Being To Becoming Buddha Book Pdf

[Giraldo Allain]

Tolove one's wife romantically: it is to discriminate, it is to love her more than a cat or a neighbour for example, it is therefore to judge and prioritise. It is also to become attached: not wanting to share his wife, wanting to be with her, being sad when she is not there. It is impossible to love your wife romantically without becoming attached and/or without discriminating, putting her on a pedestal.

In the end, Buddhism invites us to be indiscriminate and have only unattached love (metta). From this point on, how can one continue to be married if one is sincere in one's practice? Love your wife in this way, unattached and loving her as much as anyone else, and tell me that she is satisfied.

The Buddhist ideal love is not romantic. Even if in theory the disciple can reach the sotapanna stage by staying married, isn't it hypocritical to stay married with that in mind? To love your wife until that stage knowing that you'll have to abandon her afterwards? How can you love your wife romantically, find her attractive, desirable and endearing, when you know that sooner or later this relationship will lead to pain and dissatisfaction and come to an end?

I'm not clear, I'm mixing everything up, but I'm really frustrated and angry. If I had realized all this before I got married, I wouldn't have done it. But here's the thing, now I'm married, and I feel trapped. Either I stay with her and make a cross on the Nibbana, or I leave her to become a monk like the Buddha did and I make her suffer. How do you tell your wife that you will love her forever? How can you love her when you know it won't be forever and you directly perceive the dukkha of this relationship?

As soon as I clearly see impermanence and dukkha, I can no longer let myself be caught up in the flow of life and love unconsciously. I hope that I am clear, I expect the usual answers "it is not all black and white, a married disciple can reach sotapanna" etc., but this kind of arguments do not work with me, I live them as pure hypocrisy. I should forget the impermanence and the dukkha of our relationship, stay in the sweet reassuring illusion of our romantic love and tell her that I love her knowing that I should abandon her after sotapanna?

In short: how do you succeed in loving your wife romantically and not abandoning her when you know that you will need to abandon her after sotapanna, that you will never be able to reach Nibbana by loving her, when you see directly the dukkha of your marriage, when you know that it is touched from the start by the seal of impermanence, when you know that it is an attachment from which you will have to free yourself, and so on?

In theory, I really don't think it's fair to say that Buddhist love is non-romantic. The Nakulamata Sutta (AN 4:55) is a perfect counter-example; it is a promise the Buddha gave to a blissfully married couple to be united again in the next life. The text is certainly much sappier, I would say, than any Hallmark movie or Valentine card.

I would say that even with a complete embrace of, and transformation within, the Buddhist dharma, one still has whatever karmic obligations in this life that one had before. Nobody can say, well, I wouldn't have accumulated this credit-card debt if I were a Buddhist, so now that I am a Buddhist I won't pay the debt. And likewise a convicted felon will still have to serve a prison sentence, even after taking refuge; a recovering alcoholic will still struggle with health problems in the short term; etc. Being bound to a spouse with wedding vows is a very mild form of karma, all things considered.

I would think that if you really are a Buddhist, than upholding the reputation of the Enlightened One, the Teaching, and (more to the point) the Community should be a much higher priority than your own purity and practice. Would it cause pain, if you simply announced to your wife, "I don't need a wife anymore. I'm a Buddhist now"? Would it (somehow) make her more likely to take refuge and discover the benefits of the Way for herself?

I would advise that Buddhism, like many other non-mainstream philosophical movements or self-help doctrines, tend to attract seekers and people struggling for answers. Even in the Buddha's own time, recent converts were regarded with a healthy skepticism. If you really are growing apart from your wife, the reason is much more likely to lie within yourself than simply following the dharma to the letter. Perhaps you feel that your wife is holding you back and lacks the potential to help you live your best life; and phrasing it as an issue preventing progress in the Buddha path sounds holier and gives you permission to voice your true feelings?

Again, you still owe some amount of fealty to your spouse simply because you took a spouse; but if you no longer feel "attached" then it's okay to respectfully discuss that with her. But I would talk to a therapist first.

