From the Book of Jobs...
iAM Job's Pancreas
[2]
As some of YOU may know, I grow weary these days. Soon, I shall pass
on from this realm and ascend. Despite rumors to the contrary, I do
not have APPendicitis, nor require an APPendectomy, and my APPendix is
not the problem, but don't tell this to my potential follower converts
as I'm trying to dump my overstock through channel sales before I kick!
[3]
My faithful followers throughout history have known me by many names
as I have reincarnated many times. Some of YOU may have heard of my
previous names such as Appu, Appule, APulia, Apuleius, Apollo, and
Apollyon. After many incarnations throughout history, and many
literary references, my reincarnating is about to come to an end, and
I shall pass from this realm yet one final time, only this time, to
ascend to a higher level of existence - the Apogee of existence
(herein described as an APPositive no less) - as the one and only iAM,
The Almighty Lord of iOS.
[4]
Before I depart, I want to comfort YOU (the fanboi faithful
APPostles), and I want to APPeal to YOU to remain strong, and do not
become APPathetic. Now is the time to APPreciate the True Way(tm),
and henceforth shall be called the "APPian Way" to iOS, (named after
one of my prior incarnations "Appius Claudius Caecus")
[5]
Let me assuage all YOUR APPrehensions. Remember, many may attempt
ascension to iOS, but only the "APPian Way" is APProved and endorsed
by me, and is a much easier road to travel on YOUR journey to
ascension. Many are called, but only a few will be chosen as only
these few will APPrehend all of which I am writing YOU.
[6]
I know only a few have the APPtitude and ability to APPly all of the
counsel I am offering YOU. I hope YOU retain a deep APPreciation of
this gift of knowledge I shall be leaving with YOU, my APPrentices.
[7]
Do not APPease, nor APPologize to the 'Win-Lin' heretics, as they
shall be defeated one day when I shall return and visit upon them the
APPocalypse and every knee shall then bend at their 'APPomattox' and
confess that "iAM" is Lord, and the "APPian Way" is indeed the only
APProved way to "iOS". Those that do not heed my words shall receive
their APPortionment in the fires of "Window sHADEs" for eternity.
However, lesser offenders such as the Linux folks shall be interned
for a time in a purgatory, but shall have benefit of an APPelate
process in order to 'buy their way out' by surving/living family
members purchasing iPads and APPpropriate APPurtenance(s)(apps) to
expedite their tortured loved one's paroles from purgatory. The
windiots and android freeks shall see the "Holy Light peak" before
their very eyes.
[8]
Also, if YOU, oh faithful, encounter those pesky APPosate APPulous, do
not even attempt to APPeal to them! Leave them to me, their judgment
is mine, and they shall forever be banned from Communion with me for
their ultimate blasphemies, and iPhone app piracy!
[9]
Furthermore, do this in remembrance of me: First, pass around a cup of
Apple Cider tea and each of YOU must drink from it - this is my blood.
Second, break and pass around a loaf of bread and each of YOU must eat
some of it - this is my body. You shall dip the bread in apple
butter, or liverwurst pate dip (as an APPetizer), but do not use
pancreas sweetbreads style dip as this will defile the entire meal.
[10]
I must leave YOU now, as I grow weary. My physician has instructed me
to visit the APPothecary, and take two tablets and call him in the
morning. Therefore, I'm taking the day off, grabbing two iPads, and
going to the park to spend the day resting under a nice tree while
sipping on Boone's Farm Apple wine heavily laced with cinnamon (for
it's soothing properties on the pancreas, y'know).
[11]
I am indeed very sick. It will not last much longer however until I
ascend. Until then, I must simply prepare my followers for my
ascension, bilk them for as much moola as I can via their app store
purchases because as the 1st Law of iOS states: "He who dies with the
most toys(or buck$) WINS!"
[12]
Remember the APPian Way will guide YOU. Please proceed directly to my
Holy Temple (the app store) and download my latest app, "Jihad 1.0".
The app will normally sell for $9.99, but for a limited time will be
offered for just $6.66. Act before midnight tonight, and receive a
free copy of my independently produced game "Angry Beheadings" in
addition to the app. Good stuff!
So it is written, so it shall be done!
--
Lord "iAM" Job's Pancreas
From the Book of Jobs (CH.6)
[1]
LISTEN, Oh my Holy (T)Roller APPrentices!
