Discord Nitro Cracker

[Juvencio Parise]

Ihave resolved to dedicate this book to a humorist who has hadtoo little fame, to the most delicious, because the most unconscious,humorist, to that widely-scattered and multitudinous comedian whomay be expressed in the concrete as

To his habit of perpetrating felicitous absurdities I am indebtedfor "laughter that is worth a hundred groans." It was he who putinto type an article of mine which contained the remark, "Filtrationis sometimes accomplished with the assistance of albumen," andtransformed it into "Flirtation is sometimes accomplished with theresistance of aldermen." It was he who caused me to misquote thepoet's inquiry, so that I propounded to the world the appalling conundrum,"Where are the dead, the varnished dead?" And it was hisglorious tendency to make the sublime convulsively ridiculous thatrejected the line in a poem of mine, which declared that a "cometswept o'er the heavens with its trailing skirt," and substituted theidea that a "count slept in the haymow in a traveling shirt." Thekind of talent that is here displayed deserves profound reverence.It is wonderful and awful; and thus I offer it a token of my marvelingrespect.

"Fun is the most conservative element of society, and it ought tobe cherished and encouraged by all lawful means. People neverplot mischief when they are merry. Laughter is an enemy tomalice, a foe to scandal and a friend to every virtue. It promotesgood temper, enlivens the heart and brightens the intellect."

It seems to be necessary to say a few words in reference tothe contents of this volume as I offer it to the public. Severalof the incidents related in the story have already appeared inprint, and have been copied in various newspapers throughoutthe country. Sometimes they have been attributed to theauthor; but more frequently they have been given eitherwithout any name attached to them, or they have beencredited to persons who probably never saw them. The bestof the anecdotes have been imitated, but none of them, I believe,are imitations. I make this statement, so that if thereader should happen to encounter anything that has afamiliar appearance, he may understand that he has theoriginal and not a copy before him. But a very large portionof the matter contained in the book is entirely new, andis now published for the first time; while all the rest of it hasbeen rewritten and improved, so that it is as good as new.

If this little venture shall achieve popularity, I must attributethe fact largely to the admirable pictures with whichit has been adorned by the artists whose names appear uponthe title page. All of these gentlemen have my hearty thanksfor the efforts they have made to accomplish the best results;but while I express my appreciation of the beautiful landscapesof Mr. Schell, the admirable drawings of Mr. Sheppardand the excellent designs of Mr. Bensell, I wish to direct attentionespecially to the humorous pictures of Mr. Arthur B.[Pg 6]Frost. This artist makes his first appearance before the publicin these pages. These are the only drawings upon woodthat he has ever executed, and they are so nicely illustrativeof the text, they display so much originality and versatility,and they have such genial humor, with so little extravaganceand exaggeration, that they seem to me surely to give promiseof a prosperous career for the artist.

If Peter Menuit had never been born, it is extremelyprobable that this book would not have been written.Mr. Menuit, however, had nothing to do with theconstruction of the volume, and his controlling purposeperhaps was not to prepare the way for it. Peter Menuitwas a Swede who in 1631 came sailing up theDelaware River in a queer old craft with bulging sidesand with stem and sternhigh in the air. Moved by some mysterious impulse, hedropped his anchor near a certain verdant shore andlanded. Standing there, he surveyed the lovely scene thatlay before him in the woodland and the river, and then announcedto his companions his determination to remain upon[Pg 26]that spot. He began to erect a town upon the bank thatwent sloping downward to the sandy beach, and his onlyclaim to the immortality that has been allotted to him isthat he created what is now New Castle.

It would be pleasant, if it did not seem vain, to hope thatNew Castle will base its aspirations to enduring fame uponthe circumstance that another humble personage came, twohundred years and more after Menuit's arrival, to live in itand to tell, in a homely but amiable fashion, the story ofsome of its good people, and to say something of a few oftheir peculiarities, perplexities and adventures.

