Question on Authenticity

[JP Sears]

Below is a question sent to me about authenticity, followed by a response.  Feel free to read if you wish, and I'd love to hear your thoughts on it as well!

Question

Can you expand on this statement a bit?
"Maybe it is a mindful quest to not mistake another's disturbance as evidence that our authenticity is a catalyst of disempowerment." (page 34 and 35 of the manual)

Does this imply that we are making ourselves responsible for how another chooses to take or accept our authenticity, like feeling guilty, if someone reacts negatively, when that is not really our responsibility?

JP's Response

Thanks for the question my friend!  And I apologize that I didn't have my email open during the call to field your question live.

My thoughts are that your reflection to your own question is absolutely spot on!  When we go beyond the superficial seduction that plays out in the behavior of the other person displaying feeling hurt, then we feel like their hurt is our fault, we can see that the result of the seduction is we abandon our authentic feelings, values, and boundaries in an effort to codependently prevent the other person from feeling that hurt again.  Some of us will have a bit of a premonition about this and betray our authenticity in the first place so that we never have to see the other person acting hurt.

So what we are left with, is at times, paying the price for being authentic.  Does it mean that at times people will hate how they experience themselves in our presence (which is displayed superficially as "they hate us")?  Yes.  Perhaps what they're hating in themselves that they project onto us is their inability to control us.  When we're not being authentic we tend to behave in relation to others in either a compliant or defiant orbit around them, either way it is a way of being controlled by the other.  When we're authentic, we're perhaps beyond compliant and defiant, we are simply ourselves.  We're not making our life about orbiting the other (being in their control), instead we're living by a much more pure trajectory.

I'd be more than happy to hear any other thoughts on the topic!

Thanks,

JP

[Gabrielle Adam]

Hi JP,

My thoughts on this is actually more of a question.  A part of me is having a confusing/difficult time understanding how to be neither compliant nor defiant and feels that it's like not turning right or left at a crossroads where the only option is to turn right or left.

I was out with a few friends yesterday and I could feel that a part of me wanted to be extremely compliant like a contorsionist (not sure if that's spelled right) and another part felt attacked at times and wanted to be defiant to push back and I think the score by the end was compliant 2 defiant 1 and a part of me just felt incredibly unauthentic and I guess a part of me is wondering how do you recognize the space in between?

Gaby 

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Date: Fri, 3 Aug 2012 11:37:03 -0700
Subject: {Compassionate Communication}28 Question on Authenticity
From: j...@holistichealthandfitness.com
To: compassionate...@googlegroups.com

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[JP Sears]

Hi Gaby,

I tend to think the space in between compliance or defiance (authenticity) is like coming up to the crossroads where we can only turn left or right, yet we go straight anyway.  There we journey into cutting a new trail never before traveled, where as our past has always been the paved roads found by turning left or right.

My experience on recognize when we're in the space or dancing near it, is that part of us feels scared.  Most of the time we might also notice a part of us sitting on the other end of the fear tree feeling exhilarated.  Have you noticed in your work on your self a sense of fear that comes up when you do something you've never done or think about a life experience from a new angle?

These are very vague thoughts to your thoughts and questions Gaby.  I'm wondering what else you would add to them?

JP

[Gabrielle Adam]

Hi JP,

I think for a part of me she's just kinda getting whiplash looking right and left and maybe considered there to be a wall straight ahead and hadn't acknowledged the potential of walking off the path.  I think a part of me is incredibly uncomfortable with the possibility that the barrier straight ahead may be an illusion and another part feels like maybe it's my own boundary. Thought that just came...maybe this space is beyond my healthy boundary maybe... that's scary to a part of me and another part feels hopeless and another says sweet I've just tripped into one of my boundaries, well now I know it's there :)

And in terms of my own experiences, I think a part of me is potentially terrified at acknowledging this space and freezing and I'm blanking on my own experiences.  I can feel I think a part of completely deny any space and saying "I haven't danced in any space.  At the intersection, I can turn left or right...this isn't Harry Potter so I can't go straight"  And  a part of me is judging this voice to be defiant so I think lots of parts of me are throwing up reactive fireworks.  

