I 39;m Going To Be A Big Sister

[Louella Kammann]

Myhusband and I have been trying to get pregnant for about 3 years now. May of this year we finally started seeing a fertility specialist and have had a few failed IUI attempts. The last 3 years have been difficult and I've had a lot of friends and family get pregnant during that time. It sucked of course but I was happy for them and glad that they didn't have any IF issues. \n

My sister came over yesterday to sit me down and tell me that she is 14 weeks pregnant. She apologized for being pregnant and started crying and I told her it was fine and not to worry about it. She can't live her life according to what is or isn't happening in my life. I told her that I was happy for her and tried to fake excitement I didn't feel. \n

I feel like I am officially the last person on earth that isn't pregnant. I mean it seems like not that long ago she was telling me that she didn't think she even wanted kids. Then one day she wakes up and thinks hmm I think I'll get pregnanat today and poof she's pregnant? It's not fair. I have been trying for so long and it's just not fair. \n

About the time I started seeing an infertility specialist is the time she told me that she and her husband had decided to start trying. Then it wasn't happening right way for them and she would ask me questions because I was the \"resident infertility specialist\" and she was getting impatient (they had been trying all of 2 months at the time). I kind of had my own issues to deal with and although I'd answer her questions and suggested a few resources to her I just wasn't interested in bonding over IF (especially because she wasn't infertile). Now all of a sudden she's pregnant and I'm going to have to sit and listen to her being all excited about it and planning for the baby and the baby shower. How in the hell am I going to do this? When my sister in law was pregnant it was easy because she lives out of town and I didn't have to see her and her belly every day. I mean my sister is already showing for crying out loud. I've dealt with a lot over the last 3 years but I don't know if I can deal with this. \n

I am happy that she didn't have any IF issues but I don't have that oh my god my sister is pregnant excitement I think I should feel. I feel like an awful awful person and I'm just not sure how I'm going to make it through her pregnancy without completely falling apart. \n

I am so sorry! My SIL announced to us that she was pregnant right at the time I failed my 3rd IUI. I didn't even pretend to be excited. I felt like a terrible person but I didn't speak to her for months. She told us and I tried to be a big girl. I got in the shower to "shake it off" and ended up in my bed crying and naked for 3 days. I know the world doesn't revolve around me either, but I don't feel like I can ever forget that pain. The baby is born now and I haven't seen it or held it because every time I see it in pictures I think of lying naked in my bed for days wishing that I could be put out of my misery. It's not fair to her or the baby (or my DH), but it wasn't fair for me either.

Anyway, I completely know how you feel. You are not a bad person. Just as she has a right to be excited, you have a right to be upset about it. I wish I had advice for you, but I don't know how you're going to do it because I didn't even try. My energy was worn out!

I know how you feel. DH and I were in the midst of TX when my brother, who lives out of state, called on Christmas to tell me they were expecting #4. He wanted me to hear it from him and not my mom, because he knew what we were going through (barely). I think I said congratulations, but that was it. I hung up and cried the rest of Christmas afternoon. I didn't meet this baby until she was 13 months old, so I didn't have to watch my SIL the whole time either.

Yes, you are not alone. You are not the last known person on the face of the earth to not get pg...I am! I so know how you feel. I don't have any sisters (thankfully) but I have 2 good friends who are both expecting in January. One accidentally got pg. I have hardly talked to her lately. I feel terrible. I know what you mean--I want to be happy and share in her excitement, but I just can't. I just can't.

I've resolved, currently, to just kick back and live my life. When I have the money, I'll put more time and money into finding a reason for my IF. I haven't completely given up, but I've just taken on the mindset that this might not happen for me and I need to be prepared to move on.

I have several neices and nephews. My brother's girls mean so much to me. It will be easier once the baby comes. I've always felt that way. You can't put the baby back, so you need to deal with it. I'm glad your sister had the sense to tell you face to face, though, and at least she sorta understands, or is at least trying. Sounds like she'll understand if you say, "I'm sorry, but I just can't deal with this today."

