Week 6 reflection questions

[Stacyann Forrester]

Hi All,

Here is my week six homework finally. Would you mind sharing what you posted for week six here too. I'm curious to see how others tackled this week:

Reflection Questions:

(for group discussion)

1. Share three specific ways you could begin generating the flourishing of life and of love immediately (becoming generative of the love you are seeking).

1. Be authentic without waiting to see this in others

2. Meditate for at least 10 minutes each day

3. Love and accept the parts of me I continuously make wrong

2. Recognizing that your beliefs about others influence how you show up in your relationships, particularly when taking the risk to express your feelings and needs, please answer the following:

1. What is the belief you have about others that stops you from telling them what you feel, need and desire? (for example, “Others don’t really care about me,” or “Men don’t really want me and so I have to try really hard to please them to try to get them to stay.”) I believe others do not have my best interest in mind and that I don’t matter to them

2. How do you show up in relationship inside of this assumption? The way I show up in relationships inside of this assumption is that I don’t let others know what I need. I try to take care of my needs myself.

3. How do you then covertly create evidence that the belief is true by showing up this way?  Others assume I’m okay and I assume they don’t want to meet my needs

4. What is really true about your relationship with others? (for example, “Men might care about my feelings and needs if I actually told them what they were,” or “Some men may want me and some men may not but my value is always consistent and not dependent upon how others happen to feel. I need do nothing to try to prove that I am worthy of love.” The truth about my relationship with others is that if they knew and it was in their ability to provide they would be thrilled to support me

3. Anchoring into this truth, what new ways of relating to others would be organic to this center? New ways of relating to others would be to begin to articulate my needs and ask for support

4. In learning to navigate the early stages of a relationship well, showing up a mature, wise adult while holding and containing any difficult fears and insecurities that you might be feeling, please answer the following:

1. Name a specific fear that often comes up for you in difficult and/or challenging moments with someone you are (or would like to be) in relationship with. A specific fear that often comes up for me with someone I’m in a relationship with is that I may need them more than they need me

2. Name the belief about yourself and/or your belief about others that is underneath this fear. The belief about myself is  that I don’t matter/I’m not important

3. How old is the part of you that is inside of this perspective? She is four years old

4. What is the deeper truth that you can share with this younger part of yourself about that fear? The deeper truth that I can share with this younger part of myself about this fear is that I matter and the fact that I’m breathing means I matter. I’m here on purpose. Look within to see this truth and you don’t need outside validation.

5. What is a Self-Soothing Mantra you can say to this younger part of yourself when s/he is feeling paralyzed by that fear to help soothe and calm her down? ( i.e., “I love you and I am powerfully standing for your happiness in life. You are safe with me.) “I love all of you, always”

6. In learning to evolve beyond a right-wrong power struggle and see conflicts from multiple perspectives, please answer the following:

Identify someone who you’ve been making wrong, and notice what you’ve been making them wrong for.

1. In stepping into that person’s shoes, describe their point of view in a way that helps you to see things outside of your own perspective and completely through their eyes. “I’m afraid and I’m trying to do everything I can to not feel afraid anymore, even if that means hurting you.”

2. In stepping back now from both of you, objectively describe the situation from a neutral, larger perspective that takes into account both your and the other person’s points of view with equal respect and esteem for you both. We are both afraid and do not mean what we say and do. We are doing our best to avoid the fear we feel.

3. In what ways, if any, does this now alter your original perspective and help you to see things from a more holistic and multifaceted point of view?  This helps me to be more open with the other person. I can soften to their point of view and not take it personally. They are acting out of fear and that has nothing to do with me.

What is your “growing edge” as it relates to aligning with your love destiny and generating greater levels of connection and care in your life? (for example, to get better at seeing things from other people’s perspectives, to learn to be less reactive and to hold and contain my own reactive emotions when they come up, to take more risks to be transparent, to neither self abandon nor become self absorbed but to learn to hold the complexity of two people with two different sets of feelings and needs to be in the same relationship!). My “growing edge” is to always come from the place of giving others the benefit of the doubt and to authentically express how I feel and not worry about how others see me

[Heike Hamann]

Yay Stacy for completing week 6’s reflection questions!!  I’ve just woken up (here in Australia) and haven’t had a chance to read your responses yet, but wanted to let you know that the CITO website is still up so you can see what everyone posted there?  I’m also happy to resend mine if you’d still like that.  Warm hug, Heike

 

From: cito-gr...@googlegroups.com [mailto:cito-gr...@googlegroups.com] On Behalf Of Stacyann Forrester
Sent: Monday, 12 August 2013 4:54 AM
To: cito-gr...@googlegroups.com
Subject: Week 6 reflection questions

 

Hi All,

 

Here is my week six homework finally. Would you mind sharing what you posted for week six here too. I'm curious to see how others tackled this week:

 

Reflection Questions:

(for group discussion)

1. Share three specific ways you could begin generating the flourishing of life and of love immediately (becoming generative of the love you are seeking).

1.    Be authentic without waiting to see this in others

2.    Meditate for at least 10 minutes each day

3.    Love and accept the parts of me I continuously make wrong

2. Recognizing that your beliefs about others influence how you show up in your relationships, particularly when taking the risk to express your feelings and needs, please answer the following:

1.    What is the belief you have about others that stops you from telling them what you feel, need and desire? (for example, “Others don’t really care about me,” or “Men don’t really want me and so I have to try really hard to please them to try to get them to stay.”) I believe others do not have my best interest in mind and that I don’t matter to them

2.    How do you show up in relationship inside of this assumption? The way I show up in relationships inside of this assumption is that I don’t let others know what I need. I try to take care of my needs myself.