I feel your question may have hit a hornet's nest so I'm just going to sit with it all and get back to you another time 

Thanks,

Gaby 

Date: Sat, 4 Aug 2012 15:27:55 -0700
Subject: Re: {Compassionate Communication}31 Question on Authenticity

[shelley.a.quinn]

Hi,
I'm really enjoying considering this topic of authenticity today.

Although I don't feel confident in who I am, at the moment, I am ok with that.

But by beginning to notice where I place myself in respect to another, like compliant or defiant, is really interesting.

Noticed myself amongst friends the other night.  There's one girl who normally exhausts me, because I think I tend to get caught up in her stream of hyperactivity. She's an artist, wife, mom and many other parts.  She creative in her social communications, and shoots the shit with me on life's issues and spiritual stuff.  I like to talk and dream with her, however, I find her quite a control-freak.  So much so, I find myself following her lead to maybe make her calm and happy.
Also, in the past, my feelings have been hurt by her breaking commitments with me, and, in what I consider, taking advantage of my friendship.

Anyways, the other night I just took a step back and observed myself...how I judged her, how I saw the controlling actions...  In my mind I let her free to be herself...  I wondered about how authentic she feels herself. 
I noticed her saying things, like making verbal reflections of what she was perceiving.  My perception of her perception was that she was really trying to feel in control of the chaotic surroundings (reminding me of my mother)... and instead of me pretending to take responsibility of calming her, I just watched in a little fear of myself.  Fear of how I typically allow myself to be pulled into other's dramas? Fear in how I somehow purposely, perhaps for my comfort, put myself in positions to be controlled, ignoring my boundaries (I'm uncertain if I know many of my boundaries).

I'm currently in a position of breaking up with my partner, and I see myself still trying to ease his sufferings...  Because at the moment I have some alone time to myself, without the distraction of his presence, I am starting to see better my inauthenticity, which puts alot of past reactions/responses to my partner in a new perspective for me. For example, I am starting to see why I feel repulsed to my partners touch.  Most of the time, I don't find his touch relaxing, yet he openly craves to be touched and I feel responsible to make him feel comfort even though it's crossing my boundaries of comfort.  It is my experience that his touch always leads to sex, something he craves all the time, but I don't.  This is an issue that's been brought up in the past over and over, but I keep hearing that I have a problem and that his mind is healthy, and so I've tried to believe this.  But since my body has been physically turning off around him, I think I can't ignore myself...

I think I want to strive for authenticity, that would be best for me and all around me.  I find it hard to hault "serving" others because I find it easier than knowing my authentic self.  And I think I tend to find security in another's control, security to be defiant when I want to, and find power when breaking from another's control.  Oh, that's sounds like a doozy to work on, ha!

Yep, thanks for the freedom of this space.
Shelley

[Gabrielle Adam]

I think I understand, a part of me says with the potential that maybe I'm seducing myself.  If I understand what you are saying JP about authenticity and going straight rather than left or right at a crossroads is it then about observing the parts of me that are going left or right and rather than take a side simply allow both points of view to exist and in so doing see past their reaction to what is behind it.  A part of me feels satisfied with this answer and another feels it can't be that simple and another feels that some of the simplest things are the hardest to do.

Gaby

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From: gaby...@hotmail.com
To: compassionate...@googlegroups.com
Subject: RE: {Compassionate Communication}31 Question on Authenticity
Date: Sat, 4 Aug 2012 20:15:47 -0300

[JP Sears]

Hi Gaby,

Based on how I take in your message about observing the parts that want to go left or right or both, rather than fighting them or trying to make their wants go away, it seems very spot on to me.  You say this might be too simple.  And maybe it is.  A thought on truth that some wise folks have past down through the ages:

Truth always has three components:

1. It is always simple
2. It is always paradoxical
3. It can never be spoken

Thanks for sharing Gaby,

JP