When we all become pregnant and mothers we will all look back and say 2yrs/4yrs/6yrs wow was that all? We will have a lifetime to be with our babies! The years it took ttc are going to be small. I am just looking at the big picture (that is what I do to keep myself sane!).

I am 38 years old and have been married for almost seven years. My husband and I are both Jewish youth groups workers (we love kids) and I work for NBC full-time as well. Ever since we have been married, we have had problems in the bedroom. My husband (who is 42) has had time keeping an erection and he ejaculates quickly before he can enter me. Needless to say, this has caused us major strain in the bedroom and we don't have sex very often (although we are working on this). This strain as well as other issues caused us to fight almost every day during the first five years of our marriage. As much as we loved each other and wanted kids, we weren't ready in many ways. About two years ago, we started seeing a therapist together, as well me seeing a therapist on my own. In the past year, things have gotten much better and we feel ready to have kids and start moving more forward with our lives.

My husband, and I started going for fertility treatments in March of this year. After two rounds of Chlomyd and two rounds of shots, I have been inseminated four times. I was just inseminated a week and a half ago and am waiting to find out if I am pregnant. My next appointment is next Tuesday, 10/13. This being my fourth round, I am cautiously hopeful but very nervous.

Todd, my husband, has a younger sister who has three kids, ages 13, 11 and almost 8. Out of the 5 grandchildren in his family (Todd and his sister and his 3 first cousins), Todd will be the last to have children. I am the oldest in my family. I have a brother who is 33, been married for seven years as well and already has a 3 year old and a sister who is 30 and been married for three years. This past weekend, both my brother & sister-in-law and sister and brother-in-law told my family that they are both pregnant and due two weeks apart in April 2010. In the hour that my sister was telling our family, she mentioned that it only took them 2 tries to get pregnant!!! I wanted to turn around and ounch her in the mouth. I loudly said three times "Some people aren't so lucky" and figured my mother would get what I meant.

Needless to say, I feel like the biggest failure in life, completely jealous and like a horrible sister at the same time because I am having a difficult time enjoying this for them. The only people that know that my husband and I are going through fertility treatments are my parents, my in-laws, my boss and small group at work, a couple of friends of mine and our therapist. My husband and I are very cautious and private about who we tell about this.

I really need help in resolving this for myself (being OK with the possibility of having children taking a long time and maybe different avenues for us) and being there for my brother and sister without being bitter and resentful at the same time.

It's hard. I didn't go to the baby shower. I had issues with my mother since all she wanted to talk about was my pregnant sister who would give her a grandchild. Gag me! I actually had to tell my family not to tell me about my sister at all. They could email my DH and he could tell me.

It sounds like your sister has some concept of how hard this is for you and is fearful of it hurting your relationship. That was the number one thing my sister kept saying - was that she didn't want to lose me to have her baby.

Here's what I suggest - Blame the infertility. Get angry with the infertilty. When you can't go and see her, don't blame yourself for how you feel, because it is clearly not your fault - it's this damn disease that won't give you a child.

I bought a motorcycle the day I found out about my sister being pregnant. I never wanted one and I truly think they are dangerous stupid things, but somehow it helped to do something that she would NEVER get to do. It made me feel better. I hope you find something crazy to do that will make you feel better.

Four days after I found out that both of my siblings are pregnant and this is the first day I really feel strong enough to look at the sonogram picture my SIL sent. I spoke to my therapist about it and am going to a support group tonight, The way I am planning on dealing with this whole thing is to remember that my infertility is not my sister's or SIL's fault and that if and when I am lucky enough to get pregnant (which could be now because I am waiting to hear from my doctor next week to see if my fourth IUI was successful), I would want them to be happy and there for me.

The way I've been dealing with it is by putting one foot in front of the other...I have to get up in the morning...my teeth and hair won't get brushed by themselves!...I have to go to the grocery store where there's many opportunities to view young, pregnant ladies or newborns...if I don't go to the store, I will starve...one foot in front of the other...then get in my car and cry my eyes out when nobody's looking...get out of the car and put one foot in front of the other...

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