3.    How do you then covertly create evidence that the belief is true by showing up this way?  Others assume I’m okay and I assume they don’t want to meet my needs

4.    What is really true about your relationship with others? (for example, “Men might care about my feelings and needs if I actually told them what they were,” or “Some men may want me and some men may not but my value is always consistent and not dependent upon how others happen to feel. I need do nothing to try to prove that I am worthy of love.” The truth about my relationship with others is that if they knew and it was in their ability to provide they would be thrilled to support me

3. Anchoring into this truth, what new ways of relating to others would be organic to this center? New ways of relating to others would be to begin to articulate my needs and ask for support

4. In learning to navigate the early stages of a relationship well, showing up a mature, wise adult while holding and containing any difficult fears and insecurities that you might be feeling, please answer the following:

1.    Name a specific fear that often comes up for you in difficult and/or challenging moments with someone you are (or would like to be) in relationship with. A specific fear that often comes up for me with someone I’m in a relationship with is that I may need them more than they need me

2.    Name the belief about yourself and/or your belief about others that is underneath this fear. The belief about myself is  that I don’t matter/I’m not important

3.    How old is the part of you that is inside of this perspective? She is four years old

4.    What is the deeper truth that you can share with this younger part of yourself about that fear? The deeper truth that I can share with this younger part of myself about this fear is that I matter and the fact that I’m breathing means I matter. I’m here on purpose. Look within to see this truth and you don’t need outside validation.

5. What is a Self-Soothing Mantra you can say to this younger part of yourself when s/he is feeling paralyzed by that fear to help soothe and calm her down? ( i.e., “I love you and I am powerfully standing for your happiness in life. You are safe with me.) “I love all of you, always”

6. In learning to evolve beyond a right-wrong power struggle and see conflicts from multiple perspectives, please answer the following:

Identify someone who you’ve been making wrong, and notice what you’ve been making them wrong for.

1.    In stepping into that person’s shoes, describe their point of view in a way that helps you to see things outside of your own perspective and completely through their eyes. “I’m afraid and I’m trying to do everything I can to not feel afraid anymore, even if that means hurting you.”

2.    In stepping back now from both of you, objectively describe the situation from a neutral, larger perspective that takes into account both your and the other person’s points of view with equal respect and esteem for you both. We are both afraid and do not mean what we say and do. We are doing our best to avoid the fear we feel.

3.    In what ways, if any, does this now alter your original perspective and help you to see things from a more holistic and multifaceted point of view?  This helps me to be more open with the other person. I can soften to their point of view and not take it personally. They are acting out of fear and that has nothing to do with me.

What is your “growing edge” as it relates to aligning with your love destiny and generating greater levels of connection and care in your life? (for example, to get better at seeing things from other people’s perspectives, to learn to be less reactive and to hold and contain my own reactive emotions when they come up, to take more risks to be transparent, to neither self abandon nor become self absorbed but to learn to hold the complexity of two people with two different sets of feelings and needs to be in the same relationship!). My “growing edge” is to always come from the place of giving others the benefit of the doubt and to authentically express how I feel and not worry about how others see me

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[Stacyann Forrester]

That's right, ill post there too

[Andrina Rossi]

Hi Stacy,

Congratulations on finishing week 6!  I like your insights about other people acting from fear when they are in a power struggle with you, and that you don't have to take it personally.  I am always reminding myself of that!  I am also meditating everyday, and that's relatively new for me--I hope to keep it up because everyone says it's so beneficial.

And Caroline, interesting that you are getting to know an adolescent young one.  I am looking into IFS (Internal Family Systems), which says we all have a lot of distinct personalities inside of us, and apparently IFS helps you integrate all of their needs and be more of a whole person.  I guess you have found a new part!  I found an angry part inside of me recently, which might be similar to your teenager.  Funny how some of them are more hidden than others (IFS calls them "exiles").

Just saw Sleepless in Seattle and it alternately triggered me and soothed me.  Feeling a bit lonely and having to remind myself that there is someone out there for all of us, even quirky people :)  Nice to have a group I can write to and feel less alone.

Love,

Andrina

--

[caroline donahue]

Stacy!

Great work on this. I was really moved by your affirming to your younger self "I love all of you, always." That is so simple and clear and profound all at once. I felt soothed and supported, just reading it. Congratulations getting through week 6 and sticking with the process.

We are here for you, Stacy.

Andrina-

Thank you so much for the idea of IFS- I got my MA in psychology, but graduated ten years ago and have moved into other work since, so I love to hear about other systems and options. This part of me is very angry and I got to a new lever with her recently, where she explained that she is angry at me for staying with people who were mean to me (us) because she didn't feel she could trust me to protect her. That was really good for me to get in touch with- now I feel much stronger about standing up for myself because I know that there are many aspects of me that will be hurt if I don't.

I love being able to connect with all of you here. Funny you watched Sleepless in Seattle, Andrina- I have been thinking about that movie lately. Perhaps it is time for me to watch it again, too. Thank you!

I think the website closes today... good thing we are all settled here in our new group. I am so happy that we are still in touch!

Caroline

--
Caroline Donahue

323-485-1830

carolin...@gmail.com

[Andrina Rossi]

Caroline--

Glad I could introduce something new--I majored in psychology in college, too :)  It's nice when all of the aspects start working together as a team and everybody gets their needs met. 

Maybe it's time to watch Sleepless in Seattle again--can't go wrong with Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks!

-A

[caroline donahue]

Very true! I think the team is starting to feel a lot better about things lately. There are still some scared moments, but I don't think those ever go away completely- we just develop better resources to handle them. 

I will put Sleepless in Seattle in the queue...

xoxo,

Caroline