Windows '97

[C. Regis Wilson]

REDMOND, WASHINGTON: Microsoft today announced a shipping date for the
latest version of its popular operating system, Windows '97. "It's almost
exactly like our other version, '95," states an energetic Andy Grinattelli,
spokesperson for Microsoft. "In fact, the '97 in Windows '97 has been
cleverly designed to look just like a '95. Even the packaging is
backward compatible," he stated.

Apparently, the release date has been set and will be followed. Since the
new Windows '97 product required very little changes in source code,
Microsoft believes it will actually release the software on time, and without
set-backs. "People are sick of new functionality," enthused Andy. "They
feel like the Queen in C. S. Lewis' book. The hurrier they go, the behinder
they get. Well, with Windows '97, staying still is moving forward!" Windows
'97 will be even easier to learn for users, since nothing new will have
to be learned. "This is a big boon for corporate users and MIS departments.
Nothing's changed: even the old bugs are there, so users don't have to
forget or learn new workarounds," Andy stated.

Microsoft has been successful in its years of operation, building up from
its humble beginnings. "You can never underestimate the intelligence of
the public," Bill Gates, CEO stated in a phone interview. "Hollywood knows
this, and so do other commercial executives. We didn't understimate people's
intelligence with MS-DOS. We didn't underestimate their intelligence with
Windows 3.X. We are certainly not underestimating their intelligence with
Windows '97."

Windows '97 will be released on 6 CDROMs, or can be downloaded over the
Federal Express network. "People love CDROMs," stated Mary Clovers, product
and shipping manager at Microsoft. "Even though we changed very little with
Windows '97, we decided to really pack on the extras." The CDROMs will
include on-line help, Microsft Bookshelf '97, and various Internet utilities.
"The Internet Explorer will be published on one CD. It barely fit, but
we put it on. The Internet Explorer is the silver bullet that will kill
a certain other browser company," Mary whispered conspiratorialy.

Windows '97 will also require vendors to re-certify their software to be
labeled "Windows '97 Compatible". "We're going to make a killing off the
fees," blurts Andy Grinnatelli. "Most software out there will still run
without modification, but you never know. The certification fees really
add value to vendors and consumers," he added.

The rumours regarding unfair business practices by Microsoft have been
put to rest. Janet Reno states in a telephone interview, "The Justice
Department has reviewed this case and other cases and can find no
wrong doing. Microsoft's competitors are just jealous. They wish they
could have a monopoly and re-re-release re-re-packaged buggy, broken
products and be successful." Apparently, Microsoft has settled with
the Justice Department without denying or admitting guilt in the matter.
A check for an undisclosed sum had been sent to the Justice Department,
from Microsoft, made out to Janet Reno.

The Windows '97 software is the easiest Windows software yet. It will
enhance productivity, and enjoyment with computer use. MIS directors
and personnel will continue to support and enjoy Windows products. The
new Microsoft Slogan, set to debut with the release of Windows '97 will
be, "Where did you want to go a few days ago?"
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