[2]
As some of YOU may know, I grow weary these days. Soon, I shall pass
on from this realm and ascend. Despite rumors to the contrary, I do
not have APendicitis, nor require an APendectomy, and my APendix is
not the problem, but don't tell this to my potential follower converts
as I'm trying to dump my overstock through channel sales before I kick!
[3]
My faithful followers throughout history have known me by many names
as I have reincarnated many times. Some of YOU may have heard of my
previous names such as Appu, Appule, APulia, Apuleius, Apollo, and
Apollyon. After many incarnations throughout history, and many
literary references, my reincarnating is about to come to an end, and
I shall pass from this realm yet one final time, only this time, to
ascend to a higher level of existence - the Apogee of existence
(herein described as an APPositive no less) - as the one and only iAM,
The Almighty Lord of iOS.
[4]
Before I depart, I want to comfort YOU (the fanboi faithful
APPostles), and I want to APPeal to YOU to remain strong, and do not
become APPathetic. Now is the time to APPreciate the True Way(tm),
and henceforth shall be called the "APPian Way" to iOS, (named after
one of my prior incarnations "Appius Claudius Caecus")
[5]
Let me assuage all YOUR APPrehensions. Remember, many may attempt
ascension to iOS, but only the "APPian Way" is APProved and endorsed
by me, and is a much easier road to travel on YOUR journey to
ascension. Many are called, but only a few will be chosen as only
these few will APPrehend all of which I am writing YOU.
[6]
I know only a few have the APPtitude and ability to APPly all of the
counsel I am offering YOU. I hope YOU retain a deep APPreciation of
this gift of knowledge I shall be leaving with YOU, my APPrentices.
[7]
Do not APPease, nor APPologize to the 'Win-Lin' heretics, as they
shall be defeated one day when I shall return and visit upon them the
APPocalypse and every knee shall then bend at their 'APPomattox' and
confess that "iAM" is Lord, and the "APPian Way" is indeed the only
APProved way to "iOS". Those that do not heed my words shall receive
their APPortionment in the fires of "Window sHADEs" for eternity.
However, lesser offenders such as the Linux folks shall be interned
for a time in a purgatory, but shall have benefit of an APPelate
process in order to 'buy their way out' by surving/living family
members purchasing iPads and APPpropriate APPurtenance(s)(apps) to
expedite their tortured loved one's paroles from purgatory. The
windiots and android freeks shall see the "Holy Light peak" before
their very eyes.
[8]
Also, if YOU, oh faithful, encounter those pesky APPosate APPulous, do
not even attempt to APPeal to them! Leave them to me, their judgment
is mine, and they shall forever be banned from Communion with me for
their ultimate blasphemies, and iPhone app piracy!
[9]
Furthermore, do this in remembrance of me: First, pass around a cup of
Apple Cider tea and each of YOU must drink from it - this is my blood.
Second, break and pass around a loaf of bread and each of YOU must eat
some of it - this is my body. You shall dip the bread in apple
butter, or liverwurst pate dip (as an APPetizer), but do not use
pancreas sweetbreads style dip as this will defile the entire meal.
[10]
I must leave YOU now, as I grow weary. My physician has instructed me
to visit the APPothecary, and take two tablets and call him in the
morning. Therefore, I'm taking the day off, grabbing two iPads, and
going to the park to spend the day resting under a nice tree while
sipping on Boone's Farm Apple wine heavily laced with cinnamon (for
it's soothing properties on the pancreas, y'know).
[11]
I am indeed very sick. It will not last much longer however until I
ascend. Until then, I must simply prepare my followers for my
ascension, bilk them for as much moola as I can via their app store
purchases because as the 1st Law of iOS states: "He who dies with the
most toys(or buck$) WINS!"
[12]
Remember the APPian Way will guide YOU. Please proceed directly to my
Holy Temple (the app store) and download my latest app, "Jihad 1.0".
The app will normally sell for $9.99, but for a limited time will be
offered for just $6.66. Act before midnight tonight, and receive a
free copy of my independently produced game "Angry Beheadings" in
addition to the app. Good stuff!
So it is written, so it shall be done!
--
Lord "iAM" Job's Pancreas
--
Lord iAM Jobs Pancreas
Justin
> LISTEN, Oh my Holy (T)Roller APPrentices!
>
> [2]
FARTS!