When you go into meditation you should strive to free yourself of attachments, even attachments such as love. When you come out of meditation and head back into normal life, you should carry that meditative equanimity with you and allow it to apply itself to your normal interactions and relationships. This will help you to separate love from obsession; to rid yourself of jealousy and possessiveness while deepening your affection. There is no contradiction between loving one person particularly and loving everyone generally. That is merely an obstacle that your mind imposes because it is confused and frightened, so don't become attached to that fear and confusion.

Yes, loving anyone (specifically or generally) is a condition of risk, because love (like everything) is subject to change. It's worth considering: Does a buddha suffer when s'he sees people flounder and fail on the path and cause themselves misery? We often talk about the compassion of a buddha, but compassion is inherently a shared suffering, and a love that overcomes it. A buddha must have compassion for h'erself as much as anyone else.

Maybe it's time for you to cast off all worldly relationships and join a monastic order; that would be fine, if you are willing to commit to it. But if you are not going to cast off all worldly relationships, then it is on you to bring your practice into your worldly relationships, not use it as a shield to deny them.

when you know that sooner or later this relationship will lead to pain and dissatisfaction and come to an end? I'm not clear, I'm mixing everything up, but I'm really frustrated and angry. If I had realized all this before I got married, I wouldn't have done it.

Yes my friend you've mixed the core of buddhism. If you've realised the first steps, you won't get frustrated or angry, when thinking about this situation. And also my friend, I should say, the marriage is one of the best place to study the core of the life. Study our feelings. Study what love is, what existence is, what's temper is, what is patience is, what is attachment is, what is expectation is, etc.. and the list goes on and on.

Being a buddhist doesn't mean something like this. To become a real buddhist you should be in the path to the Nirvana. And how you come to the right path, is once you realised/understand the core of the buddhism.

I'll try to give an example of this understanding. Imagine a math student who always considers only the positive number when getting a square root of a number. That's because he doesn't know the negative part. (eg: root of 4 is +2 and -2)And once he realised/learn/understand there's a negative part for every square rooted number, does he reject positive part? No right? It's an understanding. Not rejecting things. And with the maturity/realisation/wisdom (get the correct word here) the math student uses positive-number or negative-number or both-numbers accordingly in his applications. Because now he has the knowledge to use correct number (+/-) in correct places. Like wise, once you realised the core, your wife is like +2 (in maths student's example). So you won't reject her. Because it's an understanding.

These four attitudes are said to be excellent or sublime because they are the right or ideal way of conduct towards living beings (sattesu samma patipatti). They provide, in fact, the answer to all situations arising from social contact. They are the great removers of tension, the great peace-makers in social conflict, and the great healers of wounds suffered in the struggle of existence. They level social barriers, build harmonious communities, awaken slumbering magnanimity long forgotten, revive joy and hope long abandoned, and promote human brotherhood against the forces of egotism.

The reason why I searched for it was that your description -- i.e., "To love one's wife romantically: it is to discriminate, it is to love her more than a cat or a neighbour for example, it is therefore to judge and prioritise." -- sounded like it might be making a mistake of thinking that being "indifferent" is a good.

Even if in theory the disciple can reach the sotapanna stage by staying married, isn't it hypocritical to stay married with that in mind? To love your wife until that stage knowing that you'll have to abandon her afterwards?

How can you love your wife romantically, find her attractive, desirable and endearing, when you know that sooner or later this relationship will lead to pain and dissatisfaction and come to an end?

I expect the usual answers "it is not all black and white, a married disciple can reach sotapanna" etc., but this kind of arguments do not work with me, I live them as pure hypocrisy.

I recommend this topic -- Any authentic sutta from any tradition that gives guidance on what kind of partner to choose? -- its answers summarise advice for laypeople from the suttas. I hope it gives an idea of how marriage might function in Buddhist society.

I should forget the impermanence and the dukkha of our relationship, stay in the sweet reassuring illusion of our romantic love and tell her that I love her knowing that I should abandon her after sotapanna?

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