[NEWS] Terrifying Ellison Plot Revealed

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Chris Kelly

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Jul 30, 2001, 12:44:48 AM7/30/01
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EAST NEWARK, Calif. July 31, 1999 (W-I-R-E-D News) - A terrifying
video tape purportedly showing Oracle CEO Larry "Lawrence" Ellison
conceiving a dastardly plot for world domination has just been
discovered.

The video, obtained through trusted but unnamed sources, shows Ellison
- dressed in full Samurai regalia and petting a stuffed Koi fish -
discussing the details of his plot. The video, although grainy and
very low-quality, appears to have been shot in Ellison's secret
mountain fortress high above Newark in the East Bay Area.

"Henceforth, I shall no longer be known as Lawrence Ellison! From this
moment forward, I shall be known as Supreme Samurai Shigetoshi of the
clan Hasegawa!" the tape begins. "We shall install NCs in all of
America's motel rooms! America shall entrust its data to me, the
Supreme Samurai! The PC Revolution shall finally be quelled! We shall
have access to all data! All Britney Spears fakes shall be mine!
BWAHAHAHAHA!!!"

The tape reveals some technical details of the plot. The "Motel Rules"
sign on the back of each motel room door will be replaced with a two
foot by three foot poster, printed in six point type, listing common
Linux commands, explaining how to remove Netscape lock files,
explaining what to do when Netscape crashes, explaining how to figure
out how many Netscape windows can be opened before Netscape crashes,
explaining how to tell whether Netscape is just thinking or has
actually crashed, explaining how to figure out if Netscape will print
anything after having printed 'Starting Java...', explaining how to
set the classpath, and explaining how to reboot the system. "America
shall gladly give up her hard drives simply to prevent Netscape from
corrupting them!"

A spokesperson from Oracle's Apologistics department stated that the
tape is "an obvious forgery." He stated that "these are the types of
ideas you only have when you're really, really drunk. You know,
almost-about-to-pass-out drunk." However, he went on to say "the NC
idea does have a lot of promise."

We attempted to contact Ellison for comment after yesterday's 'Rock
Against Microsoft' concert at Cupertino Community College. As we
followed him to his solar-powered JavaCar(TM), he stated "the tape is
an obvious forgery. I have no comment." Shortly thereafter, he asked
"Anyone know what 'Class com.chevy.Start Not Found' means? Anyone want
to help me push start this thing?"


SATIRE -- SATIRE -- SATIRE -- SATIRE -- SATIRE -- SATIRE

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JTK

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Jul 30, 2001, 12:56:05 AM7/30/01
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In article <3b64e6c7...@ca.news.verio.net>, Chris Kelly says...

[snip]

> As we
>followed him to his solar-powered JavaCar(TM), he stated "the tape is
>an obvious forgery. I have no comment." Shortly thereafter, he asked
>"Anyone know what 'Class com.chevy.Start Not Found' means? Anyone want
>to help me push start this thing?"

Ooof, so close! But "solar-powered JavaCar(TM)"? Satire has to be at least
somewhat remotely plausible, Chris!

Or did you mean "solar-powered" as in "fusion-powered"? Now *that's* a bit more
believable!

--
JTK

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