>> QUESTION # 9
Who is Mr. or Mrs. Right?
Is there even such a thing
as Mr. or Mrs. Right?
What are the criteria?
What should I not look for?
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Sh. Yaser Birjas answers...
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Ladies should make a decision: if a
proposal comes to me, I’m going to
take it seriously. So, they have made
the decision that I am going to
consider marriage right now. Even if
I’m not necessarily ready for it, I’m
going to consider it seriously. Not that
I’m going to say "no" immediately.
No. I will consider it.
So, who is Mr. Right or Mrs. Right
anyway? Is there even such a thing
as Mr. Right and Mrs. Right?
To answer this, we have to consider a
dichotomy over here: how do you do
your selection? The dichotomy over
here is between the best selection and
the right selection. So, it's between
choosing the best person versus
the right person.
Many people have in their minds an
image of the best person -- the best
selection. This is usually an
imaginary image that does not
exist in reality or if it does, then it
is so scarce that the chances of finding
that best person are very slim, taking
into consideration the
environment,
culture, location, place of origin, how
many people are in the community
and so on. So this is something that
is very difficult to get.
However, the right person might be
around the corner - maybe your
closest neighbor, maybe your cousin,
maybe someone related to you or
unrelated to you. The whole point
here is that the right person is the
best person and not necessarily the
other way around.
We understand this from Hadith Jabir
radhiyallaahu 'anhu, where he said:
"My father died and left behind seven
or nine daughters, and I married a
woman. The Prophet said: 'Did you get
married, O Jabir?' I replied, 'Yes.' He
asked, 'Is she a virgin or a matron?' I
replied, 'She is a matron.' He said,
'Why didn’t you marry a virgin girl so
that you might play with her and she
with you (or, you might make her
laugh and she would make you laugh)?'
I said, 'My father died, leaving seven
or nine girls (orphans) and I did not
like to bring a young girl like them,
so I married a woman who can look
after them.' He said, 'May Allah bestow
His Blessing on you.'"
[Bukhari, Vol. 8, Book 75, #396]
The Prophet was asking this question
because Jabir radhiyallaahu 'anhu was
a young man and he expected that he
would marry someone of his age. Jabir
took a pragmatic approach to
marriage.
But at the same time he made a
commitment. Even though she was
older than him and she was not a
maiden, when he was coming back
home, he was getting so excited to
meet his wife. Meaning he definitely
had some passion for her. He chose
the right person and this is the
pragmatic approach and Allah will
always put barakah, bi idhnillaah, if
you open your heart sincerely to that
person.
So again, there is the best person and
there is the right person. And I’m
telling you: the right person is the
best person for you and not
necessarily the other way round.
If you like her, then marry her.
If you like him, just marry him.
People, unfortunately, expect to know
the person fully before they get
married. Believe me, even if you
extend the engagement to 2 or 3
years just to get to know each other,
once you get married, the level of
your expectations is going to
change completely.
How do you explain then those who
marry after a very long drawn out
relationship--probably since being
high-school sweethearts, college
sweethearts and so on--and then after
a few months or a couple of days, they
divorce?
What happened to them? That doesn’t
mean that love is not important in
marriage. Yes, it is important, but the
perception we have of love is totally
different and that is another subject in
itself.
Here again, we should think of the
right person, not necessarily the best
person. The best person might not be
there anyway, but the right person
might be just around the corner.
The recommendation again is: if you
like her, just marry her; if you go
and propose and you see good
qualities in her--not perfect
qualities--just marry her.
If you like him, just like him, then the
same thing: just marry him. That
doesn’t mean once you see her, you
propose and then you just go through
with the marriage.
No.
You need to have some period of
engagement where you can get to
know each other. Consider this period
like a test lab where you go and start
working with each other to see how
much compromise and adjustment
you’re going to be making after
marriage.
So you expect adjustments, you
expect compromises, and you get
ready for them .
Another suggestion for brothers and
sisters, my humble and sincere advice:
Do NOT see too many people before
making a decision.
Many brothers go around and they
have probably seen 10, 15 or 20 ladies
and they still haven’t made a decision.
Ladies receive 10, 15 proposals and
they are still waiting for the best
person.
The more you see, the more
confused you will become,
believe me.
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