Re: Homework Invitation
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Jooli Park
Jul 22, 2012, 8:45:09 PM7/22/12
to compassionate...@googlegroups.com
Hi everyone,
I signed up for this workshop however I haven't been able to join the tele-sessions on Wednesdays due to my work schedule. I have been listening to the audios on my own time. I appreciate the homework invitation. Here is the story.
After I listen to the day 2 audio I had a first training session with a new client. She was referred by my colleague and I had a brief phone consultation prior to the first session. On the phone she told me that she wants to loose a lot of weight in short term and she requested to start the workout as soon as possible. After 10minutes of the first training, I encouraged her to talk more about her fitness goals. She told me that she wants to loose 15lb. of body fat in a month and she said she has done it many times. I asked her what she is willing to do and she started telling me that she can do anything and her doctor told her that it is healthy to loose 3 pounds in a week. From there I noticed that she was literally walking towards the studio door and she became very defensive. I sat down with her and did my best to listen. Also I explained that my intention of asking her the question was to learn about her. However, she left very upset.
Exercise 1. My experience with the client
2. Feeling - I feel indignant and unworthy.
3. Experience - My experience is that the client became very defensive and told me that I am being condescending at least five times!
4. Message about self
- When I was a kid, my parents constantly fought violently no matter how I try to keep them happy. I felt powerless.
- When I was in Grade 3 , I lied to my teacher that I stole one of my classmate's wallet. I knew that it was my friend who stole the wallet. I just wanted to protect her. My teacher called me privately and spanked me. And then told me that she knew it was not me. She told me that I should be punished for lying to her even if I was trying to protect my friend. She also made me write an essay about my mistake. This experience made me feel unworthy because my caring heart was not appreciated.
- when I was in grade 2..(Around that time), I once offered a tip to a small stationary shop owner after purchasing a box of crayon. The stationary shop was next to my school. The owner had severe degeneration of some sort on one of his eye and he always looked sick and sad. I always felt sad for him and I just wanted to help him out! So, one day I refused to receive the change after buying a box of crayon. I told him, "uncle, I want you to have it." As far as I remember, he didn't refuse it. I was so excited and happy about my choice of using my change I went home and told my mom. My mother's response was extremely condescending. She told me that I humiliated the store owner by giving him the change. Also she was very clear that I do not use money well just like my father. I felt sad and indignant....
5. Desire - I would like learn about you in order to find a common ground where we can start from and achieve your fitness goals.
5. Request - I hear you. I am not here to judge you. Would you consider inviting me into your journey?
As I work on the number 5. Request section, part of me feels that I won't be comfortable working with her because part of me feels overwhelmed with her expectations. Also part of me wonders why I get scared of not fulfilling her goals when I haven't started working with her. It is possible that part of me judge her for having high expectation because she already looked very fit. My intention of asking about her benchmark may had more to do with finding out what I am comfortable with in order to work with her instead of meeting where she was at.
Exercise 2. Pretending that I am the client
1) Feeling - I feel judged and discouraged about my fitness goals. I also feel tricked and fooled.
2) My experience is that the trainer was being condescending about my fitness goals and judging me for having high expectation. She asked me what my benchmark was and then gave me a feeling that I am not strong enough to handle what it takes to loose 15lb. in a month.
3) Message about self (I will just write something that I felt as I was talking with the client.)
- when I was growing up as a little girl I used to feel that my parents never considered me as a capable kid who can win my peers.
- when I want to do something I never feel supported
- when I feel judged and tricked I feel anger and I need to run away
4) Desire - I would like you to support me and play with me. I would like you to believe in my desire of making this happen.
5) Request - could you respect my space and allow me to play even though it may seem dangerous?
If anyone has feedback I would love to hear it. I also enjoyed everyone's homework. Thanks,
Hi All,
I signed up for this workshop however I haven't been able to join the tele-sessions on Wednesdays due to my work schedule. I have been listening to the audios on my own time. I appreciate the homework invitation. Here is the story.
After I listen to the day 2 audio I had a first training session with a new client. She was referred by my colleague and I had a brief phone consultation prior to the first session. On the phone she told me that she wants to loose a lot of weight in short term and she requested to start the workout as soon as possible. After 10minutes of the first training, I encouraged her to talk more about her fitness goals. She told me that she wants to loose 15lb. of body fat in a month and she said she has done it many times. I asked her what she is willing to do and she started telling me that she can do anything and her doctor told her that it is healthy to loose 3 pounds in a week. From there I noticed that she was literally walking towards the studio door and she became very defensive. I sat down with her and did my best to listen. Also I explained that my intention of asking her the question was to learn about her. However, she left very upset.
