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Gildo Santiago
A month ago, I wrote a piece on the anti-love song, exploring the bitter and the scorned characters of Broadway musicals. With Valentine's Day just a few days away, I suppose I should provide an antidote to all the vitriol and tears. Since the straightforward love song is not particularly my bag, I have decided to celebrate Hallmark's pay dirt by reveling in my ten favorite musical comedy duets about love. It's not as romantic a topic, but infinitely more sincere and satisfying.
If you are going to spoof a musical, you undoubtedly have to skewer the love songs of this entertainment genre. It truly is funny to think about two lovers, so close to each other's faces, singing with gusto and spitting everywhere. "The Song That Goes Like This" from Spamalot takes the Broadway musical love song and elevates it to the most ridiculous of satires. It even takes the time to acknowledge the dramatic change-of-key that punctuates the growing intensity and passion is many romantic duets. It is hilarity on a grand scale.
Pretending to be handicapped to try to win the lady (for her money) is a dirty rotten thing to do, especially when the lady is a little off her beam. American Soap Queen Christine Colgate is nuts, so she seemingly falls for Freddy Benson's elaborate ruse that includes a wheelchair and a guilt trip. As she sings a torchy love song about the moon and all the wonderful things in the world, he responds by listing the miracles that inspire him: hotels giving out free shampoo, Krazy Glue, winning a free set of tires. He gets his comeuppance in the end, though, when it turns out that she is a con artist scamming him. "Nothing Is Too Wonderful to Be True" has a gorgeous, sweeping romantic melody and transitions from an earnest love song into a great comedy duet.
Two princes, each with perpetual erections, run around in the woods looking for maidens in distress (or is it maidens to undress?). "Agony" is such a terrific comic duet about the wandering eye of lust and how certain men are disgustingly comfortable with treating women as mountains to be climbed, then setting them aside for a new adventure. What makes the duet work is how expertly it paints their world while simultaneously making them look like the heels that they are. Sex does not equal love, gentlemen!
Long engagements are usually a prudent idea. It gives a couple a chance to really get to know each other before taking the big plunge into marriage. Miss Adelaide has been engaged for fourteen years, and just as her gambler of a fiance Nathan Detroit seems as though he will tie the knot, he loses a bet that forces him to miss their elopement. Adelaide finally tells him off in this hysterical duet that is equal parts diatribe and pathetic pleading. His only response: "Call a lawyer and sue me, sue me, what can you do me? I love you."
Ado Annie Carnes likes the boys. In fact, she has a bit of a reputation for letting them go too far. Cowboy Will Parker wants to marry Ado Annie, but wants her to get her impulses in-check. I don't know if its all the layers of petticoats that gets her so hot in the pants, but Ado Annie vows to Will, through this comic interchange, that she will be his one and only. Maybe that wind sweeping down the plain will cool her off enough to say "No."
When the Detective named Stone shows up at the Hollywood palace of Alaura Kingsley, he is invited into a sexually explicit game of tennis. Sexual innuendos are volleyed back and forth as the match becomes a heated metaphor for unbridled lust (and ultimately, deception). David Zippel's lyrics seethe with libidinous overtones, punctuated by Cy Coleman's saucy melody.
Never, in musical theatre history, has the idea of cannibalism been, shall I go there, so delicious! Human beings seldom connect in this world, and it is understandable that murder can be a shared experience that creates bonds. Barber Sweeney Todd and his meat pie-making neighbor Mrs. Lovett devise a plan to perform multiple murders and to hide the bodies in her wares. This gruesome pact disintegrates into a laugh-riot, comedy duet that explores the many flavors of human flesh. It's the little things that bring us together.
Every man must try the tactic of seducing a former lover by extolling the virtues of his much younger, much newer model. I imagine that this must work quite well. It certainly did for Fredrik Egerman in A Little Night Music as he aggravates the paramour of his youth, aging actress Desiree Armfeldt, by relating to her the insipid innocence of his child bride Anne. In the end, Desiree helps him see the errors of his ways and proves that youth cannot hold a candle to experience.
All the poor boy wants to do is see every famous site in his father's dated NYC guidebook. Boy jumps into cab to do so. Boy meets girl: a sassy cabdriver who has designs about getting him up to her place. As he lists each destination that he wants to go, she truthfully informs him that each locale is either no longer there, or has been outshined by something new. She assures him that the best time will be had in her apartment. Despite his protests, she stands her ground and, wouldn't you know, she gets the pretty little sailor boy exactly where she wants him; her place!
