Jokes Leno Didn't Buy, But Should Have 04/27/09

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Jokes Leno Didn’t Buy, But Should Have

April 27th, 2009

PIRATE

Did you see the captured Somali pirate in New York smiling during his perp walk? This pirate knows how lucky he is. He dodged three bullets to the head. He’s out of famine-plagued Somalia and now he’ll get three squares a day. And he just read that Obama won’t torture him to find out where he buried his booty.

REPORTER CHARGED

An American reporter working in Iran has been sentenced to eight years in prison. NPR’s Roxana Saberi was originally arrested for buying a bottle of wine, but the Iranians raised the charge to spying. Apparently, it was a bottle of Manischewitz.

CHARLES AND THE POPE

Despite rumors to the contrary, the Vatican is denying that Pope Benedict is planning to give Prince Charles a copy of King Henry the VIII’s 1583 marriage annulment appeal to Pope Clement VII when Charles visits the Holy Father next week. Don’t worry; the Pope says he got an excellent gift suggestion from President Obama. He’s giving Charles an iPod with huge earphones.

CHARLES AND THE POPE

The British tabloids are really playing up20Prince Charles’ planned visit with the Pope. They’re labeling their coverage, “The Prince and the Poper.”

GOP

Republican strategists say they have to call Barack Obama a fascist now because “socialist” is beginning to lose its negative connotation. Fascist still has some value for the GOP, because most of their base doesn’t know what it means.

PROBLEM AND SOLUTION

A new British study claims that overweight people are causing global warming–big-eaters mean more food production — a major cause of CO2 gas emissions warming the planet. Plus, overweight people are also more likely to drive, adding to environmental damage.

The answer, to me, is so obvious: edible smog!

BO IS THE TOPPS

Bo, the White House puppy, looks great on his new Topps trading card. And President Obama’s mother-in-law has already voted him this year’s Most Valuable Pee-er.

FDA

The Food and Drug Administration says it will now let 17-year-old girls get the morning-after contraceptive pill without a prescription. The decision was cheered by the National Organization of Women, MoveOn.Org, and R. Kelly.

NO FELONS

The U.S. Army announced this week they will no longer accept drug addicts and felons. The NBA announced the same thing, but that was because they had already met their quota.

NEW APP

They’ve got a new iPhone app out called “Phone Call” that actually lets you use your iPhone to call someone. What won’t they think of next?

OBAMA CREDIT

President Barack Obama met with 13 U.S. bank credit card division executives on Thursday and told them that credit card company bills “should be written in plain language,” and that all the charges should “be in plain sight…No more fine print; no more confusing terms. We want clarity and transparency from here on out.” The credit card company executives handed Obama a copy of his stimulus bill and said, “You first.”

CUBA

Republicans are angry at President Obama for opening up relations with Cuba because of all the human rights violations down there. I’m confused. Are they talking about Havana and the evil Fidel Castro regime or Guantanamo Bay and the evil George Bush regime?

FINANCIAL CRISIS

On NBC News Wednesday night, they said that fewer Americans moved last year than in any year since 1962. I don’t know if the story was about the housing crisis or the invention of the remote control.

 

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