Is Dating Easy In Japan

[Ashley]

Thefirst topic we agreed to write about is dating. Specifically, dating Japanese people in Japan. Kayo wrote her piece from the perspective of an outgoing, independent, and overall badass Japanese lady. Be sure to check it out here.

Then there is language. Japanese language is extremely high context, and the level of mastery you need for a healthy, fulfilling relationship goes far beyond what you need with friends or for business.

Naturally, people who feel exhausted with their lives in Japan figure the grass must be greener at the chalet. Usually you can tell when during the first few dates, your romantic interest asks you how long before you plan to go home, and how wonderful it must be to live abroad.

The most famous is the go-kon (合コン), which is basically a group first date. Many Japanese people are nervous of just meeting one-on-one, so instead they meet two-on-two, or three-on-three. A group of single ladies will meet with a group of single men, and couples will be formed.

I was also surprised by how many couples are formed within companies. Japanese employment is usually for life, so the company can be a second family. When you spend most of your time with colleagues, romance will naturally ensue.

Sadly, sometimes declarations fail. If she friendzones you, tough luck. On the bright side, you get to use one of my favorite Japanese phrases, furareta (振られた, meaning to get rejected)! Might as well turn it into a learning experience.

Also, as you say in your blog post: Speaking the local language really opens up lots of more possibilities. In China most people either speak very poor English, or (for the vast majority) do not speak any English at all.

The truth is (this is my gut feeling, you may challenge me on that ? ) about 95% of the woman will never consider dating a foreigner, about 5% would date both and then there is this tiny tiny fraction of women (actually significantly less than 1%) that will

exclusively target foreigners. They have the same weird motives of mixed blood child and this BS and some want to leave China ( a lot of Chinese people are not very happy with their lives).

Additionally, due to this stupid one child policy and the fact that still to this date women are considered as the inferior gender, men significantly outnumber the women. So there is a shortage of women especially in rural

areas. However, while men tend to stay at home the women tend to move into the big cities. Therefore in cities like Shanghai and Shenzhen women outnumber men a little bit.

Due to these circumstances foreigners (applies only to males) are considered to be stealing Chinese women while women that date a foreigner are considered inferior and therefore dating a foreigner gets a pretty bad touch.

1. Some girls will want to fuck/date/bfgf because you are white. These tend to be 1-3s/10 with the occasional cute party girl, but these girls are low not just because of looks but they will have the worst personalities. Girls that like you for being white, black, American- these girls are the bottom of the barrel, girls that japanese guys tend to not like (its no wonder they suddenly quit and turn to foreigners).

I can 100% confirm this experience. In Tokyo it is easy to get with women, but remember there are over 40 million people living in that area. In reality there are not that many women interested in dating a foreigner, especially high quality women.

It is commonly believed that dating in Japan is easy for non-Asian (particularly white) men and hard for women. I came across a blog post by zoomingjapn, a German girl living in Japan, writing about dating in Japan as a foreigner. She expresses this view.

However, there are many people who are successful at dating in Japan. Many people provided counter-examples in the comments. My personal experience also tells me that dating in Japan is completely feasible and a lot of my friends seem to be doing OK with dating here. Then the real question is this: what is the difference between successful and unsuccessful people?

Dating in Japan can be a bit harder, compared to a more socially open country, because Japanese people tend to be reserved and cautious with strangers. Every time I go to North America or Europe, I notice how easy it is to talk to random people. If it feels harder to date in Japan, maybe it really is.

I personally know many examples of foreign men marrying, having kids with, and even moving abroad (out of Japan) with their Japanese significant others and families and generally having successful relationships. That's not to say that they don't deal with culture differences and language barriers of course though.

I know ZERO examples of that with a foreign woman and Japanese man. The only relationships that I've seen be at least sort of successful are ones where the Japanese man is either half, speaks English very well (or whatever home language of the person they are dating), and/or has lived abroad for significant periods of their life. I do not think internationally minded, English speaking Japanese men is the norm at all. With a born and raised, Japanese only speaking Japanese man and foreign women, it just does not work for so many reasons. Take the normal difficulties of cultural differences and language barriers and then add just a fundamental difference in upbringing regarding what mens and womens roles are and it is a recipe for disaster.