We were in search of quietness. The city has manycharms and many conveniences as a place of residence;and there are those who, having accustomed themselves tothe methods of life that prevail among the dense populationsof the great towns, can hardly find happiness andcomfort elsewhere. But although the gregarious instinct isstrong in me, I cannot endure to be crowded. I love myfellow-man with inexpressible affection, but oftentimes heseems more lovable when I behold him at a distance. Iyearn occasionally for human society, but I prefer to haveit only when I choose, not at all times and seasons withoutintermission. In the city, however,it is impossible to secure solitude when it is desired. IfI live, as I must, in one of a row of houses, the partitionwalls upon both sides are likely to be thin. It is possible thatI may have upon the one hand a professor of music who gives,throughout the day, maddeninglessons to muscular pupils and practices scales himselfwith energetic persistency during the night. Upon the other[Pg 27]side there may be a family which cherishes two or three infantsand sustains a dog. As a faint whisper will penetratethe almost diaphanous wall, the mildest as well as the mostviolent of the nocturnal demonstrations of the childrendisturb my sleep; and when these have ceased, the dog willprobably become boisterous in the yard.

If there is not a boiler-making establishment in the streetat the rear of the house, there will be a saw-mill with asteam whistle, and it is tolerably certain that my neighborover the way will either have a vociferous daughter whokeeps the window open while she sings, or will permit hisboy to perform upon a drum. There is incessant noise instreet and yard and dwelling. There is perpetual, audibleevidence of the active existence of human beings. There istoo much crowding and too little opportunity for absolutewithdrawal from the confusion and from contact with therestless energy of human life.

It has always seemed to me that village life is the happiestand the most comfortable, and that the busy city man whowould establish his home where he can have repose withoutinconvenience and discomfort should place it amid the treesand flowers and by the grassy highway of some pretty hamlet,where the noise of the world's greater commerce nevercomes, and where isolation and companionship are both possiblewithout an effort. Such a home, planted judiciouslyin a half acre, where children can romp and play and whereone can cultivate a few flowers and vegetables, mingling thesentimental heliotrope with the practical cabbage, and theornamental verbena with the useful onion, may be made anearthly Paradise.

There must not be too much ground, for then it becomesa burden and a care. There are few city men who have theagricultural impulse so strong in them that they will finddelight, after a day of mental labor and excitement, in rasping[Pg 28]a garden with a hoe in the hope of securing a vegetableharvest. A very little exercise of that kind, in most cases,suffices to moderate the horticultural enthusiasm of the inexperiencedcitizen. It is pleasant enough to weed a fewflowers or to toss a spadeful or two of earth about the rootsof the grapevine when you feel disposed to such mild indulgencein exercise; but when the garden presents taskswhich must be performed no matter what the frame of mindor the condition of the body, you are apt, for the first time,to have a thorough comprehension of the meaning of thecurse uttered against the ground when Adam went forthfrom Eden. It is far better and cheaper to hire a competentman to cultivate the little field; then in your leisure momentsyou may set out the cabbage plants upside down andplace poles for the strawberry vines to clamber upon, knowingwell that if evil is done, it will be corrected on the morrowwhen the offender is far away, and when the maledictionsof the agricultural expert,muttered as he relieves thevegetables from the jeopardyin which ignorance has placedthem, cannot reach your ears.

I like a house not too old, but having outward comeliness,with judicious arrangement of the interior, and all of thoseconvenient contrivances of the plumber, the furnace-makerand the bell-hanger which make the merest mite of amodern dwelling incomparably superior in comfort to the most stupendous of marble palacesin the ancient times. I would have no neighbor's housewithin twenty yards upon either side; I would have noble[Pg 29]shade trees about the place, and I would esteem it a mostfortunate thing if through the foliage I could obtain constantglimpses of some shining stream upon whose bosomships come to and fro, and on which I could sometimes findsolace and exercise in rowing, fishing and sailing.

Village life is the best. It has all the advantages of residencein the country without the unpleasant things whichattend existence in a wholly rural home. There is not theoftentimes oppressive solitude of the country, nor is therethe embarrassment that comes from the distance to the station,to the shops and to the post-office. There are the cityblessings of the presence of other human beings, and ofaccess to the places where wants may be supplied, withoutthe crowds, without the mixed and villainous perfumes ofthe streets and without the immoderate taxes. With theconveniences of a civilized community, a village may havepure and healthful air, opportunity for parents and childrento amuse themselves out of doors, cheap fare, moderate rent,milk which knows not the wiles of the city dealer, and amoral atmosphere in which a family may grow up awayfrom the temptations and the evil associations which tend tocorrupt the young in the great cities.

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