"Healing the shame that binds you" and boundary and communication questions

[gaby.adam]

Hi JP and cc gang,

I've been reading the book "Healing the Shame that Binds you" and I have some questions that have come up.

 My question revolves around a sentence in the book where it's mentioned that if you are an addict you have to give up whatever you are addicted to.  For me, I think a part of me is addicted to eating food that I feel guilty about eating such as sweets and another part is addicted to controlling what I eat and so I feel if I stop eating sweets completely I feel that I've given up that addiction only to fuel another one. I guess a part of me is confused and wondering for me if I'm giving up one addiction that actually fuels another one, how do I go about stopping?

For me, while reading this book, I've noticed a lot of feelings coming up.  I think a part of me is overwhelmed at the notion of shame-based families and how it can be transferred from one generation to another and another part feels completely helpless and hopeless that in order to move beyond this shame she feels she's being asked to stay afloat in the ocean while a ball and chain are pulling her down.  A part of me is incredibly angry that she lost trust in herself and is projecting a lot of anger onto her parents who were supposed to protect her.  And I think a hidden agenda with saying all this is that a part of me wants to be acknowledged and wants others to agree with her so she feels just a little less alone that all of this is really tough and scary and wants to be reassured that she's a good person.  And I think what this is covering up is a part of me feels really ashamed to feel like maybe she's a bad person, like maybe she's a bully to herself and maybe what's underneath the bully is a voice that says "I'm not worth it, I'm not worth healing, I don't deserve it." And a part of me feels so incredibly naked voicing any of this. And another hidden agenda a part of me wants to be seen as brave for saying any of this. Ok I won't be any more naked than this!

I also have a question about boundaries:

A part of me is a little confused with what a healthy and unhealthy boundary are.  From my perspective, a healthy boundary is one you know is there and unhealthy is you don't know about it, is this correct??

Another question maybe maybe not about boundaries:

How do I know when I'm projecting onto someone else my own perspective vs. feeling authentically like there may be a hidden agenda or someone may be reacting. (ie if I feel someone is angry how do I know if I'm not just projecting my anger onto them?)  

That's it for now,

Gaby

  

[JP Sears]

Hi Gaby,

I'm more than happy to offer some thoughts about your thoughts if you care to read them.

As far as trading one addiction for another...That is usually what happens unless a person works on their real addiction.  Perhaps a possibility of the real addiction with your tendency to eat food you feel guilty about and also to have strict control of your food is an addiction to a cycle of feeling out of control follow by feeling in control.  Dancing with that possibility, aside from guilt, what emotions does part of you experience when you eat foods that part of you judges to be wrong?  What emotions does part of you experience when you're very controlling of your food?

The author of Healing the Shame that Binds You, John Bradshaw, has done lots of work with clients (and his life too) regarding alcohol.  Though an addiction to alcohol is likely a symptom of a deeper addiction, it is still necessary to remove that substance from one's life as the deeper components of the addiction remain unreachable otherwise due to the self medication numbing that happens with it (hence John says you've gotta remove the substance from your life).  This would be one of the reasons why food addictions are more multi-dimensional than other "substance" addictions, as we can't just eliminate food from our life (unless you're a breatharian).  So the devil we dance with (food addiction) can't be eliminated, so it means we get to learn how to dance with the devil without losing self.

Your thought on healthy boundaries Gaby, "From my perspective, a healthy boundary is one you know is there and unhealthy is you don't know about it, is this correct??"  Who knows if this is correct, yet I sure agree with it.  I would add to it a bit of a footnote thought, the awareness of knowing our boundaries is the important part.  If we know our boundaries and choose to infringe on them, its at least a conscious choice.  This gives us boundaries about our boundaries...Whereas if we didn't give ourselves a choice whether or not to stay within our boundaries, our boundaries would perhaps become a violating prison in and of themselves. 

A thought on your last question of "How do I know when I'm projecting onto someone else my own perspective vs. feeling authentically like there may be a hidden agenda or someone may be reacting. (ie if I feel someone is angry how do I know if I'm not just projecting my anger onto them?) "  Is it perhaps the case that if we sense something in the other, that it is always a projection from our self.  From that self awareness maybe the best we can do is taking a step into the abyss of curiosity of wondering if it could be true for the other.  This curiosity about the other is maybe never able to be satisfied with any certainty as any perception of them (even listening to their words) is formed out of us projecting self onto them.

