of their own, involving your kids. Naturally, it will be easier
if you can work together in cooperation to coordinate both sets of
parents' programs. Unfortunately, this doesn't happen very often. If
your spouse's plans conflict with yours, you will have to find a way
to compromise. More on this later.
Remember that the purpose of family holidays is supposed to be for
loved ones to gather and - well, love each other. If your family gets
snippy about the seating arrangements around the dinner table, love
them anyway. You are building a new family, with new traditions. Maybe
one of those new traditions can be that little things don't matter so
much.
On the THIRD Day of Christmas:
Keep a holiday journal of this, and every coming, holiday gathering.
Without some perspective, you will likely feel that you are making no
progress. But you will make progress.
So, keep a journal. Record in it gifts given by and to whom, where you
went, and some of the more notable things said and done. These days
are valuable lessons, don't lose them.
On the FOURTH Day of Christmas:
Concentrate on making these Holy Days instead of holidays. Through the
years, commercialism and frantic expectations have distracted us from
the true reason we celebrate Thanksgiving, Christmas, the New Year,
and Easter.
Some families even hold birthday parties for Jesus! Rather than give
all the gifts to each other, the best gifts go to homeless, poor, or
sick families nearby. Whether you are a Christian, or you practice
another faith, or none at all, this practice can move your holiday
mindset from competition and frustration to reflection and patience.
On the FIFTH Day of Christmas:
Begin new traditions just for your new family. Every family, every
clan, every culture has its own special traditions for holiday
celebrations. You developed deeply rooted patterns in your former
household, and so did your spouse's family. Many stepfamily conflicts
involve couples trying to continue to do things the same way they
always did them. This is a recipe for trouble!
Far better, many believe, is to scrap all the old ways and find new
traditions. Begin by letting everyone have a say about what they would
like to do. You may have to push past some resistance as members try
to hold on to old memories of what they did before. But it is
important that everyone is part of the process. If one member tries to
force their opinion or ideas on the whole group, it usually won't work
as well. Keep a positive attitude about the process.
Everyone can participate in passing out food or gifts at homeless
shelters, orphanages, or halfway houses. Adopt a family to share your
abundance with. Don't just give money; get the kids involved. Let them
see how much more fortunate they are to live in your stepfamily!
Have a cookout. If you live somewhere warm, that's OK, but this
activity will be more of an adventure if there is snow involved! Roast
hot dogs and marshmallows. Look at the stars in the crisp, cold sky.
Tell Christmas stories. Carols are optional.
The point is to look for new activities you can repeat year after year
to develop a kinship between the new family members. The second,
third, and fourth times you do this, it will feel more comfortable,
and it will bring back memories of this family's holidays.
On the SIXTH Day of Christmas:
Exchange life stories. Have the whole family - as many as you can
gather together, old and new - prepare a short description of their
favorite memory.
This story can be about a funny time, a painful time, a trip, a lost
friend, etc. No one needs to comment on the stories. If the stepkids
want to talk about old times when mom and dad were still together,
that's OK. Spouses should refrain from that, though.
As the stories are told, look for insights into the teller's
personality and dreams. You may get a glimpse of how your stepkids
really feel. Some games, such as LifeStories, can be useful here to
help every one get to know one another better.
On the SEVENTH Day of Christmas:
Switch days to celebrate to ease the pressure. If your kids' non-
custodial parent must (or just chooses to) have your kids on the
holiday, you may want to consider this alternative. Many stepparents
have found that having flexibility in this area makes everyone more
relaxed.
Tell them you want them to have two Christmases this year, one with
Dad and one with you and stepdad. Then, don't scrimp on the
festivities. Whatever new traditions you're going to practice, give
them as much attention as your other activities.
This brings up a very important point. The primary focus of most
holiday celebrations is the children. However, in trying to give our
kids the best holiday experience, we can get carried away. If your
honest desire is to make you kids happy this season, then think of
them first. Constant bickering, tension and pressure to be happy and
have fun, and tug of wars over whose home, when will not produce the
desired result.
Compromise, then make up lost time when they come home.
On the EIGHTH Day of Christmas:
If your kids do have to travel to visit Dad, don't whine about it.
