Guess The Cup

[Joslyn Moreci]

Theidea of ask vs guess culture was shared online in 2007 by a user tangerine on Metafilter. When I first read it years ago, a lightbulb moment went off, and many frustrations and conflicts I had while growing up made much more sense in this framework.

At a high level, western corporate work operates almost entirely in ask culture. But people working at these companies often operate in or were raised in guess culture, which as you might expect, is ripe for feeling misunderstood and frustrated.

Last week, I shared about normalizing sharing what we want in life and at work, so that they might actually be supported in coming true. Ask vs guess culture is another lens at looking at asking for what you want at work.

It also looks like being frustrated when others loudly express enthusiasm about taking on a new project on the roadmap and are given the opportunity to lead it, when you were also interested in it and maybe dropped some hints about it being somewhat interesting.

Wow, this is me! I'm 53 years old and I didn't know I was this person... a guess person. Being an Asian American, this makes so much sense right now-- it feels life-changing! I've always had hard time making requests especially at work (like for time-off/vacation/pto/raise). But the biggest difficulty for me was saying No to requests. I didn't want to, nor did I have the capacity to, but when a local organization asked me to volunteer for a year, I couldn't say no, out of not wanting to let them down, and out of social obligation.

According to Erin Meyer in her book The Culture Map, one of the variables used to compare culture around the world is called high context vs low context. It's based on how much shared context you can assume when dealing with another person.

In a highly homogenous culture, people are similar, have a shared history, shared norms, and this establishes a shared context. Here you are expected to guess what others want. It's similar to how a married couple behaves after many years together.

In places like the US, where people have very different background, you kind of have to assume low context. then it's better to assume you ask if you want something. As an aside, when working online it's generally better to assume low shared context.

Have you had someone ask you for a favor that seemed unreasonable \u2014 a referral you didn\u2019t want to make, a long-term stay at your place, a sizable cash loan? But because they asked, you felt obliged to seriously consider it, to try to meet their request, even if it put you in a space of discomfort? Maybe you carry out the favor, but it sours your relationship, and when it all comes out, that person says, \u201CWell why\u2019d you agree to it? You could have just said no!\u201D

But you feel resentful that that person even put you in a position to have to say, \u201CSorry we\u2019re a bit busy that week so don\u2019t have space for you to stay with us,\u201D or \u201CI can\u2019t loan you that money at the moment\u201D?

Despite this idea\u2019s longevity, I find that it\u2019s still a new-to-many and incredibly useful concept to revisit, so here\u2019s a little exploration of ask vs guess culture at home and at work.

It\u2019s easiest to understand the differences between ask culture and guess culture through examples, so here are two examples with a moving situation \u2014 you\u2019re moving soon and hope to save a few bucks with the help of your friends.

You post on Facebook sharing that you\u2019re moving and make a list of things you could use help with: moving boxes and tape, packing help, usage of a truck/van, and physical labor on moving day. You reach out to a few local friends asking if they\u2019re available on moving day. A few people respond on Facebook with moving supplies, and a friend comes over to help with packing, but no one is available to help on moving day, so you end up renting a moving van and hiring a few movers.

Your friend is typically free on the weekends, so you ask them if they\u2019re available to help you on moving day. You ask another friend what they\u2019re up to, and they have family visiting, so you don\u2019t mention that you need help with moving. Another friend has access to a pickup truck, and you dropped off some soup recently when they were sick, so you mention that you\u2019re moving next weekend. They ask if you\u2019d like to borrow their truck, which you defer saying you don\u2019t want to inconvenience them, but when they offer again, you accept.

If you\u2019re more a guess-culture person, asking people for help without knowing their circumstances can feel rude or intrusive. Broadcasting publicly your need for help can feel awkward and vulnerable.

If you\u2019re more of an ask-culture person, the guess-culture example of juggling everyone\u2019s specific scenarios and the historical context of favors probably seems exhausting. Dropping hints in the hopes that you won\u2019t even have to make your request can feel extra passive and manipulative.

I was raised deeply in guess culture, as many Asians and Asian-Americans are. The Japanese proverb that \u201Cthe nail that sticks up gets nailed down\u201D reinforces the idea of social collectivism and keeping your individual needs and wants to yourself \u2014 values that are shared by many Asian culture. My parents rarely had to make explicit asks of me, because the expectations around values and behavior were communicated through indirect messaging, often by tone of voice or through stories about other people.

Western society is very much ask culture. A classic example can be found in proverbs. \u201CA squeaky wheel gets the grease\u201D is an American proverb, enforcing the ideas of individualism and that asking for what you want will benefit you.

The generational clash between ask and guess culture can be frustrating and exhausting. Years ago, my brother and I were in San Diego visiting our aunt and uncle. The plan was for my grandma to come down from Los Angeles, so we could all spend time together, but our grandma had last minute minor surgery to recover from and had to stay put in LA. \u201CSo we should drive up to see her, right?\u201D my brother and I discussed. But all of the older relatives insisted we did not, suggesting that instead we see the sights in San Diego, that we take the kids to Sea World, that the traffic would be awful and that a 2 hour drive would turn into 5 hours, that it\u2019d be dangerous.

This all seemed ridiculous to us, so instead we drove the two hours, keeping our plan secret until we pulled up into our grandma\u2019s driveway, so that no one could resist and thwart our plan. We had a lovely visit, and my mom later thanked us for making the drive.

Deciding what to eat for dinner with guess-culture people isn\u2019t as simple as asking people what they want to eat for dinner, because they will not tell you what they actually want to want to eat for dinner. They will say \u201Coh, whatever you want,\u201D or \u201Cwhatever is easiest.\u201D And when you insist that you really really want to know what they want to eat for dinner, and if it\u2019s too much work, you\u2019ll do something else instead, the response you receive will already be a compromised version of what they want, taking into account the preferences of everyone else in the house, what the kids will eat, and the leftovers in the fridge.

For guess-culture people, thinking about what it is you want can feel absolutely foreign, and for me, it\u2019s been a years-long practice to continue to tap into and understand what I want, before I then try to take others\u2019 needs into account.

At a certain point, guess culture is not going to work for you, and you\u2019ll feel under-acknowledged and overlooked. If you want to get more of what you want out of your work situation, you\u2019ll have to lean more into ask culture.

But ask culture is vulnerable, because the requests you\u2019re making are ones that feel out of reach, and requires being ok with people saying no to you, often. It requires putting things out there that you want help with, and trusting that people will say no to you instead of helping you resentfully.

Ask for help on something you\u2019re feeling stuck on. Guess-culture people will worry that they\u2019re interrupting someone, or someone will be annoyed if they\u2019re in the middle of something. If it feels more comfortable, you could say, \u201CLet me know when is good for a half-hour working session today or tomorrow.\u201D

Want to publish something on the company blog or give a talk at an upcoming event? Try asking. If \u201CHey can I give a talk at the next event?\u201D feels too uncomfortable, try \u201CHey I\u2019m really interested in giving a talk at a future event. What are you looking for?\u201D or \u201CI\u2019d love to give a talk about , what do you think?\u201D

Get more comfortable with people saying no to you. If people are not saying no to you, you\u2019re probably still only asking for things that you already know people will say yes to (which is guess culture). Ask for more budget, ask for an uncomfortable amount of PTO, ask for professional development budget, ask to purchase only vaguely-work-related books on your company card.

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