Exercise 1. My experience with the client
2. Feeling - I feel indignant and unworthy.
3. Experience - My experience is that the client became very defensive and told me that I am being condescending at least five times!
4. Message about self
- When I was a kid, my parents constantly fought violently no matter how I try to keep them happy. I felt powerless.
- When I was in Grade 3 , I lied to my teacher that I stole one of my classmate's wallet. I knew that it was my friend who stole the wallet. I just wanted to protect her. My teacher called me privately and spanked me. And then told me that she knew it was not me. She told me that I should be punished for lying to her even if I was trying to protect my friend. She also made me write an essay about my mistake. This experience made me feel unworthy because my caring heart was not appreciated.
- when I was in grade 2..(Around that time), I once offered a tip to a small stationary shop owner after purchasing a box of crayon. The stationary shop was next to my school. The owner had severe degeneration of some sort on one of his eye and he always looked sick and sad. I always felt sad for him and I just wanted to help him out! So, one day I refused to receive the change after buying a box of crayon. I told him, "uncle, I want you to have it." As far as I remember, he didn't refuse it. I was so excited and happy about my choice of using my change I went home and told my mom. My mother's response was extremely condescending. She told me that I humiliated the store owner by giving him the change. Also she was very clear that I do not use money well just like my father. I felt sad and indignant....
5. Desire - I would like learn about you in order to find a common ground where we can start from and achieve your fitness goals.
5. Request - I hear you. I am not here to judge you. Would you consider inviting me into your journey?
As I work on the number 5. Request section, part of me feels that I won't be comfortable working with her because part of me feels overwhelmed with her expectations. Also part of me wonders why I get scared of not fulfilling her goals when I haven't started working with her. It is possible that part of me judge her for having high expectation because she already looked very fit. My intention of asking about her benchmark may had more to do with finding out what I am comfortable with in order to work with her instead of meeting where she was at.
Exercise 2. Pretending that I am the client
1) Feeling - I feel judged and discouraged about my fitness goals. I also feel tricked and fooled.
2) My experience is that the trainer was being condescending about my fitness goals and judging me for having high expectation. She asked me what my benchmark was and then gave me a feeling that I am not strong enough to handle what it takes to loose 15lb. in a month.
3) Message about self (I will just write something that I felt as I was talking with the client.)
- when I was growing up as a little girl I used to feel that my parents never considered me as a capable kid who can win my peers.
- when I want to do something I never feel supported
- when I feel judged and tricked I feel anger and I need to run away
4) Desire - I would like you to support me and play with me. I would like you to believe in my desire of making this happen.
5) Request - could you respect my space and allow me to play even though it may seem dangerous?
If anyone has feedback I would love to hear it. I also enjoyed everyone's homework. Thanks,
From: JP Sears <j...@holistichealthandfitness.com>
Date: Wed, 18 Jul 2012 17:19:54 -0700
To: JP Sears<j...@holistichealthandfitness.com>
Subject: Homework Invitation
A specific homework invitation that I'd like to highlight are the two exercises found on page 20 of our class manual. As a way of having a pond to skip our stones in to, please feel free to post your daily two exercises to our Compassionate Communication gmail group forum (if you haven't received your invitation in your inbox, just give me a shout). You are welcome to give a short synopses of the situation of conflict and/or your "violent communication" reaction that happened out loud or in you head then followed by your 5 steps of the Compassionate Communication model. Or you're welcome to just be direct and include only the 5 steps. And of course, if it doesn't feel appropriate to you to share your self exercises there is no obligation to.
Below is the homework invitation (my recommendation is to write it in the first person as though you are talking to the other person):
Exercise 1
- Pick a person and situation you have recently had a challenge with.
- Please write down, in simple terms, your reaction to this person if you were to put it into words.
- Please write down your response for each of the five elements in the Compassionate Communication model as though you were talking to this person.
- Please consider repeating this exercise with a different situation in mind at least once per day for the next week.
Exercise 2
- Please imagine you are the other person from your Exercise 1 example.
- Please write down what you would guess their reaction to you was if it were to be put into words.
- Please write down what you would guess could be this person's response to you for each of the five elements of the Compassionate Communication model.
- Please feel free to repeat this exercise for each person you use as your example in Exercise 1.
Happy contemplating!
JP
JP Sears
Jul 23, 2012, 5:35:50 PM7/23/12
to compassionate...@googlegroups.com
Hi Jooli,
Thank you for sharing your experience and your heart with the group!
If I may offer a question. You mentioned "Request section, part of me feels that I won't be comfortable working with her because part of me feels overwhelmed with her expectations." If you did a separate Model process (with the 5 steps) on your experience of the client's expectations, how would that go? I wouldn't be surprised if your charge/blockage around the expectations is a separate issue within the issue. If you care to share it, please feel free!
JP
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