Family ties are important to all children, but especially so for
stepkids.
After spending all year in a new home with new family members to
adjust to, your kids probably will feel relieved to be back around
familiar faces. Let them. Don't fret or obsess about their being gone.
Enjoy the free time; find some time just for yourself at least every
other day.
When plans are being made for your kids' or stepkids' visit away from
home, look for positives about the trip. Make sure you don't make them
feel guilty about wanting to see their parent.
It should go without saying (but I'll say it anyway) that you should
take care to never - ever - put down your ex or your spouse's ex in
front of their kids. Never tell your children how awful you think
their Dad or Mom is! First of all, you wouldn't want them to hear the
same sort of thing about you. And secondly, regardless of how you feel
about him, he is still your kids daddy. To belittle him belittles
them, in their eyes.
On the NINTH Day of Christmas:
If kids come to visit you for the holidays, don't neglect them.
Whether they are your own children, for whom your spouse has custody,
or your stepkids, make them part of everything that goes on.
They are not ropes for a tug of war game. They are not enemy spies
from the ex. They are children hoping to have some enjoyment during a
special time of the year, in a place that is not their home. You have
the power to make a positive or a negative impact on them.
Children who visit their other parent's home seem to fall into two
categories. They are either an extended part of the family, or
complete outsiders. Kids who visit every other weekend or just twice a
year deserve some permanent consideration. Make sure they are
comfortable and settled.
They're not pets dropped off on you for a kennel stay. (Can you say,
"Grinch"?) They are children who are basically at the mercy of your
courtesies. If you live in a small house and have little extra money,
be creative. Save up and buy (or even borrow) some furniture - a bed,
a chest of drawers - it doesn't have to be a lot. The point is to make
an effort just for them out of love.
These could be the kids who care for you when you are old!
On the TENTH Day of Christmas:
Wear thicker skin over the holidays. As the inevitable pressures build
(in those unfortunate enough to have not read this book!), be prepared
to be an example of patience and lovingkindness.
Be careful that you don't lose control of yourself and damage
relationships you have to maintain throughout the rest of the year.
Someone has to be the adult, it might as well be you. And don't be a
martyr about it, telling everyone how tough it is, just do it with a
smile. Even if no one else appreciates your strength, you can feel
proud of yourself on January 4th!
The kids who come visit you may very well be less than gracious about
your efforts to include them and make them feel comfortable. Never
mind. It's not really important how well someone receives a gift from
you. It's how you give the gift that matters.
The visiting kids may have been "prepped" by their mom or dad to
expect you to be a monster, so they are putting up the best defense -
a good offense. Well, you just prove to them what kind of a person you
really are!
And you will, good or bad.
On the ELEVENTH Day of Christmas:
Get back into your daily routine as quickly as possible. Children (and
adults, too) thrive on consistency. Give them assurance that nothing
major changed over the holidays, unless it was for the good by
strengthening ties.
Through all the families we've worked with, it has become increasingly
clear that kids need order in their lives. They want rules and
directions and security. Oh, they will deny it to the death! But
stepkids who have opened up to me have by and large agreed that it
makes them feel safe and cared for to know what the rules are and that
they will be enforced regularly. This tells them that their parents
are willing to make an effort to raise them.
It's easy to just let things go. It's harder to insist on obedience.
On the TWELFTH Day of Christmas:
Keep your perspective. What's the bottom line in dealing with holiday
madness in a stepfamily? The same three C's we teach in all our
resources at STEP-Carefully! - Caring, Consideration, and Common
sense.
** Care for your loved ones. Care about how you are teaching them to
be adults. Care about the reputation you will be carrying through
life.
** Be Considerate of others' feelings. Show consideration and respect
for your new family's need for a solid, peaceful home.
** Use Common sense in handling problems. Some of the battles just
aren't worth the effort. Common sense means backing up to look at the
larger picture. Is this particular old holiday custom worth fighting
over? Or would you be better off letting it go and trying something
else.
For the sake of your kids, act like Christian adults! It's Christmas,
don't blaspheme the holiday by destroying what you've taught all year
long.
By Bobby Collins ?Copyright 1999
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