Mindful Anxiety

[sitiaswindow]

Upon the end of this past weeks topic of Mindfulness & Meditation,  I came to some insights about my experience, which I will share.

We were asked to choose something ordinary, which we almost daily, and do it with awareness.  I felt put upon with this one.  I take pleasure, and even look forward to, the times where I will get to be in (what feels to me) like a state of "in-between-ness"  moments between moments if I may say.  Be it washing dishes, walking to work, walking the dog, driving.  I find that especially lately in my life, which has been quite stressful and difficult, that I look forward to these moments between moments even more.  It has been practically my ONLY time of relaxed peace.  

So, I found something else in myself that was particularly challenging to carry mindfulness/awareness into this past week; anxiety and panic attacks.  In some way, it was fortunate that it just happened to be what I was experiencing frequently.....so an easy target.  

I found it quite interesting to experiment with, and I will share this one instance in particular.  I have been looking for a new place to live (in Toronto) a new job, a new life.  I just finished viewing a bachelor apartment.  Many of you probably know, that when viewing these kinds of places, there are many people interested and so the competition is high.  I was fairly prepared, however I had a lot of built up tension all day thinking about this place.  I really wanted to finally settle on a place, this one was perfect.  After having filled out the application, had a self-promotional talk to the superviser of the building, and lingered for too long to see who else was coming.....I left feeling confident that I did all I could and the rest was fate.  

As I was walking away towards Queen Street, I began to feel all the gross pressure that had built during the day, rise up to my throat.  My chest was heavy and felt like it was concaving, forcing me to hunch over a little.  I wanted to choke.

This being about the 3rd panic attack I had this week, I tuned in to watch myself.  I immediately took long conscious breaths deep into my chest.  I could feel my body resisting them, like an opposing force, though I continued.  My heart was pounding densely, and it seemed that no matter how I attempted to calm my anxiety, it was still there.  

So, I realised, that being aware with this experience meant, not trying to make it leave, but actually sitting with it.  Just Sit.

This was a newfound concept to me for anxiety.  As I came to this, I stopped my step.  I stood on a residential street, breathing more softly now so as not to have anything for my body to resist totally, and allowed myself to feel. I stopped to give myself permission to have anxiety.

While I did that, I felt my whole body relax.  I remembered that, every time I had anxiety/panic attack before I felt guilty about having it.  That for one, it meant that I wasn't a "Zen" person anymore.  Secondly, pressure that, having yoga/meditation experience, I should be have acquired the ability to calm myself down.......quickly.

"You're having a panic attack, and thats okay."  I spoke to myself, and I continued to watch my body soften.  Then I felt a flood of tears and relief.  A release I had never encountered accompanying a panic attack.  I usually feel like I can't cry at all.  I usually just wait for it to be over, doing my best with the breath.  This was new and insightful.

After some time I continued walking. It still was about 40 minutes before I felt normal again, fragile but more confident than before.  

If anyone has thoughts on living with anxiety/panic attacks, I would love to hear.

Thanks for reading.

Peace.

Sitia