I'd love to hear how any of your thoughts bounce off these thoughts about your thoughts.

JP  

  

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[Gabrielle Adam]

Hi JP,

   I've been thinking about your question about how I feel when I eat foods that a part of me judges to be bad and I have to say to me the emotions seem very subtle. I think some of the emotions that I am aware of feeling when I eat foods that a part of me judges to be wrong could be a sense of failure, a sense of powerlessness and a part of me also rationalizes that it's no big deal, just a bit won't hurt and tomorrow I'll stop for real .  

   When I'm very controlling a part of me feels a sense of comfort, a sense of identity and purpose, an invigorated sense of triumph, a sense of hope and potential about who I could be. I feel like there is also a feeling of punishment maybe towards being out of control and so the control is a punishment to a part of me and vice versa the out of control is a punishment towards the control.  Definitely I find that the controlling food works until a part of me feels trapped and like it's a forbidden fruit and then a part of me really wants to eat it. 

   A part of me is definitely curious why a part of me is defiant/compliant to the control or maybe it represents a deeper defiance/compliance acted out with food? Definitely a hidden agenda is a part of me is controlling food to become perfect and maybe another hidden agenda is to be a complete failure.  Maybe a part of me is acting out a childhood memory where food was used  as a way to control the child in me and little Gaby is maybe very angry that food which she needed for survival was used as a way of manipulating her behaviour/her feelings where she perceived the choice to be between being authentic and being fed which would therefore mean survival.  But then another part of me thinks that desserts wouldn't have been necessary for survival... 

   If I'm reading your thoughts on boundaries it makes alot of sense to me and if I'm going back to the food thing from what I understand Bradshaw says that as a child we get our boundaries from our parents, I think, and maybe then if my parents were not aware of their boundaries and transferred them onto little Gaby maybe she felt violated as she didn't have a choice about them and then maybe it's not really about food maybe it's more about feeling like she was imprisoned for not ever knowing why??

    ANd looking at your thoughts on my thoughts about projections I think a part of me reads this and is comforted with the uncertainty and the space it creates and I think another part just feels like to be in control/for my survival I need certainty, I need black and white, right and wrong, not shades...I hear ya,to live I need certainty and uncertainty maybe the balance of night and day...and maybe that's what's needed for the earth to turn acknowledgment and acceptance that for half the world it is night and half the world it is day...(hidden agenda, a part of me thought this last line would make me sound really cool :)

I appreciate your thoughts JP, Thanks!

Gaby

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Date: Thu, 9 Aug 2012 05:13:27 -0700
Subject: Re: {Compassionate Communication}37 "Healing the shame that binds you" and boundary and communication questions
From: j...@holistichealthandfitness.com
To: compassionate...@googlegroups.com

[Gabrielle Adam]

I've realized that when I feel out of control (something doesn't go the way a part of me expected it to go) I eat to feel in control.  I feel as though I've hit something pretty solid while digging here...

Gaby

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From: gaby...@hotmail.com
To: compassionate...@googlegroups.com
Subject: RE: {Compassionate Communication}37 "Healing the shame that binds you" and boundary and communication questions
Date: Sun, 12 Aug 2012 14:12:05 -0300

[JP Sears]

Hi Gaby,

Thanks for sharing this.  If I may ask a question without stepping on your toes...After you eat to feel in control, how long is it before part of you feels out of control about your method (eating) of creating a sense of control?

I ask as your answer may reveal a bit of a broader cross section of your cyclical pattern.

Thanks for entertaining the thought,

JP

[Gabrielle Adam]

Hi JP,

I've been thinking about this question and I'm not sure but it seems like sometimes a part of me will feel out of control shortly after eating and yet sometimes it seems like a part of me doesn't feel out of control except maybe the next day.

Gaby

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Date: Tue, 28 Aug 2012 08:29:52 -0700
Subject: Re: {Compassionate Communication}44 "Healing the shame that binds you" and boundary and communication questions