Daily Exercise on Comp Comm Model

[JP Sears]

Here is my personal example for the model practice.

The scenario is essentially that there is currently a family member in my life making large demands to dis-own another family member that they are in conflict with.  I feel quite an emotional charge about this.

Exercise 1 (In speaking to my uncle)

1. I feel scared.

2. My experience is that I'm being asked to be responsible for your pain and drama.

3. In my childhood there were many times that I felt obligated to take care of other people around me just to belong to the family.  I was always left feeling insignificant in that I wasn't enough to ease the burden of others no matter how much I gave myself away.

4. My desire is to understand your perspective without taking action on your behalf.

5. Are you willing to share your perspective with me knowing that my ears are open, yet my feet won't be taking action one way or the other on your behalf?

Exercise 2 (My uncle speaking to me)

1. I feel angry.

2. It seems to me that my son has chosen his wife over me.

3. I would guess there are times in my early life that I felt like I was insignificant in the eyes of other people.

4. I want you to give me your loyalty.

5. Are you willing to give me your loyalty by not speaking to my son?

Thank you for allowing me to share.  I'm looking forward to reading some of your examples from your daily practice!

JP

[Shelley Quinn]

Exercise 1

1. Pick a person and situation you have recently had a challenge with.
2. Please write down, in simple terms, your reaction to this person if you were to put it into words.
3. Please write down your response for each of the five elements in the Compassionate Communication model as though you were talking to this person.

1. My partner and I are talking about our relationship and it's future. I want to consider living on my own, a topic that comes up time and again for the past 2 years. This is my reaction to his response from our recent dialogue. (NOTE:We did not scream or raise our voices, we just talk things through. That's how we've always "argued".  On occasion, it's me who typically raises my voice.)

2.  Nauseated, scared to be pushed around, protective, cold, righteous?, constricted, very sad and vulnerable.

3. Parts of me feels sad and scared and alone and like a failure.

My experience is that there is a wall between us, and that you are trying to control me.
When I was a kid, I was controlled by my parents. I would feel like I was in a glass tunnel as they would scream their hearts out in my face. I did not know how to respond, so just took it. I was angry and hurt by their actions.
I want for us to discuss why we have become disconnected from eachother.
Would you be willing to talk with me on this?

Exercise 2

1. Please imagine you are the other person from your Exercise 1 example.
2. Please write down what you would guess their reaction to you was if it were to be put into words.
3. Please write down what you would guess could be this person's response to you for each of the five elements of the Compassionate Communication model.

My husband's reaction to my words was, deeply hurt, protective, controlling, sad, heartbroken, at a loss.

I feel scared and taken advantage of.

My experience is that I am a good husband and everything I do, my actions, to try to make you fall in love me is not working. I am torturing myself to please you.

??When I was a child, I worked very hard to impress my parents, and felt good about myself when I did this. At 12, I had to become adult very quickly because my mother needed a friend to discuss her marriage problems with.  Arguing, fighting, and controlling behaviours was a way of life in my house??

My desire is that you fall in love with me again, forgive me for hurting your feelings, and trust me.

I want to discuss what commitment means to you?

Peace, 

Shelley

JP

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[JP Sears]

Hi Shelley,

With your very open and honest sharing, I'm wondering if I can ask how you feel in response to your experience of your husband's (Exercise 2) feeling scared and taken advantage of?  Do you feel reactive, tense, charged?  Do you feel responsive and calm?  Numb and indifferent?

Thanks for being a teacher for us all Shelley,

JP

[Shelley Quinn]

Hey,
No problem.  I am learning about myself, so trying to be open and honest as possible is totally worth it!
Ooooo, neat question.  My feelings in response to my husband feeling scared and taken advantage of....
slightly numb and powerless, more deeply connected with him, like I want to help him but I don't want to do the work for him-I want him to make efforts, so maybe that's me being controlling?, like a parent, like a big brother, like I'm insignificant, humbled...
maybe a bit frustrated, misinformed!!, wanting to go hide alone in my bedroom, kinda angry, a little suspicious, afraid of being manipulated, imprisoned
hmmm, I think I'll stop there
Take care,
Shelley

[JP Sears]

It sounds like there is lots brewing inside you Shelley!  Taking just the tip of the iceberg that I've heard you is that you feel "numb and powerless" in response to your husband feeling scared and taken advantage of.  Which, based on how I follow, is your reaction to his reaction about your desire to live on your own.  Now that you're about three layers deep on this, in the name of going deeper into your communication with yourself on this, if you went through another trip using the model with "numb and powerless" as your feeling, would you care to share how that would sound for you? 

JP

[Shelley Quinn]

Yes, thankyou for your guidance.
I apologize, I am not sure if I did this right, and do not feel confident with my "desire" and "request" sections.  I just wrote what came naturally to mind.

I am feeling numb and powerless.

My experience is that in serious life-changing situations, like our divorce will be, I want to stop and listen to my thoughts, however my thoughts go blank in a panic from stress, so I end up watching myself panic on the inside and try to hide it from the outside waiting for a release of tension.

Throughout my childhood I remember watching my mother go silent and even blank out when something serious happened.  For example, when I was 6 or 7, once, my mother allowed me to walk home alone from the bus stop.  Instead of going home, I went home with a friend, who lived deeper in the woods (her mother was inviting and probably trying to take care of me).  She called my home later in the evening, and my brother came to fetch me.  From him I knew there was chaos at the house.  Upon arriving home, my mother was in frantic tears in her bedroom.  I said hello to her, but she didn't even look at me or hug me or anything, just kinda zoned out...maybe my stepdad was yelling at her??  Nothing was said to me that I remember, I may have been in trouble?
And another example from earlier that year, when our house burned down.  I actually saved my mom and sister by telling them that the TV was smoking.  We got out of the house in time, but while outside watching our house burn, I sat next to my mother and watched her.  I thought to myself that I should cry, so I began crying, and my mother asked why? I said something about my toys and books.  I don't remember her crying, but she probably did.  And I definitely don't remember being cuddled.  So maybe these are some reasons why I feel I cannot heal while living under the same roof as you?

I desire to not be desired by you physically or emotionally, I only want to be available to take care and love our son.

Are you willing to respect my instincts to separate from you so I can destress and hear my Self without feeling pressured to cater to your desires?

Shelley