Zero and Stanley head towards God's thumb, periodically giving each other the thumbs up sign for reassurance as they walk. They carry Zero's shovel and four of the unbroken sploosh jars in the burlap sunflower seed sack. Zero often has severe attacks of stomach pain. Stanley spells words for Zero to keep him occupied. They climb up towards the thumb. At one point Zero uses the shovel to help Stanley up part of a cliff. This causes Zero, who is already weak and sick, to get big cuts in his hands.
Zero has passed out and Stanley leaves the shovel and jars on the ground so that he can carry Zero up the mountain. There is a bitter smell in the air and mud on the ground when Stanley reaches the top of the mountain. Stanley realizes that mud means there is water nearby and this renews his strength. He digs an onion out of the mud and he and Zero both eat half of it.
Stanley wakes to find himself in the middle of a giant meadow. Zero is still very sick but tells Stanley that it was he, Zero, who stole Clyde Livingston's shoes from the homeless shelter. He apologizes to Stanley and Stanley sings Zero the song that Madame Zeroni taught his great-great- grandfather.
Stanley digs up another onion and the narration shifts back to one hundred and ten years ago when Sam was selling onions. A woman thanks Sam for an onion remedy that saved her daughter's life. The narration shifts again to Stanley and Zero who spend two days eating onions and drinking dirty water from pools of mud. Stanley heads back down the mountain to find the shovel and jars he left behind. He is stunned at the distance that he covered while carrying Zero.
Zero gets better and tells Stanley that he was homeless before he came to Camp Green Lake. He often went to the homeless shelter that Clyde Livingston's shoes were in. Zero took the shoes because he thought it was better to take a pair of old shoes than to steal a pair of new shoes. He couldn't read the sign explaining whose shoes they were. Zero was wearing the shoes when people at the shelter discovered they were stolen. Everyone was so upset about the stolen shoes that Zero ran outside and places the shoes on top of a parked car. The next day Zero was arrested when he stole a new pair of shoes.
Zero and Stanley make a large hole for water with the shovel. Stanley realizes that he is happier than he has ever been before. He realizes he is happy he got arrested because now he has a friend and likes himself as well. Stanley thinks about secretly returning to camp and digging up the treasure that may be in the hole where he found the lipstick container.
Zero and Stanley pack water in the bottles and onions in the sack and plan to return to Camp in an attempt to dig up treasure and then escape. They wait until daylight before leaving. While they wait, Zero tells Stanley more about his life. Zero remembers his mother singing him the same song that Stanley sang, only with different words. One day Zero's mother left him in a park and told him to wait for her. He waited for a month, but she never returned. As they return to Camp Green Lake, Zero steers them in the right direction after Stanley takes a wrong turn. They reach camp and hide near the hole that Stanley found the lipstick tube in.
Stanley and Zero demonstrate their commitment to each other and their true friendship. They each make sacrifices for the other which show that they honestly want to help each other and are not just helping each other in order to attain some benefit for themselves. When they reach God's thumb it becomes clear that this is Sam's old onion patch, a place where, according to Sam, water runs uphill. At this point the real parallels between Elya Yelnats and Madame Zeroni's story and Stanley and Zero's story become clear. Elya Yelnats promised to carry Madame Zeroni up a mountain to a stream where the water ran uphill and then sing her the song about the wolf and the woodpecker. Although Elya never fulfilles this promise, his descendent, Stanley Yelnats, carries Madame Zeroni's descendent up a hill to a place where the water runs uphill and then sings him that same song. By doing this, Stanley demonstrates true dedication and perseverance, qualities that Elya obviously lacked when he broke his promise to Madame Zeroni.
The fact that Zero is the one who stole Clyde Livingston's shoes brings up the issue of fate. The set of coincidences that results in both Stanley and Zero being at Camp Green Lake is so extraordinary that it appears as if the hand of fate pushed a Yelnats and a Zeroni together again. While fate landed Zero and Stanley in Camp Green Lake, it is entirely their own actions of friendship that helped them to reach the onion field on top of the thumb-shaped mountain. A knowledge of history helps explain Zero's miraculous recovery atop the mountain. Sam once saved a girl who was suffering from stomach problems by giving her onion remedies and these same onions help Zero recover more than one hundred years later. This information reinforces the theme of cycles that repeat themselves throughout the ages. Another similarity between characters is the fact that Zero often went to the same homeless shelter that Clyde Livingston, the famous baseball player, once lived at. Being homeless is a clear disadvantage but the reader knows that Livingston went on to become a successful baseball player and it now appears that Zero might succeed as well. Zero has already improved his reading skills dramatically and it is obvious that he is naturally very intelligent. If he and Stanley escape Camp Green Lake then Zero has a good chance of becoming successful himself.
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