When I moved to Japan about five years ago, I quickly realized that finding love in this country was not going to be an easy task. Most western men I met were either gay, in a relationship or only interested in Japanese women. I did find Japanese guys very attractive, but they would never approach me, being notoriously shy around foreign women. I could sometimes detect a flicker of interest, at most, before they ran away.

If my dates were always very friendly, it was sometimes hard to tell if they were interested in me or not. Where western guys would perhaps try to kiss you goodnight or try to invite themselves for a late night coffee, Japanese guys would awkwardly shake your hand, at most. I never had to make the first move back home, but I quickly understood that if I wanted anything to happen on the first date, I would have to put on my big girl pants. After a tough and manly karate coach turned into a pink shaking mess when I invited him back to my place, it became apparent that a subtle approach might work better. I discovered hand holding and dark karaoke boxes did wonders with shy Japanese guys, giving them all the signals needed to take things further, i.e. taking you on a casual stroll through Dogenzaka, also known as Love Hotel Hill in Shibuya.

One thing that surprised me the most was that online dating was not only for casual hook-ups and one night stands. Though I admit I had my fair share of fun. Some guys were genuinely looking for a relationship, but found it difficult to meet people the traditional way, especially if they were interested in foreign girls. I did end up meeting three of my boyfriends online and about half of my friends also met their other halves the same way.

Dating in Japan have a huge difference for foreign men and women, for a not-so-ugly guy could be very easy to find anything pretty fast, online or in a bar. In overall, Japanese men feel afraid of western women, because she tend to have a not-so submissive personality compared to a Japanese counterpart, and I have to agree about it =P

Want to become perfect girl for a Japanese? then become good at: obento, karaoke, video games, baseball, golf. And many other hobbies that Japanese guys tend to have.

Ticked off that I failed to properly screen again, I took a few more sips of wine to give myself time to think of my escape. Should I be dramatic, throw the wine on him, and stomp out? Quietly put my glass down, excuse myself to the restroom, and never come back? Holler out to everyone else in the restaurant that there was a two-timing jerk sitting across from me?

Men usually come to women, not the other way around (in my experience anyway). And many a married man has seen the prospect of intimacy outside of marriage as enabling him to remain in one lacking it. Though minor children are certainly a consideration, I think the financial implications of divorce cause many to remain in a less than happy home while seeking a little morale boosting on the side. This seems to be what Ms. Weinberg discovered in her cross-cultural effort to find a soul mate. Good luck with that....

From a strictly technical standpoint you don't filter your prospects well enough. A simple credit check should show the marriage. I don't understand why you wait for your date -And then ask if they are married? It almost seems like you enjoy basking in dissapointment. And why aren't your friends helping in your search -Put them to work.

I think her mistake was in assuming that, now she's decided she's ready to settle down, finding a suitable mate is just an internet search away. Wonders never cease, it yielded a lot candidates who omitted information that would have torpedoed their chances.

What if one of the guys said "I am a full time care provider for a sick disabled wife...", and "intimacy was no longer a logical component of the marriage!"A dose of reality... love/lust hormones will be active for four years... on average...perhaps she should be looking for a lifelong friend to marry, instead of being so cynical and judgmental of other people who might be having a harder life and making tougher choices.

A foreign woman in Tokyo, actively seeking out men to date? She may as well put a neon sign over her head - 'Out for a Good Time, No Strings'. You have to be much, much more subtle than advertising on the Internet if you want a genuine relationship. The genuine guys are busy enjoying being single, not surfing the net looking for ladies who (apparently) can't get dates otherwise.

What if one of the guys said "I am a full time care provider for a sick disabled wife...", and "intimacy was no longer a logical component of the marriage!" A dose of reality... love/lust hormones will be active for four years... on average... perhaps she should be looking for a lifelong friend to marry, instead of being so cynical and judgmental of other people who might be having a harder life and making tougher choices.

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